Tuesday, July 26, 2005

You're Naked Under All Those Clothes! POLICE!!!

Ever played ‘The Sims’?

Many of you probably have, after all, it is the highest selling video game of all time.

Well, thanks to that frigging idiot Mr. Thompson (That’s right, the same idiot at the center of the GTA ‘Hot coffee’ scandal). ‘The Sims’ is now facing a controversy all it’s own.


Because, apparently, Mr. Thompson has decided that it’s actually MUCH worse that GTA San Andreas, because it shows ‘full frontal nudity’, including, and I quote, ‘genitalia, including nipples, penises and vaginas’.

Mr. Thompson, following his usual form by completely missing the point, not doing any research whatsoever, and being a complete fucking idiot; is apparently bored of surfing his current moral panic, and has decided to create his own.

Forget the fact he’s never actually played the game, or bothered to find out what a ‘Mod’ is, he’s just steaming ahead and having another go at his own game:

“Make a name for myself and lots and lots of cash by suing anyone I can for frivolous reasons.”

Now, for the three people out there who’ve never played ‘The Sims’, let me explain the game.

Basically, you create a family, and completely micro-manage their lives. You have to get them jobs, decorate their house, tell them when to eat, sleep, relax, study, watch TV, learn to play a musical instrument etc. Basically, you control every aspect of their lives.

As well as being incredibly entertaining, it involves a lot of thought and forward planning. You get your Sim a job, and have to make sure he or she improves in the skills he needs for the job. You also need to make sure he relaxes enough, keeps a social life going etc.

In other words, the game is pseudo-educational. A case could be made to show that it teaches kids the value of study and hard work, while teaching them time-management and other useful life skills…and that case would actually be, at least loosely, based in fact.

The problem Mr. Thompson has with this game is you have to tell them to shower, bathe and get into bed.

Of course, no one showers fully clothed, so the Sims get naked.

Now before you join Mr. Thompson on his crusade, any nudity in the Sims is blurred out. That’s right, blurred out, just like they do to people’s faces on ‘Cops’. You can’t see a damn thing. Thompson saying it’s pornographic makes about as much sense as me suijng someone for ‘being naked underneath their clothes’.

I should also point out that the actual character models to not actually have any genitalia, nipples or otherwise. If you took the blur away, you’d be looking at something as graphic as a naked Barbie or Ken.

Unless you’re a sentient GI Joe, there’s not much there to get excited about.

So what has Thompson’s knickers in a twist this time?

Those crazy hackers, of course.

You see, some bright spark with a bit of computing know-how, released a ‘naked sims’ patch on the internet.

Again, for the three people who don’t know what a patch is: A patch is a computer program that alters an existing program in some way. Many games producers release them for games in order to fix bugs and problems that aren’t discovered until the game has been released.

However, patches can be released by absolutely anyone who knows how to write one. They can also alter or fix any computer program, not just games.

In other words, if you download the ‘naked sims’ patch, and run it, it will alter the game, giving the characters wedding tackle and removing the ‘modesty blur’.

Long story short, some guy somewhere, who obviously is either very lonely, bored, or both, decided it would be fun to see some naked Sim booty. Once he had completed his masterpiece, he decided to share it with the world.

However, Mr. Thompson doesn’t see it this way. He’s complete disregarded the fact that the ‘naked’ patch is third party, and not condoned, supported or authorized by the game’s creator in anyway.

In his mind, there is only one place to point the finger:

Electronic Arts, the creators of ‘The Sims’, of course.

Apparently, Mr. Thompson believes that if you release something, and someone takes it upon themselves to alter it, you should be held liable. This completely ignores the fact that unless you ship a chaperone with every game, to make sure you do not alter it in any way, it’s absolutely impossible to prevent.

What Mr. Thompson expects of games companies, is like expecting book publishers to make it impossible to take scissors to a book, and rearrange the letters to form dirty words.

In short, Mr. Thompson is a complete and utter ringpiece.

So, according to Mr. Thompson’s logic, I could download a picture of him off the internet, run it through photoshop so it looks like he’s waving his cock at a donkey, then post it on the internet. I wouldn’t be liable in any way, shape or form, and everyone else could sue him for obscenity.

After all, he actually created the picture, so it’s his responsibility. The fact that I was able to alter it is his fault, because he should have safeguarded against it. Screw the fact that it’s not possible.

Mr. Thompson, I hope there’s a law against stupidity, because you’re guilty of multiple counts of being a ‘Fucking Idiot in the First Degree’.

But, you know what? I wish lots of luck to Mr. Thompson and all of his cronies.

