Thursday, September 29, 2005

Dog Thinks, Cat Thinks...

There pretty much hasn’t been a pet that I haven’t owned in my lifetime so far. Three dogs, two cats, various homicidal tropical fish, goldfish, parakeets and a one eyed guinea pig called Nelson.

However, I’ve come to the conclusion, that when it comes to pets, you simply can’t beat a good dog. (Errr, I mean, you can’t get a better pet than a dog, not that you can’t actually beat one).

Dogs are much more work than your average cat (training is more than showing them where the food bowl and litter tray is), but they’re much more rewarding.

They also have one major advantage over cats:

They’re not evil bitch-mongers from hell.

To explain this, I give you:

Dog Thinks, Cat Thinks

You walk in the door after a long, exhausting day of work:

Dog Thinks : “YAY! MASTER’S HOME!!!! Oh, I’m so happy to see you, look at my tail wag!"
Cat Thinks : “Oh, it’s you is it? Well, go ahead, help, fix me some more of that inedible slop.”

It’s 3am, and someone is trying to break in:

Dog Thinks : “Ggggrrrrrr. You feelin’ lucky punk? You wanna get to my family, you gotta get through me first…and I will bite your balls off!”
Cat Thinks : “Oh, hello! What’re you hear for? If you’re after a spot of murder, they’re upstairs, first door on the left, but leave one alive, I need SOMEONE to feed me. If you’re here to steal anything, she keeps her jewelery in the top drawer

You tell them to get off the couch:

Dog Thinks : “I’m so sorry Master. I know the rules, and have no excuse. Please forgive me.”
Cat Thinks : “Ha, screw you, Human! Just be glad I allow YOU on here.”

You have to give them a bath:

Dog Thinks : “Traaaaa laaa laaaaaa, la, leee, laaaaaa. Singin’ in the Tub is so much FUN!”
Cat thinks : “I will kill you for this, human. Be careful putting your shoes on for the next few days.”

You give them an order like ‘sit’:

Dog Thinks : “Sir! Yes, Sir!
Cat Thinks : “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!! Oh, that's just PRICELESS! Do it again!"

You have to punish them:

Dog Thinks : “I’m sooooo sorry! I promise not to do it again!”
Cat Thinks : “You have to sleep sometime, Bitch, and you never got me de-clawed.”

You’re getting ready for bed:

Dog Thinks : “Time for security duty, I’ll be at my post by the door.”
Cat Thinks : “Time to lie in the middle of their bed and refuse to move…must remember to stick both my tail and tongue out to take up more space.”

You feed them something other than their usual brand of food:

Dog Thinks : “Mmmmm, yummy, not as good as the other brand though, but I’m lucky to get it!”
Cat Thinks : “If I had thumbs and the necessary upper body strength, I’d throw this at you.”

When you first get up in the morning:

Dog Thinks : “Good Morning, Master!”
Cat Thinks : “Bout time you dragged your lazy ass out of bed, staff.”

When you’re busy:

Dog Thinks : “Time for a nap, I reckon.”
Cat thinks : “First I’ll spit up a furball on their shoes, then I’ll climb up the chair, ‘slip’ and rake down their back…and if I have time, I’ll break-dance on his computer keyboard.”

And finally…

Dog Thinks : “This person feeds me and takes care of me. He must be God!”
Cat Thinks : “This person feeds me, and takes care of me. I must be God!”

It’s true. Dogs see you as family. Cats see you as staff.

4 comments:

serendipity said...

That is PRICELESS!

I swear you could write a book like that and people would buy it. In fact, you ought to send exerpts from your blog to a publishing house and see what they say.

As for the dog and cat references though - there are exceptions, I have actually trained my cat Magic to come on command. He will also sit and beg....the other two though - one ignores me and thinks she is Queen, the other one thinks he is a dog and sleeps at my feet or anywhere else that is as close to me as he can get.

I do miss having a dog though - I just wish I had the time to take care of one.

OzzyC said...

cats suck.

serendipity said...

Ozzyc - cats do NOT suck!! Mine are cute

Paulius said...

Cats would be perfect pets, if they weren't born with their attitude set at 11.