Tuesday, May 13, 2014

50 Bullshit Facts Some Asshole Made Up

So, I stumbled across this little gem today: The 50 Things Every Man Should Know.

It's not very often I read such misinformed, sexist bullshit, so I felt the need to respond, at least to the more ridiculous ones. Original text in black, my response in blue:

1. We don’t like being slobbered on. Please swallow your spit before you kiss us.

Back at you. Women do this too.
2. Except in extreme cases, your grooming/hygiene regimen is less intense and obligatory than ours. I.e., when we say we like your hair long/your beard trimmed/your back shaved, and you complain about how hard it is to take care of, we think you sound completely ridiculous and we have zero pity for you.

You make it sound like someone has a gun to your head. Sure, women have to do much more to be considered 'attractive', but that's not men's fault. I don't like to shave, so I don't shave very often. Most women find this unnattractive and will judge me on that. Don't act like we have it so easy.
4. It is about ten times harder for us to lose weight than you. Our bodies are designed to hold onto enough fat to feed a pregnancy during a famine, for chrissakes. Yes, we’re proud of those twenty pounds you lost when you started biking to work. No, it’s not going to work as well or as quickly for us. That doesn’t mean we’re doing it wrong.

Nope, basic science. More of the food you eat is stored as fat, but if you burn more calories than you eat, you'll lose weight. Physics. The storing fat for pregnancy thing only happens when you're actually pregnant.
5. If you can’t answer a question as simple as “What are you thinking?” then you shouldn’t be shocked that there are times when women don’t know how to tell you what they want.

Ok, if we don't answer "What are you thinking?" It's for one of two reasons: One, we're not actually thinking anything... we can do that. Two, and this may come as a shocker...it's a private thought we don't want to share with you. 

While we're talking about sexism, men are raised to be the strong, stoic protectors. Sometimes I don't respond because I'm worrying about something I don't want to worry you about...but I suppose that's sexist as well, right? Yeah, stereotypical gender roles go both ways.

6. Most of us are a little baffled by your obsession with large genitalia. We’re actually all secretly wishing for a man with a ten-inch tongue.

For the exact same reason women are obsessed with having big boobs and a nice ass. 
7. We believe that you secretly resent us just because we are female. Mostly because quite a few of you don’t bother to keep it secret.

The fact you wrote this whole thing shows that you resent us just for being male. You're not making any effort to keep that secret.
8. We’re taught to believe that we are beautiful/sexy/attractive on purpose in order to manipulate men. Some women take this and run with it, engaging in terrible behavior because they think they’re already somewhat evil for being desirable, so why not just go with it? Sort of the same way that some men think that the whole ‘men are pigs’ stereotype gives them permission to forget their species. Some women spend their lives mutely apologizing for their attractiveness by giving men permission to take advantage of them. Most women are just confused by the whole thing and wonder why we are being blamed for something we didn’t do on purpose.

Who taught you this? Becausde that sounds like total horseshit. No guy resents any woman for being attractive. What we actually resent is women who expect special treatment because they're attractive. Personally, I don't like the 'all men are pigs' idea, so I'll go out of my way to not act like a pig. 
9. Related to #8: We are not beautiful/sexy/attractive on purpose to manipulate men. No matter how put-together and stylish and socially skilled some woman may be, there was always some element of pure chance involved in her level of attractiveness to men. Stop calling her a bitch just because she’s hot and you can’t have her. It’s entirely possible that she’s not doing it on purpose to make your life miserable (read up on astronomy and note that you are not the center of the universe).

Sorry, you're assuming all men call women bitches because they're attractive and we can't have them? Who thinks they're the center of the universe again?
10. If we kiss/fall in love with/have sex with another woman while in an exclusive relationship with you, it counts as cheating. Period. If you are the kind of man who thinks it doesn’t count, you have placed yourself in a prime position to get cheated on with impunity. Also, you’re an idiot.

