Tuesday, July 12, 2005

FISHWARS IV - A NEW HOPE

It’s 7am, and the goldfish are having their morning meeting.

Gil, the scientist of the bunch speaks up:

“Ok, people, here’s what we know so far. 3 days ago, each of us was plucked out of the known universe…”

“HERESY!” Screamed Father Fin. “THAT’S HERESY!”

“What’s heresy, father?” Asked Gil.

“As every young fish should know, the Pondscape makes up the entire universe! It IS the universe! For did not Almighty Charles dig the Pondscape from nothing, using his shovel of truth? And did he not protect the universe with Pond Sheeting from the Heavenly HomeDepot? And did he not fill the universe with the life giving water from his hosepipe of justice? And did he not…”

“THANK YOU, FATHER.” Shouted Gil.

It was going to be one of those days.

“Religion aside, each of us, and no one knows why we were chosen, where scooped from the known universe…thank you Father!…and placed into what appeared to be a mini-universe our researchers have started calling the ‘bucket’. From there...”

“Aliens.” Muttered Jim.

“Excuse me?” Asked Gil.

“Obviously it’s aliens. We’ve been abducted.”

“Don’t be absurd!” retorted Gil.

“Excuse me!” Said Jim, indignantly. “I’m having a nice nap, when suddenly, a great big white thing lifts me out of the known universe…”

“HERESY!”

“…I’m placed in some bright white place, and next thing you know, I’m here…in this freaky place.”

Gil flicked a fin irritably. “There are no such things as aliens.” He said. “It’s statistically impossible.”

“Then how do you explain the crash in Rosewell?” Challenged Jim.

If Gil had a head, or hands…he would have buried the former in the latter.

“Everyone knows about Rosewell!” Continued Jim, “Jack from under the lillypad was there. There was an almighty boom and this great big alien craft that ticked and had these three weird moving parts hit the ground. The next thing he knew it vanished.”

“Yeah!” Said Margaret, who until that point had been only half paying attention. “I heard about that to! The craft vanished, and an almighty sound came from the heavens! It said:

‘DAMN IT! THAT’S THE SECOND BLOODY WATCH I’VE RUINED IN THIS POND!!’”

Gil sighed. “And what does that mean?”

“No… one… knows.” Said Margaret in her best scary voice. “It’s alien language.”

“I heard over 20 fish vanished right then…only the bullfrogs covered it up!” Said Jim.

Gil took a quick lap of the plastic diver to calm down. Obviously, he was dealing with idiots.

“Let’s get back to the point, shall we?” He said. “So we were plucked from the known universe…”

“HERESY! BLASPHEMER!”

“…thank you, father. Put into the mini-universe, then, there was a flash of light, and we found ourselves here. A whole new universe. Lilypad’s greatest scholars thought such places might be possible, but until now…”

“This place gives me the creeps.” Interrupted Jim. “It’s too big. You can see more than 6 inches in front of you and everything. Not to mention the invisible wall!”

The invisible wall was a great mystery. They could see for what looked like tens of yards, a distance unknown to fishkind, all around them, but they could only swim a couple of feet.

“Dat invisble wall is a bidtch.” Said Rodney. “I swab into id as fast as I could. All I god was a brogen dose.”

“Well, we had more luck with the shimmering, Mystical Barrier above us.” Said Jim. “We can breach that, but it’s strange. Once you get part way through, your flippers and gills stop working! I tried it! I just stopped getting any higher, and I couldn’t breathe! Why would that be?”

Gil Braced himself. “I think I know why.”

The others listened intently.

“I think outside the invisible wall, or beyond the mystical barrier, there’s some kind of waterless environment.”

“HERESY!” Screamed Father Fin. “There is no such thing as a waterless environment! For did not Almighty Charles create the water with his Hosepipe of Justice? Did not the Prophet Ken hear Almighty Charles, who told him ‘I’ll be in, in a minute, the bugzapper’s not working!’?”

The rest of the group looked at him quizzically. What the hell is a bugzapper? And what does it have to do with there being no water?

Father Fin had a habit of spouting random scripture when he was confused.

“Listen.” Said Gil. “Things are different here. This is not our universe…Father, if you scream ‘heresy’ at me just once more, I swear I will kick you in the back of the head…What else can explain what happened to poor Gerald?”

“His strength of faith let him leave this place, and right now he is at Almighty Charles side, in the paradise that is ‘HomeDepot’!” Shouted Father Fin. “Homedepot! Where the water is, well, watery, where fish can be free to…erm…swim…and stuff.”

“I don’t think so.” Said Jim, swimming up to the invisible wall. “I can see him, he’s on the floor.”

“Yeah!” Said Margaret. “The poor bastard dropped like a STONE!”

“Exactly!” Said Gil, seizing the moment. “It seems in a waterless environment, there’s a force that pulls you downwards.”

