Friday, September 30, 2005

Movies...The Silent Killer! (Unless you've got 5.1 surround)

A while back, I walked into the local Walmart.

I strode purposefully to the Outdoor Sports section, and said:

“Hey, how are you? Can I get a brick of .22 Long Rifle ammo please? Winchester Dynapoints, if you’ve got them.”

The shaved monkey replied :


He handed me my ammo, I handed him some cash.

A few minutes later, I met up with Sunny in the electronics/entertainement section. We picked up some DVD’s. I walked up to the second shaved monkey, and said:

“Just these, please.”

The Shaved Monkey replied:

“These are M-Rated, can I see your ID please?”

I said:

“I don’t have a valid state ID, I only have my British one. Will that do?”

It said:

“I’m sorry, I need a valid state ID.”

I said:

“But I’m 6”1, and I’m sporting a rather fetching goatee beard. I’m here with my wife. I’m 24.”

It said:

“Sorry, I need an ID.”

I said:

“Fine, I’ll get my wife to buy them.”

.22 bullets are neither big, nor particularly powerful, and I was buying them for nothing more dangerous than to punch holes in paper targets, and to help my brother-in-law control the musk-rats down at the fishing pond.

However, it’s a sad and scary time when a foreigner, with an obvious foreign accent can walk into a store, by 500 bullets without a blink or second look…but is not allowed to buy an M-Rated DVD without ID.

Priorities, priorities...

Ammunition, sir? Fine, but you can’t have a slightly violent DVD that may contain strong language or adult situations! I wouldn’t want to be responsible for one of those falling into the wrong hands!

Now, I love shooting, but I gladly support any initiative or program that makes it as hard as possible for criminals or suspect people from buying guns or ammunition.

Hell, if I’d tried to buy an M-rated video game, SWAT probably would have been called.


Jack Thompson : “So, let me get this straight. You bought your son a 12 gauge ‘youth model’ shotgun, gave him a box of shotgun shells, and without any safety instruction or training, you sent him into the woods to play?”

Mr. & Mrs. Fuckwit - Dumbass parents : “Yup.”

Jack Thompson : “Then he shot three of his friends, buried their bodies, and headed to the school, where he murdered the entire teaching staff?”

The Fuckwits : “Yup.”

Jack Thompson : “We may be in trouble.”

Hillary Clinton : “Wait! I’ve just heard that once, last year, he stood next to an X-Box in a store! He may have also watched an M-Rated movie!”


The Fuckwits : “What?”

Jack Thompson : “It’s the video games fault! It warped his mind! He trained himself on it to be a more efficient killer! Muhahahaha! Any chance we can blame Rockstar Games for this?”

If only Jack Thompson hadn’t been molested by that copy of Pong when he was 12...things might have been so different.


MC Etcher said...

You shoot cute little muskrats? With the whiskers and the furry little faces??

Clearly I am a city boy who has never had to deal with vermin larger than ants... which I'm fine squishing out of existence.

Paulius said...

Umm, muskrats aren't so cute or 'little'. They can get up to the size of beavers, and are vicious little bastards. Plus they burrow into the banks of the fishing pond, and slowly ruin it.

If you want to dissaprove of me shooting something, dissaprove of me shooting groundhogs. Let's just say after they burrow their way into the railroad embankment at the back of the property, we don't appreciate the work crews, with their very loud machinery out there for a month and a half, repairing the damage.

Also, one or two trains have been known to de-rail thanks to groundhogs burrowing beneath them.