Fair enough...but then again, you're assuming you're view of sexuality and monogamy is universal. If a guy gets off on the idea of his girlfriend sleeping with women and is perfectly happy with that arrangement, who are you to judge? It's like people in the swinger lifestyle. I couldn't do that, but there's lots of people who live that lifestyle and love it. I don't judge just because their lifestyle is different to mine.
11. You do not think lesbians are hot. Here is what you think is hot: mostly-straight women who engage sexually with other women in an exhibitionist and somewhat male manner. Don’t go making the mistake of thinking you like lesbians when you have not the least clue what lesbian sex actually looks like.

What, you mean everything I've seen in porn movies isn't taken straight from real life? I'm shocked. 
12. More than a few women think this is hot: mostly-straight men who engage sexually with other men in an emotional and somewhat female manner. It’s basically co-opting another sex to fulfill your own fantasies, and women do it too. Chances are, if you are attractive, some woman has had the thought about you at some point or another that you would look even better sucking some other man’s cock. (Maybe you’ll think about it if we can get a few beers into you…? Hey, we’re giving you a compliment!)

I'm not quite sure where you're going with this? Is it supposed to shock me? Make me go "Oh no! Imagining women doing it with each other is wrong! I'm a monster!"? Hell, if someone gets excited at the idea of me sucking dick, they're welcome to that fantasy. Here's something you don't know about men: Most of us are perfectly comfortable in our sexuality and don't freak out at the idea of a guy finding us attractive.
13. Women do not understand the concept of emasculation, even the relatively few women who enjoy doing it to you. We don’t understand it, because emasculation is the act of removing someone’s rightful power and dominant social standing. We are told from birth that we have no rightful power or dominant social standing. Don’t get me wrong; we know we have power, we’re just told that it’s illicit and that we’re evil for using it. So if you try to communicate to us the social and emotional and physical position you possess simply because you are male, we fundamentally do. Not. Get. It. We have no such equivalent. We have no way of knowing how it feels to have it taken away.

You know, it's funny. You complain about male 'power', but you're happy to take advantage of it. You complain about gender roles and flip if we ask you to do something traditionally 'female' because we're 'expecting it of you because it's 'women's work''...but at the same time, you just expect us to do 'man's work' because it's our job. 

If you think men have no idea of what it's like to be judged or put under pressure because of gender roles, get in a car with a guy, drive to a busy street, then you get out and change a tire while he stands and watches. Enjoy the reactions of the passers by. 

14. To expand on one point: women are taught that we have power, but that it is an evil power. We are told that we are manipulators or puppetmasters. It’s obviously okay to be powerful and to use that power in a responsible manner; the responsible use of power is called “honor”, and it needs to stop being viewed as the exclusive domain of men, but I digress. We are presented with a choice: we can let the world trample us, or we can use our power and be called a bitch. If you want us to behave honorably, offer us that option.

Horseshit. Either that or I missed the all-girl 'puppet master' class at school. The problem is, when a woman is in a position of power, you hear her get called a bitch and cry sexism... but answer me this: If you have a male boss, how many times does he get called an asshole, control freak or 'little hitler' in a single day? Resentment comes from seeing a person in a position of power when you feel you are more deserving and could do better. 
15. If your testicles decided to drive a truck over your midsection once a month for 3-6 days, you would probably resent us for not having to deal with that.

So it's okay to resent us based on biology, but not the other way around.
16. Most women are not annoyed by misogyny. They are horrified by it. It is scary, awful, disgusting shit to us. History teaches us that societies that hate women tend to find ways to rape, enslave, mutilate, or kill them… by the millions. When you hate on women, you get lumped into that category.

Correct, there is no excuse for misogyny. Then again, neither is misandry...and give that your whole article should have been titled "Why men are assholes", I suggest you look in the mirror.

