Saturday, September 17, 2005

I've Been Scammed! (Or at least someone attempted to scam me)

We've all heard for those nigerian scams. You know the ones:

"Dear sir, I have a squijillion dollars and need your help to smuggle it from my country. Despite the fact I have a squijillion dollars, I need a $50,000 investment from you for legal costs, and then I'll give you half!"

Here's the email I receieved (Text in red is written by me):


Hmmm, looks like hello/friend is an either/or...I'll take a friend...I can always use more friends!

I am Mr. Abu Al-Karmel, I am working in Economic Development and Foreign contract payment Operations Department, in the Central Bank of Iraq (CBI).My aim of writing you is to seek for your kindness assistance to allow me quickly transfer the sum of US$15.million dollars, into youraccount. Ohhh, hoe can I resist! fifteen mill for nothing!

It will interest you to know how this huge sum amount of funds came about.About two days before the United State (United State? Which one?) and British (Go the Brits!), bombing began,Saddam Hussein, ordered his youngest son, Qusay, to remove the sum of US$1.billion (£640 million) from the Central Bank of Iraq (CBI) The cash which was loaded on to three lorries. (640 million does not take up three lorries (eighteen wheelers) worth of space.That memorable day Qusay and a senior aide to the former president Saddam Hussein delivered the instruction in person to the bank's governor of the Central Bank of Iraq (CBI). And the money was removed without proper official documentations. The money was not debited. It was just remove from the foreign reserve vault. This illegal withdrawer created opportunity for our staffs working in the foreignpayments department.We hastingly remove from the vault the sum of US$75.million, which we shared among ourselves working in the department, five in number. OoooOOOoooh! That's naughty! Why didn't 'ole Saddam nick the rest of the cash, he had all that space left on his lorries!

My sharewas US$15.million, the deal which was absolutely successfully.Then,after the fall of Saddam,a Finance Company based in Jordan assisted me to move the fund as a Bond Deposit into Bank in EUROPE. (He constantly refers to The Bank of Europe...this doesn't exist...The Central Bank of Iraw probably doesn't either.)

Due to recent probe in our Apex Bank (I thought it was the Bank of Europe?),i decided to leave and i am under cover in SENEGAL -AFRICA (Hmm, and Iraqi, putting money in a European Bank, hiding in Africa, using a French Hotmail account. Guess he thinks I don't know that I can open a french hotmail account from anywhere in the world.

What I needed now is your "TRUST" HONESTY and "TRANSPERENCY" since i would want you to receive the money into an account from the EUROPEAN BANK. Why is 'trust' and 'transperency' in quotation marks. Is he doing the email equivalent of 'air quotes', insinuating that I don't have to be trustworthy or transparent?

I will also front you in any kind of investment that we might decide to enter later. (But you have 15 mil! Why would you possibly need money from me? OOoooh, that's right, you're a dirty scamming bastard! As a matter of fact,if i am convinced and with your declaration of interest in this deal,then,i will tell you the procedures to follow.For security of this transaction,i do hereby implore you to treat and maintain it with absolute confidentiality.Please,if you are not dispose to assist,kindly destroy this letter forthe sake of Humanity. (For the same of humanity? I'm meant to be helping some robbing bastard hide his money, after he stole it from another robbing bastard...and not turning him in is for the same of humanity?!? What's next? 'Don't prosecute me for raiding that Gas was for the sake of humanity!)

Looking forward to your urgent response.

Best Regard (Regard? Just the one then?)

Mr. Abu Al-Karmel(

I'm publishing his email address in the hope people will junk mail him out the ass. I would also find it incredibly satisfying if his email address got picked up by a scammer.

I sent the following reply:

Dear Sir,

I am very interested in your proposal. However, I wonder if all this is legal, and how you came to email me, and how you know my email address.

Please send me more infomation


Mr. Spanky Robertson.

Not one day later, the following arrived:

Dear Robertson. (Awww, he couldn't bring himself to write 'Spanky'...I'm pissed he didn't call me 'Mr.' though.)

About where i got your contact,i got it from this site where you write So get writing, and email your stories, along with your blogshares ID (If you have one) to

Might be an idea if you actually spent an extra five minutes to get the actual title of my blog, not just some random snippet of a post about a story competition I ran months ago, with my email address on it. Why not wear a big hat that says "I'm a dirty scammer!"?

I thank you so much for your prompt response to my previous mail and I am particularly glad for your acceptance to assist me in receiving this money (Whoa, whoa, whoa! I don't remember accepting anything! I just asked if this was legal and for more info! Why not actually read my email next time, you fuck-stick?) and for further investment in your country. (Huh?)All that I need is your total co-operation (ALL you need is my total co-operation? That's ALL?) and assuarance that you will not sit on this money when it is recieved in your country. (Here's an idea, Mr Al-Camel, or whatever your name is...why don't YOU 'sit on it'?)

I deem it necessary to bestow my sincere life and trust into your hands and I beleive that you will also whole heartedly accept me as your own for me to be strong and live a new life again in your hands by the wish of Almighty Allah that I serve. (You serve 'Almighty Allah'? Aren't you asking me to be an accesory after the fact, to Bank Robbery? Don't you get your hands cut off for stealing in the Middle East? You've pissed off a lot of real Muslims with that one, you African asshole!)

