Grocery Store Hijinks

Today was just about the worst grocery store visit ever. It prompted me to write the following “How To” guide, because everything I’m about to talk about, I witnessed in the space of one single shopping trip.

How to not be a Grocery Store Douchebag

1) Control your kids, or get the fuck out of the store.

When your kids are throwing cantaloupes at each other (yes, really), barreling around the store like it’s an amusement park and coming close to knocking people over, the correct response is to give them a damn good kicking.

The correct response is not to completely ignore them, save for saying their name every five minutes in an slightly exasperated way. But go ahead anyway, after all, it’s not your stuff they’re spreading all over the aisle or you they’re knocking over.

2) Don’t let chiller cabinet doors shut on other people.

Sure, you’ve got your milk, and you’re obviously a very busy person. However, when someone is waist deep in a chiller cabinet, trying to get some of the produce at the back, it would be nice if you didn’t just let go of the spring-loaded door and let it smack them in the head. God forbid you should waste five seconds of your day to save someone from a concussion.

3) Show a bit of consideration.

When you arrive at the checkout with two fully-loaded shopping carts, and someone joins the line behind you with a pack of gum in their hand, let them go first. Either he can keep you waiting for 15 seconds, or you can keep him waiting for forty-five minutes.

4) Let people take their turn at the checkout.

When the person in front of you is putting an entire shopping cart’s worth of groceries on the conveyor belt, don’t put one of those “next customer” dividers on the belt as soon as they’ve put a single item on it. It’s hard enough to load a cart full of groceries onto that thing without having to push your groceries back every 5 seconds. Oh, and don’t forget to act all put out when the person ahead of you asks you to hold your own groceries back.

5) The checkout is for checking out, not a meeting place.

I don’t care if you know the check-out employee outside of work. When there’s a line of customers behind you, don’t start up a deep, involved conversation with the girl behind the counter and just stand there with your money in your hand while you discuss what Maureen said about Agnes at Cousin Steve’s wedding. Oh, and definitely don’t act all offended and put out when the British guy behind you asks you to hurry up before his chicken tenders defrost.

6) The time to get your money/credit card/checkbook ready is when you’re waiting in line.

You’ve stood in line for 15 minutes, yet you wait until everything has been rung up before you even think of searching that bumper-sized purse for your pocket-book. It’s ok, all the people behind you don’t mind waiting another 25 minutes while you find your checkbook, look for a pen, find a pen, put it back in your purse and look for one that actually works…then pull the same pen out again. Bonus points if you give up on the check and try a debit card, spend another 10 minutes trying to remember your pin, before finally paying with the cash your wallet is stuffed with.

7) There are other people in the store other than you.

Yep, it’s fine to walk as slowly as possible, blocking the entire aisle, while frequently stopping dead with no warning. We particularly enjoy it when you keep the five people behind you waiting for 10 minutes while you have a long discussion about how you didn’t know that Ragu made a mushroom spaghetti sauce and how good that sounds…before eventually moving on without actually buying it. Congratulations, you’ve just made continental drift appear blazing fast.

8) Have a little perspective.

When you’ve bought an item that’s listed as a dollar 10, but it turns up on the register as a dollar 14…just pay the extra four fucking cents. Don’t argue with the check-out girl for ten minutes, then speak with the manager, then have the stock boy check the price, then go through another 15 minute rigmarole while the manager tries to work out how to void the entry…and don’t act all offended and put out when the British guy behind you hands you as quarter and tells you to keep the change.

9) The laws of physics actually apply to you.

When leaving the store, just go ahead and walk out into the parking lot without looking. Don’t even register the fact that a car has just had to squeal its brakes to avoid hitting you…just continue walking along without a care in the world, and you get bonus points for walking as slow as possible.

10) Be willing to walk that extra 12 steps.

Those spots for shopping carts in the parking lot are there for a reason. Apparently they’re there to remind you to just drop your cart wherever you like. Other drivers love trying to return home through an obstacle course of shopping carts.

Did I miss anything? No? Good.