17. In response to sexual harassment, what most women feel is intense and inexplicable shame . So if you’ve offended a woman and you want to make it right, the best thing to do is to treat her with respect and admiration. If you can’t find anything to respect or admire in the woman you just offended, stop dating her.

Men feel almost exactly the same thing. It's just as uncomfortable to recieve unwanted sexual advances from a women...and we have to face the fact that if we speak out about it, we're going to be subjects of ridicule.

18. Generally, you are larger and stronger and more violent than we are, and no matter how many exceptions to that rule there are, we never forget it. Women who don’t acknowledge this often end up in situations where they are hurt or killed. So when a woman says something about you being “safe” or “nice”, take it for the relatively massive compliment it truly is.

Larger and stronger, yes. More violent? Nope. Women can be (and are) just as violent and vicious as men. 'Husband beating' is a real and growning problem. If my wife decided to beat the shit out of me, I couldn't retaliate or even defend myself because I'd go to jail. Reporting it would make me a laughing stock.
19. These days, women are told to behave as though they are empowered, and yet also told to always let a man pick up the check at a restaurant and never ever earn a higher wage than he does, lest you emasculate him. This is a classic Catch-22. To most women, the consequences of upsetting a man are worse than the consequences of failing to be feminist, on a situational basis. So we believe in feminism and don’t act on it. It’s enforced hypocrisy.

Once again, back at ya. If we hold open the door, drive the car and pick up the check, we're being sexist pigs and should be ashamed of ourselves. If we go on a date and leave you to pick up the check, we're not 'real men'. Honestly, how many second dates do you think a guy who makes his date pay for the meal gets to go on.

20. Women’s dress clothes are often made without pockets. That’s why we carry purses. If you want to stop holding our purses for us when we go to the bathroom, then make pockets fashionable.

Sorry, I didn't realise men controlled the world of fashion and it's anti-pocket conspiracy. Another gender stereotype. You're assuming power and control that isn't there. Personally, I wear what feels comfortable and don't worry about fashion. 
21. While we’re at it, high fashion is dominated by two groups of people: straight women and gay men. Neither of these groups really has any business determining the sexual attractiveness of a woman’s body, and yet we’ve given them that power. That is why the current ideal female body image is so unbelievably fucked up. If you fall prey to it, you are a part of the problem. Don’t like it? Pursue a career in fashion.

The current ideal female body is fucked up? Have you seen a Calvin Klein underwear ad recently? You think teenage boys don't feel they have to live up to the 'teen hearthrob' chiselled jaw and six-pack image that's on all the magazines?
22. We’re not allowed to fart, sweat, stink, grope ourselves in public, or shit. We don’t understand why you should be.

Yes, because every time I go out in public smelling like ass, farting on passers-by while adjusting my crotch, no one comments at all. Oh, but while we're on the subject, stop wearing so much perfume it feels like we're getting punched in the face from across the street.
23. Women can hold powerful and responsible positions in society just fine. We are actually less dominated by our hormones than men are. A quick review of political and religious scandals instigated by male hormones over the past several thousand years will back this up.

I agree, women are just as capable as men of running shit...but don't talk to me about hormones. If you can make a sly dig about men being controlled by testosterone and their dicks, I can make a dig about smashing furniture over a sock on the bedroom floor or crying at a toilet paper advert during you 'special time'.
24. If you get offended by the fact that we want to hang a mini-blind or put together a desk set, don’t get offended when we expect you to be the sole lawn mower and toilet de-clogger. Hey, you asked for a helpless woman: you got one.

This is what I'm talking about. Remember all that shit about how you're under pressure from society and how you're taught from day one that you should do this and that and you feel 'inexplicable shame' if you deviate from it? This is the male version of that. You get looked down on for making your man cook and clean the house for you. We get looked down on for making you change your own tire or mow the lawn.

For the millionth time. Men are subject to unfair gender roles too. 

25. We love being right because human beings love being right. Don’t act like you feel any different. You think you’re right all the time, too, or you wouldn’t be so upset when we believe the opposite.

