Sunday, September 23, 2007

The Creation of a Sad, Lonely, Neglected Corner of the Net

From deep within someone's parent's basement:

Hmm, you know, everyone has a blog these days. Maybe I should write one, after all I don’t want to be the only person without one. The only way to be cool is to be just like everyone else.

Hey, this is your brain. This is a bad idea.

Ok, I’ve found a blogging site, what shall I call it?

This is still a bad idea.

Well, I want it to be awesome and fun, how about I call it ‘Awesomefun!’

That’s a terrible name.

Hmm, something’s not quite right. Oh! Of course, it should be 4w35umFUN! Leet speak automatically makes everyone think you’re sooo cool!

No, it makes you look like a douche.

Ok, all set up, now what shall I write about?

This should be good.

I know, I’ll write about how my teacher’s an ass! Everyone’ll think that’s awesome!

But no-one knows your teacher except that one friend you have. If you wanna bitch about your teacher, why not just talk to your friend? Do you honestly think that people will care that some random teenager doesn’t like his math-teacher? Hardly ground-breaking journalism!

Yeah! I’ll write about that time I didn’t do my homework, and my teacher gave me detention! I’ll call her a bitch, that’ll be sooo cool.

You can’t even hear me anymore can you?

Ok, here goes. (My teechr iz a bich Shes all wot r u doing ur supposed 2 b working)

Ugh, that actually hurts you know. I mean real, physical pain. If there was any justice in the world, you’ll be killed by a falling dictionary after tripping over ‘Grammar for Beginners’.

Actually, this typing stuff is hard! It takes ages! How come blogging is so popular if it’s so damn hard?

Because most people your age can form a coherent sentence with very little effort, and actually go outside once in a while to gather some experiences to write about. Oh, and they blog because they have something to say…not just because they want to ‘fit in’.

I know, cut and paste! I’ll do a post with this ‘lolcat’ image and copy this joke! Why hasn’t anyone else thought of this? All the blogging glory with absolutely no effort!

They have thought of it, you spunkerchief! That’s why over half the internet is just copies of the other half of the internet.

Awesome! I have a cool blog, the praise will just come pouring in now! It’s been up for at least 15 minutes, let’s see how many hits I have.

Wow, a whole 15 minutes? You’re patient, aren’t you? Trust me, dude, anyone lands here it’ll be an accident and they’ll leave immediately.

What? No hits! Maybe my design is to blame. Let’s (clickety) change the text color to pale yellow…and (clickety) change it to 10 point Comic Sans MS, and finally (clickety) change the background to a bright green and purple animated gif of millions tiny stickmen doing karate! That’s 4w35um with a capital four!

You know, if I had my own stomach, I’d have just thrown up looking at that. Oh, and your eyes are telling me that what you’re subjecting them to that is against the Geneva Convention. Oh, and there’s no such fucking thing as a ‘capital four’.

What? Half an hour and still no hits? I know (Clicks blogs at random)… (‘Hey, I reely luv ur site! U shud check out mine! It’s gr8!’) There, that should do it. People will be so flattered that I think their site is great, they won’t even notice I haven’t even read it!

This’ll end well. I guarantee it. Oh, and in case you can’t tell, I’m being sarcastic.

What? Still no hits. Ok (clickety) Digg (Clickety) Stumble (Clickety)…

Hey, have you ever thought of writing something worth reading? Having a design scheme that doesn’t look like a clown threw up in a balloon factory? Having some patience? Writing ‘LOL THIS IS FUNY’ on every bookmarking site you find isn’t going to get you readers.

Hey! A hit! They’ve left a comment as well! I’m awesome!

Yeah, because that’s why someone left a comment.

Let’s see… ‘Dear douchebag, stop spamming my comments. Your site looks like a clown threw up in a balloon factory. Get bent.’

Heheheh, I like that guy.

What the fuck! Fucking idiot! I’m gonna flame the hell out of him! Wait…why has my cool lolcats picture turned into a picture of a guy’s asshole?

Because you hotlinked the site you stole it from. People don’t like it when you steal their work and their bandwidth as well.

I’m gonna write that guy an email demanding he puts my lolcat picture back. I’ll threaten to sue him, that’ll scare the shit out of him.

Sigh, of all the heads I could’ve ended up in, I end up in yours.

This blogging shit sucks. I’m gonna put on 5 new lolcats pictures, and if that doesn’t work, I quit.

Way to stick at it there, junior.

This sucks! I quit! I am soo going on the message boards and calling all the bloggers fags!

Wow, the ‘blogging dream’ lasted a whole hour! Who’d have thought that creating something would take a little work?

1 comment:

OzzyC said...

An hour!?! That's one persistent +33n@g3r.