THE DUMBEST THING IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD - OFFICIAL

We’ve all been there. Picture the scene, it’s 9am on a Sunday morning, you’re sitting at the breakfast table, reading the newspaper. Suddenly, your partner says:

“So. What do you think?”

“Huh?” You answer back.

Cue argument, screaming and lots of things flying through the air at your head.

Well, fellas, if you don’t hear what your wife says, because you’re reading the paper, watching the game, or have just got into the habit of tuning her out…this is not your fault.

You have a disease. That’s right. An actual disease.

It’s called SHDD, Selective Hearing Deficit Disorder.

Let me show you a letter I read in this month’s Reader’s Digest:

“Mary Roach perfectly describes Selective Hearing Deficit Disorder in her piece about non-communication between couples (My Planet : “Can You Hear Me Now?”). According to the latest research from the Texas Institute of Non-responsibility (TIN), 90% of married couples suffer this ailment. This serious condition is destroying the foundation of society – namely, marriage and family. Like any modern day ailment SHDD has a culprit – which is not us. Research shows that people with SHDD were exposed to nagging mothers, talkative wives/husbands, and engrossing newspapers. A class-action lawsuit is being considered to remedy the suffering of countless couples who are unable to maintain the family unit. If you are a newspaper subscriber, and you don’t hear what your partner has to say, you may be entitled to compensation – Ricardo Schulz, Fort Worth, Texas.”

People, I swear on my life, my marriage and everything I hold dear that this is not a joke. Apparently, not only is tuning your partner out, or just plain ignoring their nagging a disease, you can actually sue and get compensation for it.

I’m not sure what I find more disturbing here, the fact that there are actually people who are willing to swallow this shit, or that there is actually an institute of ‘non-responsibility’.

First of all, if you don’t hear your partner while reading a paper, it’s not a sickness, you’re just focusing on something and they didn’t manage to get your attention. If you’re just tuning them out, it isn’t an ailment, you’ve just got sick of their nagging.

As for ‘being unable to maintain the family unit’, here’s an idea. If you don’t hear your wife the first time, actually show some manners and PUT THE NEWSPAPER DOWN!

The ‘Institute of Non-responsibility’ scares me even more. The fact that there’s a whole institute that’s job it is to come up with bullshit reasons why we’re not responsible for our actions just makes me be sad to be human.

It’s happening all over the world. People do stupid shit, and sue other people or blame someone else for it.

For example, the guy who shot his wife in the head with a rifle while she slept…then blamed it on the fact that he fell off a roof a few years earlier and hit his head.

What…the…fuck…ever.

The fact that there’s an official organization out there who specialize in coming up with reasons to take responsibility away from people for the shit they get up to is just plain pathetic.

What are they going to churn out next? After all, it appears you can invent a disease or blame something to explain just about anything. Today, you’re not fat because you eat cream straight from the can all day, you have a hormone imbalance. It can’t possibly by YOUR fault, can it?

It’s easy, here’s one off the top of my head:

Let’s see…ok… Men don’t leave the toilet seat up because they forget to put it down, they suffer from PSSS or ‘Patriarchal Society Superiority Syndrome’. They are continually bombarded with Male superiority through the media, so subconsciously, they resent having to lower the seat for the sake of women. It’s not their fault. Society has conditioned men to leave the toilet seat up

What a load of crap.

That’s another thing. ‘Society’ is blamed for everything these days. But what is ‘society’?

I’ll tell you. Society is people. So blaming society is the equivalent of saying “Everyone does bad things because of everyone else.” IE, everyone can blame everyone else for the shit they do wrong.

That letter cracks me up because of the way the guy casually mentions ‘engrossing newspapers’ as a major cause of this made up ‘disease’, and says that if you have a newspaper subscription, you may be entitled to compensation…or in other words, you can sue the newspaper for giving you SHDD.

I think this will be the first time a publication will be sued for being too good and interesting.

I’m pretty certain that Mr. Schulz is a lawyer. He takes an interesting article about couples communicating, and uses it as an excuse to let people know that they can make some money out of being a bad partner. I also love the way that he describes not listening to your partner, something that has probably happened at some point to all married couples since the beginning of time, as ‘Destroying the foundation of society’

Let me translate his letter from Lawyer-speak:

“Here at Scrooem, Fleecem and Smyle, we’re always on the lookout for bullshit things that you can sue over. You see, if we can convince you that you’ve been wronged, or even just point out that you can get a shit load of money for doing Sweet Fanny Adams…maybe you’ll let us represent you, so we can then take a nice big slice of your completely undeserved, bullshit award. You see, we don’t actually care about common sense and actual justice, we just want to make a shit load of money off of you.

Of course, blaming something stupid on this new ‘disease’, SHDD, (which is obviously completely official and on the up-and-up, because it has the lot of big words and ‘disorder’ in the title, and even had its own acronym!)… is not quite enough.

You see, in order get you money that you don’t deserve or need, we have to first take money from people who actually work hard and earn it. In other words, to pay you, the people who are obscenely greedy, and have all the moral fortitude of a starfish… or so dumb you make everyone on the short bus look like Einstein…we first need someone to sue.

What we intend to do, is blame the fact that you can’t be bothered listening to your wife on newspapers. That’s right, newspapers. After all, if those vicious, evil bastards didn’t make their work so enlightening, interesting and engrossing, you wouldn’t read it, and might actually listen to your wife for once. Forget the fact that you could actually show some manners, self-control and consideration and just put the paper down. This is the type of thing a normal human being would do, someone who actually has some social skills and isn’t completely self centered, which as you’re trying to sue someone for a bullshit reason, obviously isn’t you.

No, the newspaper people are being completely irresponsible. They should produce unreadable crap, so you won’t actually have to exercise any sort of self control. Self control, taking responsibility for your own actions and any shred of common sense, are not the way to get rich off other people’s hard work.

Remember, in bullshit lawsuits, common sense, responsibility and any form of morality is the enemy. They should be avoided at all costs.

Also, completely forget the fact than anyone with an ounce of common sense can see that this whole ‘disease’ is about as likely and rational as expecting a half eaten, tapdancing lemon to become the next President. After all, what has common sense ever had to do with law?

Here at Scrooem, Fleecem and Smyle, we don’t think you should actually have to work for your money. We don’t think that it’s immoral or wrong in any way to sue the shit out of someone, just because you don’t feel like taking responsibility for anything you do; And even if we did think it was immoral, we wouldn’t care. You don’t get rich off morals! After all, you’re a self centered, idiotic prick, who would probably try to blame your parents not getting you that GI-Joe for Christmas 1963, for you robbing a gas station.

We live in an idiotic time when you can sue anyone for just about anything, even if you’ve never come into contact with them, so why should you actually go to work, when you can get rich by taking money of the people who actually earned it?

Incidentally, if your wife complains about your farts, have you considered suing your favourite restaurant? After all, if their food wasn’t so delicious, you wouldn’t eat their and produce any gas whatsoever! (Please ignore the fact you have to eat to live.)

Call the offices of Scrooem, Fleecem and Smyle Today!

Scrooem, Fleecem and Smyle – We’ll get you paid.”

Jesus Christ, people.

We actually live in a time when it is possible to sue a newspaper because you don’t listen to your husband or wife. If you can sue for that, you can sue for anything.

Hmm, now I come to think about it, I’m under incredible stress trying to make this blog interesting and readable for you.

I have all your IP addresses…you’ll be hearing from my lawyers.