This is not a men vs. women thing. This is just human personalities. I've met men and women who can never admit to being wrong.
26. Despite many advances in the area of fashion, a lot of women’s formal and professional clothing is still incredibly uncomfortable, sometimes humiliating, and occasionally downright unhealthy. Most of us have no idea why this happened to us. Yes, it’s a loaded statement when you admire a woman’s clothing. Sorry. Women’s clothing is a loaded statement before you even get there, so there’s no real escape, and after all, we’re the ones who have to wear it.

Since when is a skirt, blouse and jacket 'uncomfortable, humiliating or unhealthy?'. Here's a fun fact, men's shirts are based entirely off collar size. I have a 22" neck, which means I can have a shirt that fits my neck, but the rest is like wearing a circus tent, or a shirt that fits my body but has a collar that's 3" too short to close. Wear a tie every day with a collar that literally strangles you. 

Point being: back at ya.
27. Women do not love assholes. I repeat: women do not love assholes. PEOPLE love assholes. Everybody knows some man who ended up engaged or married to the Queen Bitch of Western Civilization for reasons unfathomable. We’ve all fallen prey to the siren call of the warbling asshole at one time or another… admit it, you’ve dated at least one.

I agree. What most people are attracted to is confidence, and unfortunately, confidence often leads to arrogance which is the asshole/bitch main characteristic. As a counter point, men do not want submissive, doe-eyed, easily dominated women.
28. Most women don’t recognize that humor is one method that men often use to exert social dominance over each other and show off their desirability to women. So when a woman tells a joke, she doesn’t expect to be evaluated for it. That’s because she’s not doing it to show off or to outshine you. She’s doing it to be funny. The appropriate response is to laugh, groan, or (if you absolutely must) say “Funny”.

What? No, seriously...what? What I think you're actually saying is women don't realise men want to be funny because it makes them attractive to women...and part of that is being 'the funniest'...which is bullshit. I think all women (apart from you) realise that men want to be funny because it's an attractive quality.

If you tell a joke, you're absolutely going to be evaluated for it. This is true of everyone not just women. If I tell you a joke that just isn't funny and not even in an ironically not funny way, are you telling me you're not going to evaluate me in any way based on that? 

Oh, and if you tell a joke, you are absolutely showing off. What you're doing is telling a group of people to stop talking and listen to you so you can entertain them.

29. It’s very, very easy to tell when you may offer a woman help, advice, or education: she asks you for it. Otherwise, don’t do it. No matter how much she appears to need it, do not do it unless she asks. We learned about a thousand years ago that offering you help or explanations wounds your fragile egos. It’s time for you to learn the same thing. Besides, that brilliant solution you have to all of our problems isn’t going to work, for a million reasons you were too arrogant to consider.

I find it deeply ironic that you're calling men arrogant in the most arrogant way possible.

Let me get this straight. If we offer unsolicited advice, we're in the wrong because we're being arrogant and forcing our opinions on you. If you offer unsolicited advice, we should take it, and if we don't it's because we have fragile egos? 

30. We know the awful secret: no man has ever died from being a good listener.

This is one thing that really pisses me off. When you say 'good listener', you mean "be in the room and agree with everything I say." Men are problem solvers. If you tell us about a problem, we assume you want help with it...because, if not, why tell us about it?

Let me explain something. If a guy talks about his problems, what he's saying is "I have a problem, help me fix it." We assume you're doing the same thing. 
31. Despite popular self-help titles, women are not actually from another planet. Our emotions and reactions are not completely alien from your own. And we actually talk about said emotions and reactions; such talk is almost like stereo instructions except easier to understand and it doesn’t blur when you spill coffee on it.

Most men talk about their feelings as well, in exactly the same way. 
32. Here’s a big secret that the world never taught you: it is not necessary for you to understand women. It is necessary for you to understand one woman: the one you are with. Doesn’t that sound much easier than trying to pin down several billion people? Conserve your resources: try understanding one woman at a time.

