Friday, September 16, 2005

Online Forums Are God's Way of Saying He hates You

Have you ever had the misfortune to be forced to consult a (shudder) online forum for technical support?

I absolutely detest online forums. I used to be a member of a few, and ‘some’ of the time, they can be a great way to get advice and information from people who share your interest, and may be able to help you out.

However, no matter what forum you browse, be it a forum for Antique Collectors to Tech Support, they’re always spoiled by the same set of people. These people make up around 85% of all online Forum users.

They are:

Personality #1 Mr. Superior:

This guy spends 24 hours a day in the forum, and acts like he owns it. He’s not there to get, or give any advice. He’s just there to brag. In computer forums, his signature has his system specs, and he answers every single query with “Buy a new one”, “Your system is crap,” and “You’re stil using that? LOL!” He brags constantly about how great his system is, and talks like he has unlimited cash tot throw around.

He is, in fact, 12 years old, has no friends and is using an ancient 286.

Personality #2: The Yes Man.

This is the guy who, for some reason, finds it necessary to post things like “Yeah” and “I agree.” What a complete waste of life. If you’ve nothing to add, don’t…you waste of skin, oxygen thief.
Personality #3: The Instant Expert (Also known as Dumb Ass Shit for Brains).

Whatever the subject, this is a guy who watched a Discovery Channel special, read a magazine article, and became an instant expert. He will argue for days that white is black to an actual expert. They will insist that they’re right, regardless of the evidence against them.

For example, I used to be a member of a sword-collectors forum. One guy argued for days about how a particular sword was made, and that the person he was arguing with didn’t know what they where talking about. Oh, and the person he was arguing with was the swordsmith who actually MADE the sword.

Personality #4: The Protocol Whore.

This guy treats the forum like it’s his child. All rules must be followed, no exceptions. As an example, while trying to get a game to work, I knew my video card was the problem, so wanted to know if there was a fix. So I put up a quick post saying “Hey all, I’m trying to run Knights of the Old Republic in a Radeon Xpress 200. Getting frame rate issues. Anyone else have this card and having similar problems and know a way around it?”

In reply, I got a two thousand word post explaining that I should have posted the error log from the game, my system specs etc. Why go to all that trouble when I only have a simple question?
Personality #4: Mr. State-The-Obvious.

These people absolutely, positively HAVE to post, even if they have nothing to add. They’ll come up with such pearls of wisdom as: “You car won’t start? It probably has something to do with the engine.” “No sound on your computer? Have you checked the speakers and sound card?”


Personality #5: Mr Vague.

This guy, who usually has all the language skills of a stoned autistic lemur, expects solutions to his problems while giving NO INFORMATION WHATSOEVER.

His post usually read like “My computer dunt wrk. How to fix pls?”. “I bght a game, and it wnt run. Wots rong pls?”

Not only do they not give any information about their system, they don’t even explain what the problem actually is. Computer won’t work? Do you mean it just won’t turn on? Won’t boot? What?

I’ll tell you what’s wrong, Mr. Vague. You’re too f**king stupid to own a computer.

Personality #6: Mr Warning. (Also known as Mr. Worst Case Scenario)

This guy likes to warn you of all the possible dangers of whatever you want to do. He’ll warn you that a computer runs on electricity, and could shock you, that knives can be sharp, and the programs may have viruses. According to him, everything is dangerous, and he assumes that you actually have shit for brains.

Yes, I know to unplug my computer and earth myself before tinkering with the components….Dickhead.

Personality #7: Mr. One Fact.

He knows one thing about the topic of the forum, and will repeat it as often as possible, even if it has nothing to so with the post. This fact is usually so elementary, that even tribes previously undiscovered by man would say “Duh? Everyone knows that!”, yet Mr. One Fact will parade this fact as a badge of honour and as proof that he knows what he’s talking about.

“The hard drive is where all your programs are stored”.

They’ll also offer the same solution to every single problem, no matter what it is. “Have you checked your memory?” “Try de-fragging your hard drive.”

Then they go away, patting themselves on the back, because they know the word ‘de-fragment’.
Wow, you know a piece of computer jargon that’s been in general usage for decades. You expert, you!

Oh, and if you say CPU one more time, I’m going to find you and bite your nose off.

Personality #8. Mr. Grammar.

