Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Oww! There's a Splinter In My Cell!!!

Anyone who also reads my wife’s blog will know she had surgery on her wrist yesterday.

Well, she’s doing fine, and enjoying the license her new cast gives her to do bugger all around the house.

Well, unfortunately for me, she has to take some pretty damn powerful painkillers for the next few days. (The type that give you a conversation with the pink elephant while bitch-slapping Aspirin and Tylenol for being sissies). Well, anyway, the downside is she’s off in sleepy la la land within minutes of taking them.

Result? She’s sleeping like she’s taken an extra large dose of ‘Super Sleepy Nighttime Sleepy Snoozy Snooze’, while I sit on the couch, bored, and unable to watch TV or anything in case I wake her.

(I know, I know…poor baby! His wife had to have surgery, and now he’s bored! What a trooper!)

Anyway, desperately in need of entertainment, I checked my wallet and found that I had an extra $10. My brain ticked for a few moments, and I thought that I might be able to find something in the pre-played section at EB Games. Maybe, just maybe, I could find something that my ancient Pentium II would run. (It can just about run ‘The Sims’.)

Well, anyway, we had chores to day today anyway, so after running our errands, we arrived at EB Games.

“Pre-Owned Nintendo Gamecubes - $60!!!” The sign said.

It also happened to be a happy coincidence that today is payday, and a few days ago, my wife got her vacation paycheck. We had some money to spare!

Of course, I didn’t say anything outright. Just dropped a few hints along the lines of “Wow! That’s really cheap!”

In the end, I just had to say one word. ‘Zelda’…The game my wife got hooked on, on her old N64.

Long story short, we’re now the proud owners of a shiny new(ish) Nintendo Gamecube.

Now before the gamers out there start ragging me about it. Yes, I know it’s not the most powerful console out there. No, it’s not the newest, fastest or shiniest console on the block. However, it works, and can run games that were made after 1992.

All I know, is after a 14 month Hiatus, I have a current gen console. (Yes, monsieur Gamer, I know that some next gen consoles are coming out this year…I don’t care…once I get working, I’m buying a gaming PC, and ALL consoles can suck my balls).

So basically, I spent all afternoon playing Splinter Cell.

Let’s just say after being stuck playing Bejewelled and Tetris for over a year, it was great. Like a 100 pack a day smoker, who’s spent a terrible year giving up, then finds out that they’ve invented ‘cancer frees’, and are selling them for 2 cents a pack.

In short. WOO HOOOO!!!!

Now, Splinter Cell was one of those games that I’d heard about, but never played until today. I’m not usually into ‘stealth’ based games.

However, I had to say I was really impressed. I’ve played it, and pronounced it ‘stealth-tastic’, ‘Sam Fisher-iffic’, and ‘Night Vision-licious’.

However, as I’m a nitpicking bar-steward, I had to find everything wrong with it that I could.

So in that spirit, I give you:

If Life Were Like Splinter Cell:

1) Your Night Vision Goggles would glow vividly in the dark, while making a high pitched whistle. However, any enemies would completely miss three glowing circles in the dark, and would not hear the whistle.
2) A mission that cost millions of dollars and thousands of man-hours to plan would instantly be cancelled if an alarm went off…Regardless if the mission could still be carried out.
3) People would be instantly be knocked out by a blow to the head if caught by surprise. However, the exact same blow would have almost no effect if they saw it coming.
4) You could grab someone and put them in a headlock, and they would make no noise. Despite the fact that help is literally feet away.
5) Crouching in a shadow would make you invisible, even if your enemy was a foot away, and looking for you.
6) Security guards would not find it strange that security cameras would fail inexplicably, in sequence, at the same interval of time it would take someone to sneak between them. Apparently, it’s not unusual for every security camera in the building to fail, one after another.
7) Guards would find a trail of smashed light bulbs, when no-one was meant to be in the building, and not find this suspicious in any way. This is true, even if a light bulb is shot out directly in front of them.
8) A man would be able to jump up between two, closely spaced walls, do the splits to hold himself up in the air, and hold that position indefinitely. He would not get groin strain, or even groan slightly after landing back on the floor.
9) If a security guard sees an intruder, who then runs away, they will look for the intruder for about a minute and a half, before going back to their normal beat, completely unconcerned.
10) All computers could be hacked in less than 5 seconds, using only one hand.

So there you have it.

Of course, I understand computer games aren’t meant to be 100% realistic, and have to sacrifice a little realism for the sake of fun. I mean, imagine if life was exactly like video games!

People born in the 80’s (the Pacman Era) would spend all their time in dark rooms, munching pills, while listening to repetitive music!



MC Etcher said...

The GC is a powerful little console, easily better than the PS2. True.

GC is really the unappreciated little brother of three current consoles.

So few developers want to make games for it, a damn shame.

I highly recommend the Resident Evil Games, especially #4

Miz S said...

LOL- I think you deserve the game console- I KNOW what a big huge pain in the butt I can be when I'm NOT sick or hurting....Let alone when I AM.....and besides- you're the best hubby ever for taking care of me. I love to spoil you- regardless of whether or not I ever get Zelda for it.
Or a shooting game....or a racing game....or that game where you build the roads and then drive the car off the end of it and crash into the ocean- or the ground below.....

What is the object of Resident Evil, BTW?
I wish my hand were better so I could play NOW- or at least stay awake to watch you play for more than 10 minutes.!!

Chief Slacker said...

Resident Evil Rocks... you basically have to go through it until you figure someone your character knows is a huge mutant monster and find a way to kill it. Stop questioning and start killing.

I too have 1998 pentium II computer syndrome... at least new roomie works at bust buy and can get me deals on stuff!

Vicarious Living said...

Resident Evil is a beautiful thing. It has been too long, I may have to stop blogging and continue the love affair.

serendipity said...

I've never been any good at computer games. The only game I ever got truly hooked on was 'Manic Miner' for my old ZX Spectrum...and i was about 10 years old at the time I think.

Since then I can only play games that were developed for young children, like Finding Nemo, or some kind of Disney thing.

Oh well, i'll leave that kind of stuff to the boys and read another book...

Paulius said...

I love the classic, retro games, including Manic Miner!

I was honestly surprised as hell at just how good the Gamecube was. I don't know the exact specs, but it's pretty damn powerful.

I think nintendo kinda shot themselves in the foot by 'resting on their laurels'. They thought they could keep people interested by just slapping Mario on anything from fighting to tennis games!

On the other hand, just got Spiderman 2. What...a...game!!!

Kato said...

"buying a gaming PC, and ALL consoles can suck my balls" Here here! (Actually, consoles aren't so bad, but games dumbed down to run on both PCs and consoles piss me off).

I wrote a post awhile back where I imagined myself in the role of Sam Fisher. It was quite long. I think I'm the only one who was amused by it.