So why write this at all? You made the point that all women are unique. Maybe you should assume men are the same way.
33. Related to item #21 on fashion: long hair is not fashionable, that’s why so few women keep their hair really long. When you start taking the fashion industry seriously, maybe your voice will start to be heard. In the meantime, consider yourselves lucky that baldness isn’t en vogue right now.

Were you drinking when you wrote this, because you're becoming more nonsensical. You've spent the first half of this complaining about fashion, the clothes you're forced to wear, the unrealistic ideals you're forced to live up to...and now you're having a go at men for not taking the fashion industry seriously? About 10 points ago, we were the cruel masters behind the no-pocket conspiracy...now we're clueless and not taking the industry seriously???
34. Ready yourself: here is why we love going to the mall. Are you ready?
It’s a free hangout.
There is no wind or weather to mess up our hair. (Hairstyles are obligatory. See above notes on fashion.)
It’s usually clean, and there are bathrooms and lots of places to sit down.
It’s relatively safe; there are plenty of other people, it’s well-lit, and there are guards patrolling the area.
There are plenty of open spaces to walk.
Almost every single store perpetuates the illusion that we can pay money to be happier.
There is an unusual lack of alcohol and drunk people. Did I mention safety already?
We can spend as much or as little time there as we want.
There is food. There are cookies. There is art. There are books. Often, there are movies.
A lot of mall interiors are deliberately pretty to look at.
Honestly, not only do we love malls, we have a hard time understanding why you DON’T.

My wife hates malls. Once again, you're making huge generalisations. For one of my own, though, men aren't too fond of malls because we know we want something, we like to go there, buy it and leave...not spend an afternoon looking at overpriced crap we don't want or need.

On the same subject, however, why do so many women expect their men to spend two hours shopping for something that is of no interest to them...but then we're the unreasonable ones for wanting to spend more that 2 minutes in the gadget store or the sporting goods store?
35. Rape jokes are to women what castration jokes are to men. Sure, maybe it’s really funny, but it always makes you uncomfortable, it’s never welcome to hear, and it always says something about the person who decided to go there.

I don't think men are too bothered about castration jokes...and it depends what you mean by 'rape joke'. For example, Ricky Gervais did a bit on an anti-rape ad campaign. He got a lot of flak for his 'rape joke'...but there was no hate in his jokes...his point was "What kind of society do we live in where we need a TV ad to remind people not to rape?" 

36. If you’re not sure whether a woman wants to have sex with you, she doesn’t.

Mostly true...but what if it's a first date and she wants to take it slow? What if she just doesn't want to jump into bed on the first date? What if she's playing hard to get?
37. If you’re not sure whether a woman enjoyed that date she had with you, she didn’t.

Unless she's shy, a little socially awkward, nervous, etc, etc...
38. We do not hit some imaginary expiration date at the age of forty-five.

Depends on the person. Having watched a female co-worker go through a dating site, clicking past suggestions with comments like "too short", "too fat", "has a beard", etc, etc....you have to accept that to some guys, 45 may be "too old".

39. Women hate being called “cute”. To us it means “attractiveness absolutely devoid of sexual allure”. To men it means something else, apparently. We have no idea what. “Cute” implies young, helpless, and silly. Why would we want to be seen that way? You don’t want to be called cute, we don’t want to be called cute, so let the world just erase it from the intrasexual lexicon. From now on, “cute” is for animals, small children, and tiny phones.

No, to you that's what cute means. Have a glance at facebook...you'll find lots of men and women who consider 'cute' to mean 'sexy'.
40. Makeup is one of the most illogical concepts on this planet or any other. We are basically encrusting our faces with goop in order to make our eyes look bigger, our skin look clearer, our lips look fuller. Meanwhile, you can barely touch or kiss us without messing us up, which sort of defeats the purpose of trying to be attractive in the first place. It renders a woman from flesh to art. Which can be nice in a magazine spread, but it’s no longer nice once you smear it around with the effects of actually living. So. You claim to hate makeup. Most of us hate makeup. WHY does this crap still exist… except for the tiny fact that it actually works on you?

