Wednesday, September 26, 2007

You Big Babies!

Looking through Yahoo news today, I saw the following headline:

Iran Leader Says Nuclear Issue Closed.

Great! I thought. A major problem solved.

Of course, it turned out it was yet more bullshit political posturing, with Iran saying their nuclear program was ‘closed as a political issue’.

What I read next had me shaking my head in disgust:

When Ahmadinejad was ushered to the podium, the U.S. delegation walked out, leaving only a low-ranking note-taker to listen to his speech…State Department spokesman Gonzalo Gallegos said the U.S. wanted "to send him a powerful message."

Great! Because, you know, that’s what I look for in a representative…someone who’ll not listen. Someone who’d rather play a game of ‘Who’s Got The Biggest Dick’ rather than try to solve the problem.

When I think of the powerful men sitting around tables, discussing and settling the big issues that effect world security, with their only concern being about what’s in the best interest of their people… that’s just what I picture:

“Close your nuclear program!”

“Will not!”

“Will too!”

“Will not!”

“Will too!”

“Will not!”

“LalalalalalaLALALALAL!!! Not LISTENING! Not listening, not listening…you big doody head!”

And exactly what powerful message is this sending to Iran? That America is arrogant as hell? That if you don’t do what we say we’ll go into a cold war followed by a hot one? That we’ve spent trillions on our military and we’re going to use it if it (literally) kills us?

Here’s a wacky idea? How about compromising? You know, getting around a table and coming to a solution that’s at least half-way satisfactory to everyone?

How about allowing Iran to continue their nuclear program along with the help and supervision of an international UN committee? I may be being over-simplistic here, but that way Iran would get the expertise it needs to construct nuclear plants for energy, with built in supervision to make sure they stick to energy generation and away from missiles.

I have no diplomatic training and I came up with that solution in five minutes…and you’re telling me that these highly trained, life-long, government-appointed diplomats are faced with the same situation and the best thing they can come up with is to walk out?

My solution might have huge flaws, but it’s better than putting your fingers in your ears.

As a kid, I remember watching news coverage of one of the peace talks between the British Parliament and the Irish at the height of the problems in Northern Ireland.

What happened was that both parties stamped to the talks, screaming defiance, sneering and smirking at the cameras. They didn’t look like government officials on their way to discuss an end to hostilities and a solution to the problem…they looked like a bunch of stupid, teenage school kids who’d just spotted kids from a rival school on their street.

They walked into the private meeting room...and stamped back out again 5 minutes later.

Great work guys! Nice to see you were so open minded and had your people’s best interests at heart! I mean, sure, British troops are still patrolling the streets of Northern Ireland, and shopping centers and hotels in England are still getting blown up every other week, but you showed those bastards, huh?

You’re so much better and so much more ‘right’ than them that you didn’t even have to listen to what the others had to say.

That’s the thing: Every time countries have a disagreement, it quickly devolves into two leaders having a ‘My dick’s bigger than yours’ competition… and who suffers?


The whole thing with this current situation is that Iran wants nukes to defend itself, but building one will pretty much guarantee an attack. If they go ahead and build nukes, they become a threat to America, so we want to stop them from building one.

In other words, we’ll fight a war, because if we don’t…a war might break out.

Basically, it’s like buying a gun and then telling your neighbor you’ll shoot them if they try to buy one, because if they have a gun, they might use it to shoot you. The dumbest thing is, you have absolutely no reason to fight…other than over the guns you bought to ‘make yourselves safer’.

The most ridiculous thing is if you asked your average American or Iranian if they want a war, 99.9% of them would obviously say no and would prefer to go on with their daily lives.

…but the problem is that just won’t happen because our leaders are currently arguing over who has the biggest dick.

So, as a message to all politicians:

The use of force does not make you a good leader. In fact, going to war means you’ve failed in your job utterly.

When people are dying, they don’t take comfort in the fact that their leaders were ‘too tough’ to negotiate.

Put your dick back in your pants, stop the schoolyard “My dad’s tougher than your dad” bollocks, then get your shit straight or resign.

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