Like I did mentioned in my last email, this money (US$15,000,000.00) (Don't forget to keep mentioning how much money you're offering. I'm creaming my jeans in anticipation...that's right, buddy, keep that pressure up!) was moved as a Bond Deposit into a security company in Europe in form of family treasure. (There is no such thing as a 'family treasure' bond, dickhead)

Upon your kind acceptance to assist me receive this fund, I shall guide you accordingly. Over here, I shall send to the security comaony letter of authority authorising the release of the fund into your custody. (What's a Comaony letter? Look, you're pretending to be a clever banker/bank robber, hoping I'll have something against the people of Iraq. If you're pretending to be clever, at least learn to spell, it's like 'doing business' with a 4 year old.) To proceed further with this, I shall require your full/company's name, postal address, Telephone and fax number to enable the security company perfect the ownership of the deposit and contact you for the delivery. (Ok, that last sentence made no sense whatsoever, he much be getting excited at finally finding a 'sucker')

Please, I want you to understand that I am in total dilema at present because of my illness,(You're ill? Sorry, I'm a germophobe! Where's my lysol?) and as soon as this money is delivered into your care, you will assist me to come over to your country where I will take proper medical attention. (I will assist you? I 'will' assist you? where's the love? Ever heard of asking?

Please, I need you to assist and deliver me from this ugly situation which I am facing here in Senegal. I want to live a new life again.

Almighty Allah will continue to reward you in abundance. I am waiting to hear from you very soon.

Yours Faithfully,

Mr. Abu Al-Karmel

What a dickhead! Who actually falls for this crap? I was going to string him along for a few weeks for my own entertainment, but in the end, I sent him this email:

Dear Al-Karmel,

I find it amusing that you, for some reason, think my blog site is titled "So get writing, and email your stories, along with your blogshares ID (if you have one) to" At least try to get that right!

I'll also find it incredibly presumtious of you that you have interpreted my email, asking you if this is legal as my 'acceptance to help you'.

It may surprise you to learn, that I'm originally from Europe, and know a little about European Law. Namely that there is no such thing as a bond under 'family treasure'. I also think that a debit into a European bank, for $15,000,000 from an Iraqi source would have the police and Tax services all over it.

However, I can understand you completely ignoring all my questions and interpreting my questions as to whether this is legal as my 'acceptance', as you can barely speak English and just have a set of form letters that you bulk post to every single email address you can find.

I'll level with you. I knew just from the title of your first email that this is an obvious scam, and an old a tired one at that. I was planning to string you along for a few weeks in numerous humorous ways (whaddaya know, I'm a poet!)...possibly capitalising on your low intelligence, as I made you wait, panting for weeks, for money that I was never going to send. I was planning on pretending to have a 'golf' accident (I was going to sit on a golfball, then have to fly to rio de janero on my private jet to have a specialist remove it...which was going to lead to even more hilarity!) But in the end, I couldn't be bothered.

Let me guess. Despite the fact you have access to $15,000,000, I was going to be told I had to 'invest' a few grand for legal costs? Hey, at least you didn't try to use the one about transferring banknotes from nigeria coated in concrete...and then sell me a special 'chemical' to disolve the concrete....whoops! Which then turns out to be water...and there's no money in the concrete!Oh, laugh? I almost felled my granny with a right cross!

Oh, and I suppose that the fact that you were just going to trust me not to take your money and run was supposed to make me trust you? Or was the idea going to be that you were trying to tempt me further with the fact that I could easily screw you over and keep this fictional fortune for myself?

It might have worked. As everyone knows, all us Westerners are greedy, retarded morons.

Let me close, Mr. Abu-Karmel, if that is your real name (it isn't), you made one big mistake.

I am neither greedy, retarded or a moron...and I know how to use a computer.

You see, my blog, that you found my address through, tracks every visitor...including country, city, name it. Also, have you ever heard of neo-trace? That's a program that lets you track the source of all incoming emails. (Your attempt to hide your real address was amateurish at best...anyone who can read an email header could have found your real address).

When you combine the two, I get your location. A location that has been forwarded to the proper authorities (namely the FBI and Interpol). Oh, and the fact you use a Homail address is no protection. You see, the computer you're on has to contact Hotmail first, see? Oh what am I thinking! You can't find your ass with both hands! You have no idea what an IP address is!

Oh, and just so you know, you people who seem to insist on keeping up this very tired, old scam, have become a staple of humor on the internet. People who get emailed by people like you like to string you along for weeks and weeks...publishing your every email on the internet for the amusement of others. I know I'm going to!

This serves three purposes:

a) It exposes you for the morons you are.
b) While we're stringing you along, you're not scamming anyone else.
c) It's really, really, really funny.

In short. Get bent, you pathetic fool. Hope you enjoy prison.

Oh, and I know the second part of this scam also. You get caught, come over all 'Christian', and send me some sob story about having to feed your family...hoping I'm Christian as well, and will send you money to help you out, so you can 'get out of this life'.

That part is almost as dispicable as the first.

Oh, and chances are, you won't even read this email (I've made it very long in the hope you'll skim it with your poor English skills, and will send me another email with more information as to how I can get my greedy, idiotic moron hands on this fictional cash). Please do, my blog readers will enjoy a good laugh.

Yours Most Unsincerely

Senor Spanky Robertson.

(In Spain, they call me El Terrible)....and thats Ter-eeb-lay, not 'terrible'.

What a pathetic attempt to scam cash out of people. Mr. Al-karmel? Prepare for multiple email bombings. That can't be illegal when I'm interfereing with someone who's attempting to scam people, can it?


Kato said...

Suck it, Al-Karmel!

OzzyC said...