You see, the gaming community has precedent on our side. It’s not illegal to release any adult media as long as it’s rated as such. Also, a game producer can not be held liable if a private citizen alters a non-adult game, making it ‘pornographic’.

What Mr. Thompson fails to realize is that the gamer demographic is one of the most important in the world right now, and that computer games are a billion dollar industry. The world, and especially government, runs on money. No government is going to restrict an industry that pays millions in taxes every year.

Oh, Oh, Oh! Mr. Thompson! While I remember: The X-Box console is evil as well! You can get GTA San Andreas on it now! Make sure you take them to court next! They actually specialize in mature rated games!

I wouldn’t worry, Mr. Thompson. The X-Box name is only owned by a small little company, it’s called Microsoft. They’ll be a push over in court, and winning against them will bring the gaming world to its knees! It’s not like Bill Gates’ army of billion dollar lawyers will bitch-slap you around the courtroom until you cry like a baby girl!

Mr. Thompson, I hate to tell you this, but you’ve become the viral-marketing poster boy.

Thanks to the media frenzy you whipped up over Grand Theft Auto, copies of the game are literally flying off the shelves. Stores simply can’t keep up with demand.

All you’ve done is given Rockstar games a whole butt-load of free publicity. Worldwide media coverage! you just can’t buy that kind of publicity! People who would normally have no interest in the game are buying it, simply to see what all the fuss is about.

I’m pretty sure Electronic Arts are simply rubbing their hands with glee right now. You’ve made the computer game moral panic a real hot-button issue right, and the world’s media are just salivating over the next story you throw their way. If EA and The Sims fall into that slot, they can look forward to shifting about a million more copies of their game.

In fact, Mr. Thompson, despite the fact that everything I’ve written here is my opinion, and therefore protected against any libel or slander suit under US law, could you please try and sue me over it?

I could put up some Google ads and never have to work again.


Miz S said...


When are we getting another FUNNY story?
I need something to laugh about.......if I want controversy I can go to work.

Just kidding sweetie. I love ALL your blogs.

I don't know why those Mr.....what-ever-his-name-is of the world can't just tidy their own house and leave us to do the same...I might not like his church- but that doesn't give me the right to try and make him give it up and prevent him from going- or him inviting others to join his church.
Nosey- assed people!!

NWJR said...

YEAH! What you said!

This post should be read by every legislator in the country.

Amen, brotha. Preach that gospel!

OzzyC said...

American lawmakers are merely rich idiots with too much hubris to realize what morons they are.

MC Etcher said...

The government doesn't seem to mind restricting tobacco...

And isn't violence and sex even worse than secondhand smoke?

Yeah, hacks and mods are going to be newsworthy for a while, until everyone gets bored.

Until then, morons will be milking it for all it's worth.

Paulius said...

Yes, they restrict tobacco, in that they have places where you're not allowed to smoke...but I actually agree with that, and I am a smoker.

Also, just like games, you have to be a particular age to smoke.

Even thought the 'health issues' around second hand smoke are so much bullshit, I think of it as a manners thing. Most non-smokers simply don't like the smell, so I find nothing wrong with not smoking in a public setting.

Kato said...

Jack Thompson is a tool. Bill Harris over at Dubious Quality has mentioned him a few times. Lately he pointed out this fact to Mr. Thompson: "Now that you in the process of triumph over the forces thrusting pixilated genitalia upon our youth, I would like to call your attention to another possibly devious form of entertainment. This device, clearly favored by pedophiles in rehearsing their abuse, is the Etch-a-Sketch. It appears to be a harmless device as delivered to the consumer, as it is entirely blank. However, the build in knobs and drawing tools allow modders to draw any kind of sexual content they desire. It’s all available, and it’s available in explicit detail. I believe this product should be available for adults only."

When I played the original Sims I decided I would see what happen if my buddy and I decided to get an apt. together. At the time, in the real world, he was a medical student and I was finishing up my degree in Computer Science. I tried to make the sim versions of ourselves match that. Early on, sim Kato was able to get a low-level tech related job, and I was lucky enough to find a job in the medical field for my friend. Unfortunately, my job was during normal hours and his was the graveyard shift. Sim Kato lived a happy normal life, and was lucky enough to be home when his sexy female neighbors stopped by to say hello or called up just to chat. Kato's friend, however, did nothing but sleep, eat, and work. He had no friends and took to sulking on the couch. I tried to lighten his spirits by giving him a basketball hoop and some other nice things, but he was so lonely he just sat around and cried. Meanwhile Kato was living the high life. I kinda got depressed by it and stopped simming after awhile, I didn't want my friend to commit virtual suicide.