There's that accusatory tone again. Women hate makeup. Men like it when women wear makeup, so therefore, men are forcing women to wear makeup. If you don't like it, don't wear it. If all men are assholes who only see women as painted sex objects, why are you trying to attract us again.
41. We loosened that jar lid before we handed it to you.

No you didn't. Jars are hard to open because there's a vaccum seal inside. You either break that seal or you don't. Even if that wasn't the case, you still didn't have the strength to open in it all the way.
42. The instant you mock, complain about, insult, sneer at, willfully ignore, frantically avoid, or even constructively criticize a fat woman, you have marked yourself as a scummy mark of shit on the underpants of humanity. You have NO idea what the life of an overweight woman is like, and you never will. The appropriate response to an overweight woman is twofold: a) treat her like a goddamn human being as worthy of courtesy as any other, and b) be humbly, cravenly grateful that you don’t have to deal with the shit she deals with on a daily basis and will probably deal with for the rest of her life.

You know what? Fuck you. Fuck you right in the dick. Have you any idea what it's like to be a fat guy? No, because for the hundredth fucking time you're taking a human problem, assigning women as the victims and making men the villains.

You think guys don't get mocked for being fat? You think no woman has ever openly laughed at or mocked a fat guy? Speaking as someone who was once incredibly fat, I've been there and acting like this is purely a female issue shows your complete and total ignorance of the subject. Maybe if you got down off that high horse and stopped blaming men for not shaping the world to suit you, you may discover that all these problems are not unique to you or your sex.
43. There are two ways to be courteous about a door, based upon context: one is opening a door for a woman, the second is thanking a woman who opens a door for you. Either way, you are a gentleman. BOOM. Solved.

As someone who got screamed at for a solid minute how I was enforcing gender stereotypes by opening a door for a woman, I'll disagree with you. Having to explain that I wasn't subconciously oppressing someone by opening a door for them left me a little sour on this subject. See your earlier point, some women are just entitled bitches.

44. Fuck the stupid toilet seat and all the baggage that comes with it: after you use the toilet, male or female, close the LID. This takes care of the seat war, gives both sexes equal responsibility for proper toilet behavior, minimizes smell, prevents tragic phone accidents, and keeps animals safe from drinking the water. It also looks nicer. And hey, shocker: that’s what the lid is actually FOR.

Sorry, but this is one of the few things on this list that is purely a female issue. No guy has ever complained about the toilet seat. If it's down and we need it up, we'll lift it up. If it's up and we need it down, we put it down. It takes less than a second.

45. Admit it: when you first start dating a woman, and you’re really, really into her, you buy her flowers. This is because you are eager for acceptable ways to show her how much you like her, and flowers are the most common social norm. Women know this. Even women who don’t like flowers know this.

Yeah....and? I really don't see your point on this.
46. When you have sex with a woman you don’t give two shits about, you are playing with fire. Fair warning.

Right back at ya.
47. If you resent our straight male friends, try the fun experiment of dating a woman who never had any.

Yes, because no woman has ever had an issue with their boyfriend hanging out with his straight female friends ever.
48. When we talk about you to our friends and family, it’s actually a compliment. We only talk about the things that absorb and interest us, the things that we want to spend time on. If you ever meet a girl who keeps you a secret, something is very, very wrong.

We know. We're not stupid.

49. When you keep us a secret, we know that something is very, very wrong.

We also know. We are also still not stupid.

50. Somewhere there is a woman reading this list and thinking, “None of this applies to me.” That’s because, corny as it sounds, human beings can not be defined by the general tendencies of their sex, and the general tendencies of their sex are defined differently from individual to individual.

