Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Curse you, Gigglepolice!

You know, I try to do some interesting and hard-hitting articles on this blog. Things that I feel are important. (Oh, and sometimes I feel like having a good old rant without Sunny beating me about the head with an oversized refrigerator magnet).

However, the comment I get most often from people who actually know me and read my little blog is:

“Yeah, yeah…that 2000 word article you wrote on frivolous lawsuits, that you spent 3 hours on is fine…when are you going to write something funny again?”

Typical. I spend three hours on an enlightening article on Video Game Industry politics, no one cares. I write a five minute throwaway post that I didn’t even think about, and THAT’S the one people like.

To be honest, I can’t blame them one bit.

However, two years at College and three years at University mean that if I want to write a serious piece arguing a point (however uninteresting), it comes quite easily. If I actually try to be funny, I end up with something that’s about as funny as waking up, hung-over, to find that the cat’s puked on you, and someone stole your new 80” plasma screen while you slept.

However, that’s what you asked for…so here I go.

I guarantee 100% hilarity!

(The Management offer no guarantees that the following will be a)funny b)interesting or c)readable. Read at your own risk. Side effects may include severe boredom and the irresistible urge to turn off your computer. Unique experience, your results will vary. Use only as part of a sensible, calorie controlled diet. Some claims may be fictional)

The Paulius Guide to Relieving Boredom

1) When meeting strangers, introduce yourself as something like ‘Spanky Robinson’, ‘Angus Spermcount’ or ‘Jeff McKingKong’. If they laugh, act offended as possible
2) When working in a crowded office, find the cleaning supplies and start vacuuming around your desk. This works best if you work in a call centre
3) During a job interview, pull out a packet of Doritos, and start munching them noisily. Make sure to spray your interviewer with crumbs
4) Go to see a movie. Wait until halfway through the trailers and shout ‘Oscar Winner my Ass!” and storm out angrily.
5) Go shopping in black pants, a black and white striped jumper, a black mask and a large sack marked ‘Swag’. Tiptoe around the store, being as conspicuous as possible. See how long it takes before you get thrown out.
6) Keep a wire coathanger in your car. Pretend to have locked yourself out in a crowded parking lot. When someone approaches to help, take out your keys, open the door, retrieve the wire coathanger, close the door and continue trying to break in.
7) Give a coworker a random nickname. Refer to them only by this name, no matter how much they protest. “So, anyway, Pickles…”
8) When talking to a stranger, act convinced that they’re foreign. Compliment them on their English. Ignore their protests.
9) When you pay for something, and they check your money…bite your coin change when you get it. Give them an accusing look as you leave.
10) When on an elevator, face the back wall for the entire ride. Works best when crowded.
11) When driving, ask someone for directions to ‘Partytown’ or ‘margaritaville’.
12) When at a wedding, put 5 tins of beans on the buffet tables, opened, complete with spoons.
13) Go to work wearing earrings made of teabags.
14) Test the message ‘Low Battery’ to someone with a pager. Repeat daily.
15) Call a random number and say: “This is the phone company, we’re repairing your line. Please don’t answer any calls in the next 30 minutes or the person on the other end may be electrocuted.” Call back 15 minutes later. If they answer, scream loudly and hang up.
16) Find an old Vinyl LP sleeve with shaving foam. Wait for someone to go to the bathroom, slide the open end under the door and stamp as hard as you can on the sleeve. Run like hell.
17) Invite some friends over for dinner. Replace all your chairs around the dining table with the tallest barstools you can find. Act like this is perfectly normal.
18) At work, place a life-sized plastic goose in the center of your desk. Never refer to its presence, and act puzzled if anyone asks you about it.
19) Wear a pair of skiing goggles to work. If anyone asks, insist that they’re prescription.
20) If you’re ever required to be best man at a wedding, pull out a series of complicated charts and diagrams during your speech. Use a laser pointer, and make lightsaber noises every time you move it. Use of a pocket calculator is optional.
21) When in a crowded office, start writing an email, then ask loudly if anyone knows how to spell ‘hermaphrodite’, ‘fisting’ or ‘cunnilingus’.
22) Place a picture of yourself on your work desk, with glasses, a mustache, stitches and goatee beard drawn on it in black marker. Paint your own face to match the picture (a small piece of black paper can simulate the missing tooth).
23) Carry a harmonica with you at all times. In appropriate places (such as a supermarket queue or crowded bus stop), take it out and play enthusiastically, stamping your foot as hard as you can in time to the music.
24) Ask your boss for a raise, but do it in the style of a 50’s musical, complete with big musical number. Use a boom box for music.
25) If you work as a receptionist, and have a PA system, page everyone in the style of a cheesy local radio station DJ.

Sigh…told you I can’t be funny when I actually try.


Miz S said...

OMG- You SERIOUSLY need a job and/or less time on your hands, Sweetie!

(Wrote while rummaging around in the desk drawer for a pen and paper to write some of these down for quick reference- ESPECIALLY the one about the PA system at work, because.....I HAVE ONE!!)......

Kato said...

I giggled. Does that count for anything?