“And his flippers definitely didn’t work!” Said Jim. “he flopped around a bit, after his nosedive, but he just couldn’t gain any altitude.”

“HERESY!” Screamed Father Fin.

Gil tried to find a way to pick up a rock and throw it at him.

“It’s blasphemous and just not possible! For did not Almighty Charles Create the first Fish, John and Barbara, and did he not give unto them…”

“Oh will you just shut up, you insufferable God botherer!” Snapped Gil, all patience having left him. “It’s your fault that poor little Gerald is dead!”

“That is NOT SO!” Screamed Father Fin. “I just…”

“What you ‘just’, is that you ignored my recommendation that scouting missions be put off until we learn a little more about this new universe! You pointed out to Gerald that if he swam, up the Great Bubble Wall as fast as he could, the added current would allow him to pierce the Mystical Barrier! You told him that I was an idiot, and that as Charles Almighty created everything, then the Great Bubble Wall must have been his creation, therefore, it must have a purpose… and that piercing the Mystical Barrier was it!”

“BLASPHEMY! HERESY! BLASPHEMY AGAIN!” Shouted Father Fin.

“You didn’t go yourself, though, did you!” Gil shouted right back. “Better to let poor, simple Gerald try it first!”

“Did not Almighty Charles...”

“Told him he was going to be a hero! A hero? The only thing he’ll be remembered for is the longest jump known to fish kind! The poor bastard shot through the Barrier like a cork, did a double back somersault, a pirouette with a half twist… then he ate the floor! The last thing he heard wasn’t Almighty Charles’ kind voice, it was more of a wet splat!” Gil paused as he caught his breath. “You just look at him, Father Fin, and tell me you’re proud of yourself!”

“You can’t” Said Jim. “That weird thing with the four legs has just eaten him.”

They swam to this invisible wall, just in time to see poor Gerald’s tail vanish between the furry quadruped’s lips

“I hate dat ting.” Said Rodney. “It comes right ub to de invisible wall and just stares. Der first time id did dat, I shid on byself!”

“I know.” Said Jim. “I was right behind you.”

“This fighting isn’t getting us anywhere.” Sighed Margaret. “We need to find a way out of here.”

Gil took a deep breath, and with a dirty look at Father Gil, fell silent. Eventually he said. “You’re right, Let’s get back to business.”

“That’s better.” Said Margaret. “Now we need to find out why the aliens, or possibly the Bullfrogs, did this to us.”

It took three fish to hold Gil back.

Fine minutes later, after much fighting and arguing, the meeting was resumed.

“So, in conclusion.” Said Gil, as he tried to ignore the pain in his dorsal fin. “The general consensus is: We where plucked from the Universe, possibly by aliens, the Bullfrogs… or (sigh) we are all under a spell, made by evil non-believers in the Almighty Charles.

We are currently trapped behind four invisible walls, and a Mystical Barrier above. Outside is an airless environment, although an airless environment cannot possibly exist. If we escape the walls, we have a short trip to the floor, where we suffocate and get eaten by a strange creature with no gills or flippers, but has four legs.”

“Right.” Said everybody.

“I hab a question.” Said Rodney.

Gil braced himself.

“In Bible class, I heard dat Albighty Charles has doo armbs and doo legs.”

“And?” Said Gil.

“Doesn’t he look a bid like dat guy ober dere?”

“HERES…” Began Father Fin, before he withered under Gil’s stare. It would already take weeks for all his scales to grow back.

“Now you come to mention it, he does look a bit like him.” Said Jim. “But Almighty Charles doesn’t have black hair, or fur on face, where no fur should be! Oh, and that guy doesn’t have a Shovel of Truth or a Hosepipe of Justice.”

“He doesn’t look very HomeDepotly either!” Said Jeff, who had overslept and only just arrived.

“Oh!” Said Margaret. “Him! I’ve heard the other one call him Paulius.”

“Other one?” Said Jim.

“Yeah, I think she’s called Sunny. Now she looks a little Homedepotly.”

“Well it’s obvious!” Said Father Fin. “He’s obviously a Demon, who kidnapped Sunny…wait… SUNNY!….SHE’S THE DAUGHTER OF ALMIGHTY CHARLES! Paulius must be the demon, and he’s kidnapped her! He’s a demon…Demon…DEMON!!!”

“Alien or Bullfrog conspiracist.” Said Margaret.

“Responsible for by broken dose.” Said Rodney.

“It’s obvious he’s responsible for bringing us here.” Said Gil. “But why us? Why not some of the others?”

“Who cares!” Said Rodney.

They looked at eachother.

“Let’s try to kill him.”

And there was accord.

2 comments:

Miz S said...

Sorry I woke you laughing this morning....

Can I ask a question?...

Where do you come UP with this stuff?

This was one of- if not THE -best one yet.

You always make me smile.
It's no wonder I love you so much.

Chief Slacker said...

Homedepotly? haha

nice story, i can just hear the poltting now ;O)