How To Be An Online Ass In One Easy Step

Ok, this has been bugging the piss out of me for a while.

Many sites allow users (That’s you and me), to submit user reviews of their products. Anything from games, to DVD’s to farm equipment.

Now, at first, this may seem like a great idea. Your average user has no hidden agenda, gets no ‘back-handers’ from companies to talk up their product. It should be completely unbiased.

Of course, there is one major little fly in the ointment of online user reviews.

99% of people on the internet appear to be complete and utter morons.

Now I’m not getting pissed because someone gave a bad review to something I like, or a good review for something I hate. I know people have different opinions. No. It’s just that most of the people who write these reviews probably have difficulty tying their own shoelaces, never mind writing a review.

Here’s the run down of the people who write online reviews.

The first type is such a tiny minority they’re hardly worth mentioning. These are the people who play a game, watch a movie or buy some consumer electronics, and give a clear, concise review. Like I said, you’ll have difficulty finding these.

The second type is the Fanboy. These people write absolutely glowing reviews for things that are complete and utter shit, just because they like the franchise. If it’s games they’re reviewing, they will review everything as a comparison to their favourite game, and will get in major flame wars with anyone who suggests that their favourite game might not be all that good. Example post:

“Ths gme is crap!! Halo is much better! If u dunt thnk so ur a fag.”

The saddest thing with this type is they will actually ‘review’ something before it even comes out. You’ll see a post of ‘This is an Excellent game! Buy it, Buy it, Buy it!!!” …Unfortunately, that game isn’t going to come out for another month and a half. I’m not exaggerating here, go look on IGN or Ebgames. Hate to tell you this, people, but just because the first in a series was good, or just because it carries the Star Wars label or something, does not guarantee it’s going to be any good whatsoever.

The third type, I have named simply, ‘The Fuckwit’.

They can’t write, they can’t spell. Their IQ is the same figure as their shoe size. The formula’s simple, anonymity, plus an audience, equals Fuckwit.

These are the people who love to start flame wars. These are the ones that will post reviews of MMORPG’s like World of Warcraft with something like:

“Dese games r 4 fags! Git a lif lusoR!!!”

Hate to say it, you retards, but just because you don’t like a particular genre, doesn’t mean you should slag it off in a user ’review’.

I’d like to go slightly off topic to give a message to these people. They’re obviously about 12, think they’re hot shit, and are the kind of people who like to bully the shit out of the geeks and nerds at school.

To you people, enjoy your moment in the sun, because once you leave school, everything is going to change. Yes, you might be popular now, but you’ll be working for that nerd one day. School lasts a few years. That geek/nerd will get revenge every single day of his life afterwards, when you find yourself ringing up his order in Taco Bell, just before he gets in his BMW and goes home to his big house.

Rule #1 : Be nice to nerds, you WILL be working for them one day.

The fourth type are what I life to call ’The Oxygen Thieves’.

Let me explain something to you. The dictionary definition of a review is:

1. survey of past: a report or survey of past actions, performance, or events
a review of the stock market for the past five years

2. arts journalistic article giving opinion: a journalistic article giving an assessment of a book, play, movie, concert, or other public performance

Read that over. Does it mention anything about talking about something that you haven’t seen yet? No. Does it mention offering an opinion about what you think something will be like, when you’ve had no access to it?

So please explain to me why you feel the need to post the following review on Ebgames?

(actual review)

“This game looks like it’s going to be cool! I’ll definitely buy it!”

No, you Oxygen Thief! That is NOT a review. Not only are you wasting everyone’s time, because no one trying to find a review or preview of a game gives a tin shit that you think an upcoming game is going to be good, you also give it a 5-star score, which throws the average completely out of whack. If three of you dumb-asses do that, and the site gets 10 reviews…you’ve added an extra star to the overall ranking, you fucking idiot!

Leave the previews and opinions about upcoming games to the actual professionals, the ones who get advance copies and a few playable levels so they can actually form an educated opinion. Just because you like the look of the screenshots does not qualify you to write a review or preview.

The last type, are the “Whiny-Bitch-Dumbasses’.

Now, while the rest of the people I’ve described get on my nerves, these people are like splinters in my brain. These are the kind of people who I just want to strangle.

What happens is, they buy a PC game, and then find that their PC won’t run it. Usually they’re too fucking stupid to read the minimum system requirements or just have some sort of conflict on their computer, and go to every review site they can find to bitch about it. Yes, I’m talking to you, Mr. Anonymous on Ebgames. Yes you, the one who posted this about Chronicles of Riddick: Escape From Butcher Bay:

“This game is SHIT!!!! It crashes right after the opening movie!!! I’ve spent months on the phone to them (I’m guessing he means the game studio), and they’ve been no help at all! Don’t buy this game or anything from them! This game is SHIT!!!!”

Ok, let me explain something to you, Mr. Anonymous, and all you other Whiny-Bitch-Dumbasses out there:

If you encounter a game that is full of bugs, feel free to review that, and bitch all you want. However, when the problem is entirely down to your system, it’s your own damn fault. You can’t call a game shit, and give it a minus rating, just because you personally can’t run it!
I bought Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, and my computer wouldn’t run it. It has a problem where it can’t handle a graphics card that uses shared memory. I didn’t bitch, whine or go on an Anti-Lucas arts, Anti-Bioware crusade. I just thought: “Huh! I need a new graphics card.”

Now, what you’re doing is the equivalent of buying a diesel car, the bitching to everyone you know, and don’t know, because it won’t run on gas. Then going round and telling everyone that gasoline is worthless because it won’t run in your car. You see yourself as some wronged victim, out to expose a heartless corrupt game studio…but everyone else just thinks you’re a twat.

If you absolutely MUST post something, give your system specs. At least that way, you might actually be writing something worth reading. If I knew KOTOR wouldn’t run on my graphics card, I wouldn’t have bought it. Calling a game shit, and trying to take business away from a games studio, just because your system can’t handle it just exposes you as a dumbass, whiny bitch.

Understand?

Thus Endeth The Rant.