Friday, October 28, 2005

They're coming! Chain Down the Writing Implements!!!

A while ago, I wrote a post about the Post Office. Basically, my point was you pay the post office for a service (EG, take your letter or package, and deliver it somewhere), so why do you have to pay extra for insurance to make sure it gets there?

I said it’s the same as going to a garage to get your car fixed, and the mechanic saying “Brake job? That’ll be $50, but if you pay me $75, I’ll put it right if I fuck it up.”

I’m paying you for a service, if you lose or break my package, why aren’t you liable?

Well, a few days ago, I visited the bank, in order to get some notarized copies of some documents for my status change.

Like the post office, I noticed something that all banks do.

Next time you go into a bank, look closely at the counter. To be more precise, look at the pens on the counter.

The f**king things are chained down!

Think about this for a minute.

First of all, what do you do at a bank? That’s right, you give them your money to keep safe it safe. You trust the bank with your entire life savings. They expect you to walk in, hand a perfect stranger your paycheck, or a large wodge of cash, and that’s fine.

Don’t however, expect them to trust you with a 12 cent disposable pen.

“No, you fuckers! You may have just handed me $500, but the second my back’s turned, I just know that you’re going to whip away my valuable pens!”

This always makes me think of Gollum with the Ring of Power. Try and steal a pen…

“NO! You MUSTN’T TAKE the PRECIOUS!!!” (Bites off finger and runs into one of the back offices.)

Look, you banking bastards, I just handed you a hefty wedge of greenbacks. I can more than afford to run next door to the Dollar General and buy a whole pack of pens.

Fuck! They’re JUST PENS!

Ok, ok…before I get jumped on, I realise that the pens may be chained down to stop people from absent mindedly walking off with them. We’ve all done it, either at school or the office. Someone hands you a pen to write something, and when you finish, you pop it into your pocket without thinking.

Pens are absolutely critical at a bank, if you don’t have something to sign your name with, you’re screwed.

However, the other thing about banks is that they are also the richest businesses in the world. They charge you interest and all that crap, but don’t think your money just sits in a vault somewhere. Nope, it’s lent to other bank users and paid back with an inflated interest rate. Your money is also used to invest in businesses and all that crap. That’s right, money in the bank is working for the bank.

So can you explain to me why every other little tinpot business in the world gives out pens, with the business’s name on the side, as free gifts.

Why not just put the name of the bank on the side, and leave them out? They’re making an absolute mint on all of us, but don’t want to go to the expense of a couple of cheap pens?

Quite simply, like silence in a library, banks and post offices protect their pens like they’re the most precious thing in the world.

If you really want to freak out bank and post office clerks, charge in wearing a ski-mask and scream:

“Hands up Mother-Stickers! This is a fuck-up! Put all the pens in the bag!!!”

You see, they’re trained in how to act in a robbery, and I don’t think handing over piles and piles of other people’s money, which is insured anyway, is all that traumatic for them.

Threaten the pens, the items that they covet and guard so jealously, and they’ll faint where they stand.

DISCLAIMER : This blog post is for entertainment purposes only. If you're dumb enough to charge into a bank wearing a ski-mask, you deserve to get your ass shot off by the police. Don't blame it on me, Jackass, The Internet or Video Games. If I told you to jump of a bridge, would you go do it? If you answered yes to the last question, go jump of a bridge, you're doing the human race a favor


Kato said...

I've been looking for one of those bank pen chains for my office for some time. Just when I get settled with a really good pen (nice heft, excellent flow), someone comes in to talk to me and walks off with my writing implement. Heathens!

Without the little pens on chains, though, banks would lose all their charm. We'd see them for the scheming, money-grubbing, soulless industry that they are. The pens distract us from that, we're all like, "Hey wait, the banks are making money off of my--hey, is that a pen on a chain? What's that all about?" Devious.

rayray said...

I always thought banks chained down the pens because of those little mouse-maze lines they have and are afraid of someone coming at the tellers wielding a pen.

They only offer classes on how to defend yourself from a man wielding a banana or fresh fruit, not pens.