Thursday, July 07, 2005

Marking Territory? I Don't Think So.

I love the theories women come up with to ‘understand’ their men.

The most recent example of this is on my wife's blog , where she attempts to explain my messiness, by theorizing that I’m marking territory.

Now the more accepted theory is the ‘hunter-gatherer’ theory. For those who do not know this theory, I will attempt to explain it:

Basically, men are genetically programmed to be hunter-gatherers. Our genes tell us that it is our job to find a healthy mate, pass on our genes (through having lots of babies), then hunt and gather to make sure our mate and offspring survive.

Of course, there are other cavemen out there that we are in direct competition with. Other cavemen who, as well as providing for their own, will take every opportunity to screw us over. Why go to all that trouble hunting down that wooly mammoth, when he can wait for me to kill one, then just nick it from me?

That way, he’s killing off the competition. That way, I’m not hogging the choice women that he could mate with, and his kids don’t have to worry about fighting against my kids.

What all this means is that men are pre-disposed to being ‘messy’.


Because, not only are we genetically pre-programmed to gather as much stuff as possible, we’re also programmed to keep all our stuff in view at all times. If we don’t, Ug McRock from the cave down the road just might slip into our cave in the middle of the night and nick some of our hard-won junk if we’re not guarding it.

Then we have to explain to Wilma where little BamBam’s dinosaur-powered radio has got to, and you know what that’s like.

Especially considering chocolate won’t be invented for another few million years.

This theory explains a lot about modern life, because despite the fact we like to think of ourselves as big important creatures, we are just that… creatures. We’re animals, albeit incredibly intelligent ones.

There is a lot of evidence for this ‘genetic programming’. For example, studies have shown that men find an 80% waist to hips ratio the most attractive body shape for women.


Because when a woman’s waist is 80% the size of her hips (The ‘hourglass’ figure), it shows that the woman is healthy, likely to be able to bear children, and is less likely to have already had children.

Now considering most single men turn tail and run at the mere mention of the word ‘baby’, because we find this body shape attractive, it must be genetic memory. After all, we’re not thinking of raising a family when we see you in the club, but we still find that particular shape attractive. There, proof of genetic memory and pre-programming.

This theory also explains lots of today’s double standards between men and women.

For example, if a man sleeps with 15 women in a week, he’s a ‘stud’ and a hero to all other men. On the other hand, if a woman sleeps with 15 men in the same week, she’s nothing but a dirty slut, who is hated by women and laughed at by men.

The angle on this is that back in prehistoric times, sex was based purely in pro-creation.

There weren’t any of the same societal and social constraints that there are today. If a man wanted a woman, he’d club her on the head and drag her back to his cave. He didn’t have to worry about whether his clothes were in style, whether he had the latest attractive haircut, or even think about his paycheck. The rule was you simply took what you wanted.

If another man wanted the same woman as you, you didn’t spread rumors about the other guy having genital warts and being a dirty, womanizing user. You didn’t launch a smear campaign. You didn’t use any tactics other than violence.

You simply fought over her. The strongest male won the right to spread his seed. This even works out for the woman, because the weaker potential mate would be beaten, leaving the stronger, superior male.

Now we come to the rub:

The man’s job was to spread his seed as far and wide as possible, to give him the best possible chance of his offspring surviving. The theory being, strong man = strong children = stronger race.

On the other hand, the woman’s job was to be a lot pickier. Her job was to find the best, strongest mate possible and have his children, so her babies would be strong, letting her genes hitch a ride to genetic immortality.

Therefore, a man who sleeps with lots of women is doing his job. A woman who sleeps with a lot of men isn’t concerned with the future of the race. She’s concerned more with her own pleasure than finding a decent mate.

Now all of these theories have two things in common:

1) They’re very well thought out, based on the evidence, and highly logical.
2) They’re complete and utter bollocks.

Now I don’t want to break any illusions here, but me being messy has nothing to do with marking territory or being a hunter-gatherer.

The truth is, I’m just incredibly lazy…and a procrastinator

You see, me leaving an empty cigarette packet on the coffee table isn’t me marking territory. It’s just that the bin is way over on the other side of the room. Why get up out of my comfy chair, missing the end of CSI, when I can just drop it on the table in front of me.

There’s no sense in it.

Tidying is work. Work is hard. Hard is not as much fun as easy. Why take the hard road when the easy option is right in front of you?

Ah ha! I hear you shout. But at some point, you have to get up anyway! If you’re not marking territory, why don’t you move it then?

Again… laziness, plus the fact that mess doesn’t bother me nearly as much as it does my wife.

You see, if my wife puts something down, she doesn’t want the place to get messy, so she’ll remember to move it when she gets up.

I, on the other hand, don’t really care. This means that once I’ve dealt with the original problem (IE, I have the foil from my cigarette packet in my hand), once I put it down, and that problem is dealt with, I just don’t think about it!

The wife thinks ahead. I don’t.

The problem is already dealt with. I no longer have that little piece of trash in my hand.

It’s out of sight and out of mind.

Of course, eventually the trash begins to build up, and at that point, I will actually tidy up…but that’s a whole new problem to be dealt with, and in my mind, has no relation to me dropping an empty cigarette pack on the coffee table the day before.

It’s the mantra of the lazy man: “Hard at some point in the future is preferable to slightly less easy now.”

In other words, I’d rather face a big task later on than a small task right now.

Oh, and the big task is a whole new task. That means that the big task can also be put off.

I mean, seriously, who cares what you have to do in the next couple of days? As long as I don’t have to do anything right now!

I’ve said it a million times before. While men aren’t the ‘Food, sex and sleep’ morons we make ourselves out to be…we are, by no stretch of the imagination, as complicated as women.

Of course, women think we are, so they come up with these theories to explain our behavior.

Ah Ha! You shout again. What about all those men working at NASA! What about Bill Gates? He’s a man, and he runs the most successful business in the history of the world! He can’t be that simple!

Well, you see, people often mistake simplicity for stupidity. It is actually possible to be incredibly simple, but amazingly intelligent at the same time. Some of the most successful inventions in the world have been simple. Look at those plastic things on the end of your shoe-laces. Those were invented after the shoelace.

I think the best way to explain it is this:

Women are like ‘Google maps’. To get from point A to Point B, they take into account the territory, the inclines they’ll be driving up and down, what points of interest are on the way, where they can stop for lunch, the time of travel, what roads will be easier.

Men on the other hand are directions and an accurate sketch map on the back of a napkin. All we’re concerned with is what roads to take, and what turns we need.

In other words, we both get to the same place at the same time, you’ve just taken a lot more into account. Women go through life reading the book. Men just rent the video.

So when it comes to the ‘marking territory’ debate, women will look for reasons we do the things we do that fit into their world view.

Men just say “because we’re messy? So what! It’s only a cigarette packet!”

Of course, I could just be talking bollocks.


Miz S said...


And men ALSO like to do things the HARD way...

Instead of just letting me be EXTREMELY happy with my theory- that you were marking your territory and happy to be with me- you had to put it down to you just being lazy.

Why couldn't you just let me live in my little fantasy world?

Miz S said...

I mean- do you realize how MUCH you could have gotten by with by just leaving it??

Miz S said...

I mean-

Miz S said...

(HUGE SIGH)........