Now, while I hate people who post in I33t-speak or phone-text English “What do u need 2 do 2 fix ths pls”, this guy takes it to the extreme. He’ll point out every mis-spelling, wrong use of a comma and that a semi-colon would have been more acceptable. He points out that your pronouns don’t agree, and that you’ve split no less that three infinitives. He treats every post as if it was an English exam.

Up yours, Grammar Bitch! Is that grammar good enough for you.

Personality #9. Mr. Grammar-smart-ass.

Takes extreme pleasure in pointing out the grammatical errors in all of Mr. Grammar’s posts. The irony is that his post also has grammatical errors. This usually leads to a 1200 post long thread, where each post points out the grammar problems in the last one.

Get a life, Grammar whores.

Personality #10. Mr I-Know-More-Than-You.

This guy isn’t on the forum to help anyone, or get help. Here’s here for one reason. To show ‘he knows more than you’. No matter what feasible explanation you offer someone, he’ll offer another explanation, and tell you that you’re flat wrong. For example, if someone says that their car won’t start, and you tell them to check the battery, he will insist that the car is out of gas…even though both explanations are feasible…he’s right and you’re wrong.

Personality #11. Mr I-Know-More-Than-You Version 2

This guy is like the previous Mr. Know-it-all, except that he’s actually asking for help. However, if you give him an answer that he doesn’t want or like, he’ll tell you that you don’t know what you’re talking about, that he’s more knowledgable and experienced than you, and he knows exactly what he’s doing.

Here’s an idea, fuck-stick. If you know so much, and are so knowledgable…why are you posting, asking for help?

Personality #12. Mr. Fake Celebrity

These ABSOLUTE LOSERS, for some reason feel the need to pretend to be a celebrity. It’s amazing to go into a computer forum, and find that there are posts from 15 separate Adam Sesslers, Morgan Webbs ad Kevin Periera’s

You sad bastards. Enough said.

And finally…the worst offender in the forums:

Personality #13. Mr. Bullshit

(Also known as Mr. Liar, Mr. I-Make-Shit-Up…more commonly known by his universal name “Oh-God-Not-That-Dickhead-Again’)

This person takes the ‘Instant Expert’ personality to the extreme. No matter what the subject, he’s the most knowledgable person in the world. Computers? He founded Microsoft. Martial Arts? He’s a Ninja ‘Grandmaster’. Cars? He’s Henry Ford.

This may sound like an exaggeration, but there really are a huge number of people like this, who think the anonymity of the internet lets them create a whole new persona. I have actually read a post where a guy said he was a Ninja Grandmaster.

You’re not fooling anyone, you cock-rockets. In the end, you’re a 12 year old loser, whose only Martial Arts experience comes from watching Power Rangers and The Karate Kid. In turn, you end up arguing for days with another ‘Ninja Grandmaster’, who is also a 12 year old loser.
Go out and get some friends, you sad bastard.

Forums. Avoid them.


OzzyC said...

You forgot about the points whore.

The points whore is the guy who posts just to get points on the forum, and then says "I'm right, you're wrong... see how many more points I have than you?" To make matters worse, they get points for making that post.

Kato said...

Forums are a mixed bag, and you often have to wade through a lot of crap to get to what you want. Trying to find the actual answer to a question someone else has asked is terrible because most of the responses aren't answers, they are just like "I don't know" or "lol" or "That sucks" or "Yea, I also want to know the answer" or off topic stuff. You can have 15 pages of replies and not one of them with an answer.

I love the guys who just have to flame every post they see. It could be any of the types you mentioned above--instead of being helpful, they just say "stop being such a noob" or "buy a new computer" (seriously, folks, Paulius isn't exaggerating here).

Computer game forums tend to be a vast wasteland of crap. They have their own special subtypes of individuals. Like the guy who demands the company change something in the game that he doesn't like. The post subject is usually "COMPANY X, FIX THIS NOW!!1!!!" and the post says "i dont like that other peeple can kill me in the game, X has to fix this now!!!!" Worse are the ones that directly flame the company, like "Company X sucks donkey balls, this game blows!" which is funny because they already have his money. There's also the paranoid kid who apparently has way too much of his self-esteemed invested in a game because he posts things like "Are less people playing game Z??" Off topic posts really irk me too. It makes no sense to be browsing a hardware troubleshooting forum and find that AssHatJones311 has started a post called "Spinach dip recipes". WTF?

God help you if there is no search functionality (*ahem* BUNGIE *ahem*).