Monday, December 08, 2008

Another Day, Another Dumbass

I was just watching this weeks episode of ‘Top Gear’ when I saw something so profoundly stupid, I had to repeat it for my American readers.

You know Sarah Ferguson? Fergie? The Duchess of York?

Well it turns out this week that she sold her car and it ended up in the hands of a cab driver. The big twist in the tale is that she didn’t clean out her Sat Nav’s address history and the cabbie went to the press with it.

So what was in there? Something scandal-worthy? Did it turn out that the Duchess of York had been frequenting S&M clubs or known crack houses?

Well…no.

Here is the reason this gigantic dumbass thought this was news worthy. Quoted directly from the Daily Mail:

"What if I'd been a terrorist? This car is a suicide bomber's dream…He would just have to fire up the sat nav and it would take him to the front doors of some of the biggest targets in Britain…The royals can thank their lucky stars the car was bought by me. I'll just delete the addresses."

Ummm…yeah.

He’ll just ‘delete those addresses’…right after he goes to the press with them.

Ok, in case you don’t get it yet, two of these ‘top-secret high profile Royal addresses’ were Windsor Castle and Buckingham palace. Something tells me that even an incredibly dense terrorist can find Buckingham Palace without a Sat Nav.

I’ll give you a clue, Mr. Terrorist. Buckingham Palace is the really big place with the red-uniformed guards in the two foot tall bearskin hats standing outside. That’s right, the ones that aren’t allowed to move or react to you. It’s the huge building surrounded by tourists. If Windsor Castle is more your thing, Windsor Castle is the…well, castley looking place in freaking Windsor.

Whew! Lucky escape there, Duchess. The cabbie got your car, instead of those wacky terrorists who are just known for their constant purchasing of prestige vehicles.

That really is an interesting question. How many terrorist cells in England do you think are out shopping for prestige motor vehicles? When was the last time you heard of a suicide bomber rigging a mint-condition Jaguar XJ6 to blow?

“Hell, Achmed, if I’m going to die for the cause, I’m going to meet Allah in comfort! No, the Lexus won’t do! They handle like crap and they don’t have heated cup-holders, dammit! I don’t care if it’s fifteen grand cheaper! Oh, and this ass touches nothing but soft, blemish free leather!”

Ok, in all seriousness, this shit really has to stop. It really is becoming a case of ‘another day, another dumbass’.

“What if I’d been a terrorist?” For fuck’s sake.

Look. Terrorists are not hiding around every fucking corner! Let me set this straight once and for all:

You have more chance of dying from a brain aneurism brought on by having a massive dump than you have of being involved in a terrorist attack. I think it’s safe to stop looking at everything in terms of how vulnerable it makes you to terrorists.

Here’s the deal, for the past few years our leaders have been playing up the terrorist threat because if we believe death is around every corner, we’ll let them get away with shit we normally wouldn’t in the name of security.

Long story short…don’t be a dumbass, reactionary asshole.

It’s like, the other day I got out of bed and saw Sunny had left a sock on the floor.

“It’s a good job I found it and picked it up.” I said. “What if a terrorist had found it? They could have picked it up and filled it with pennies or rocks or something and made a pretty damn lethal cudgel out of it. See? You leave socks on the floor and you’re potentially arming a terrorist.

Don’t even get me started on the sharp knives and forks she leaves just lying around in kitchen drawers were just anyone can find them. I’ve tried telling her. Even the spoons are lethal with just a few minutes with an angle-grinder.

2 comments:

Sunny said...

Well, my question is.....how the HELL does a CAB DRIVER afford a LUXURY car???

I'm SERIOUSLY in the WRONG PROFESSION!!!!

Evanesce In 2008 said...

Shit man, you crack me up. This and the Jessie Jackson post definitely put me in a good mood for the day.