Wow. Maybe if you actually believed that, you wouldn't have just spent the whole list generalising men.

Tuesday, May 06, 2014

No, it's not real.

So, with Sunny being away for a week, I took advantage of my time alone by having my yearly Star Wars and Lord of the Rings marathon (I know, I’m a crazy party animal).

After nearly a full day of swashbuckling sci-fi fantasy action, I watched all the cool sword and lightsaber fights and thought “I wish I knew how to do that.”

Just to be clear, I’ve no real interest in actually learning to sword fight. I took a few Kendo lessons as a teenager, and made the discovery most teenagers do when they go to learn something they’ve seen in a movie: real life is a lot different to the screen.

I don’t want to learn how to actually sword fight. I want to learn how to stage-fight…with all the cool spins and flourishes thrown in.

So I went to the internets and looked up stage fighting. There are a lot of expensive courses for actors, lots of expensive course materials you can buy, so I thought ‘fuck it’ and went to Youtube.
There’s always some twat who takes things way too far.

So I stumbled across a youtube channel where some guy had put up a few hundred videos on how to fight with a lightsaber. I thought it was the exact thing I was looking for, until I realised something: This guy was taking it seriously.

I don’t mean he was taking his craft seriously. Stage combat is serious business. The sword you’re swinging might be blunt, but you’re still swinging a hefty piece of metal around. I mean he was trying to teach lightsaber combat as practical self defence.

It was pure unintentional comedy as this guy inexpertly swung a plastic lightsaber around, talking about how to get real power into your strikes. How to avoid incoming attacks, etc, etc. How each of the five lightsaber forms was based on real world swordfighting techniques and how he was a master of this and that.

If that guy had ever touched a sword before putting up these videos, I’d be surprised.

Here’s the thing. I’m no expert, but I’m sane enough to know real sword fighting and stage fighting have very little in common. Stage fighting is about looking good and putting on an exciting show. Real fighting is about killing your opponent as quickly and efficiently as possible while exposing yourself to the least amount of danger possible.

It’s why it annoys me when some armchair expert watches a movie and feels the need to tell you the way they’re fighting is totally unrealistic. Of course it’s unrealistic. Real fighting is boring as baboon ass to watch. 

If you want an example, go find a Kendo competition video online. Here’s what happens 99% of the time: The guys face off, then one attacks, the other gets hit and it’s over. Occasionally you may get one or two parries in there, but that’s it. Even fist fighting is boring in real life. Watch a UFC fight. The guys square up, throw a couple of punches, then they go to the ground and roll around for a bit. The end. 

(Ok, UFC can be fun to watch, but there’s always the big build up about how ‘Guy A’ has learned Brazilian ju-jitsu and the other guy has mastered the ‘Twisting Tiger/Hidden Ferret technique’, then 2 minutes in it’s down to the same old sweaty dick-punching).

My point is real fighting is not that interesting to watch. When you take the actual rules away, it’s extremely fast, simple and over in a few seconds. There are no epic 10 minute battles in real life. Even the average shoot-out with guns lasts less than a minute with around 5 shots fired.

I even read something recently about gladiator fights in ancient Rome, in that they had more in common with WWE wrestling than actual fights to the death. Only about 1 in 10 gladiator fights ended with someone actually dying, because entertainment was the primary reason for them to fight…and you can’t have a beloved champion to pull in the crowds if a defeat meant dying. 

Gladiators were trained to fight in a way that looked incredibly stylised and flashy and they learned how to cut each other in a way that looked dangerous, produced a lot of blood but wasn’t actually life threatening. In fact, gladiators deliberately got extremely fat, because that way they could take big deep cuts that went nowhere near their vital organs.

Anyway, I’d love to see the lightsaber guy in an actual swordfighting competition…because while he was in the middle of his first pointless flourish, or doing the classic movie thing of turning your back on your opponent to do that totally cool spinny-maneuver..the other guy would just hit him over the head with his wooden sword.