The Waterworks.

If you’ve read Sunny’s latest post, you know that we caught an episode of “Who Wants to be a Superhero” for the first time today.

Sunny hates it, but I think it’s so outrageously dumb, that it’s entertaining. There’s just something ‘train wreck’ about a bunch of people aged 20-45 who are taking being a ‘Superhero’ that seriously. It’s mildly disturbing, but you just can’t look away.

Put it this way, the contestants on this show are the people the hardcore nerds refuse to have anything to do with. Hell, even the LARPers would have a hard time being seen with them.

For me, however, one thing about this show really stood out.

People in reality shows always cry.

Ok, ok, fair enough. If it’s been your lifetime dream to be a famous singer, and you get into the final 10 in American Idol and get voted off, fair enough, shed a tear, I can understand that. If you’ve always wanted to be a model, and lose in the finale of “America’s Next Top Model”, I can imagine you getting upset.

Also, if it’s been you lifelong dream to be a singer, and you win American Idol, I’ll let you by with shedding a tear of happiness.

But why, oh why do these people need to feel the need to cry when someone accidentally uses their toothbrush in the Big Brother house, or breaks down in floods of tears when they fail a preliminary audition for American Idol?

Look, a toothbrush isn’t a big deal. Get a little pissed about it if you like, but don’t freaking cry. Oh, and if you want to be a singer and completely and totally break down because you failed an audition…you’re seriously in the wrong business.

“What? You mean the music/TV/movie business isn’t all about universal acceptance? I won’t get every single spot I audition for? Why wasn’t I informed?”

Anyway, back to “Who Wants to be a Superhero”. If it’s possible, try and wrap your head around the sheer absurdity of it:

“Who Wants to be a Superhero” is a reality show on the Sci-Fi channel. A group of pale, friendless virgins….sorry, I mean contestants… dress up as superheroes and do a bunch of ‘Fear Factor-esque’ stunts and challenges. Each week they eliminate someone, and the winner gets a comic book featuring their character, an action figure, and a walk-on role in a Sci-Fi channel ‘straight to cable’ movie.

Dumb, right? Don’t get me wrong, it would be a perfectly good idea if it was a kids show, and it was a bunch of 10 year olds pretending to be superheroes…but a 40 year old guy dressed in spandex and taking the whole thing (if you’ll pardon to pun) super-seriously? Gimme a break!

Well, the first challenge the ‘heroes’ had to do was try to get to the end of an obstacle course while getting absolutely battered by wind machines and fire hoses. One girl (and I say ‘girl’, but she was at least 30) fell over, and cost her team the challenge.

What did she do? Laugh? Say she was sorry? Make a joke that platform shoes aren’t really appropriate footwear for Superhero work?

Of course not, she started crying about how she was letting everyone down, how she felt ashamed and how she let down herself, the team, her kids etc, etc.

Look, dear, I hate to tell you this…but you let down your kids and family when you decided to wear a ridiculous outfit, call yourself “Whip Snap” and go on national TV pretending to be a superhero.

I mean, for fuck’s sake, it’s a gameshow! In fact, it’s a fucking ridiculous gameshow. You’re a bunch of people in home-made superhero costumes pretending to fight crime. If you’re on a gameshow like that, you should be there for one of two reasons: To have a laugh or because someone bet you that you wouldn’t try out for it.

Put it this way, if being the best ‘superhero’ and getting your own comic book is really important enough for you to be in floods of tears over…you need therapy, it’s just the simple.

Oh, and to close, I just want to point something out.

Spiderman looked cool in his movies, Batman and Superman looked cool in theirs. That’s because the actors playing them were in great shape and buff as hell. When you have a double chin and a beer gut…spandex or PVC is not a good move. Halle Berry and Michelle Pfeiffer looked awesome as catwoman…but that’s because they’re Halle Berry and Michelle Pfeiffer. Don’t wear a tiny short skirt unless you can do it justice.

Excelsior!