Dumbest Cat in the World.

As many people know, I love to cook.

Today, Sunny and I did something I've wanted to do for quite a long time, which is buy a planter, some potting soil and some herb seeds. (and no, not that kind of 'herb' you stoner dumbasses, pull your pants up, and believe me, I don't "totally have to listen to this song".)

Ahem.

Anyway, considering my gardening skills are right up there with my knowledge of fine wines of Estonia...I realized I didn't have enough space in the planter to sow all the seeds I'd bought.

So, after Sunny left for work, I found an over sized bowl that we don't use that would be perfect for planting the mint seeds I'd bought. Awesome.

So now you need a little background info on the kitty. Leonard (I changed his name from Spook to Leonard...don't ask me why, it just suits him) eats like he's never seen food before in his life. As soon as he hears the food bag rustle he charges, mewls like he's being eaten by a shark, and has his head in the bowl long before any food gets in there. This usually results in his wearing most of his food on the back of his head.

Can you tell where this is going yet?

Well, it's nearly midnight, so I'm not going outside to plant the seeds, so I go to the kitchen, which has a nice wipe-clean linoleum floor, put the bowl down and pick up the potting soil. Just as the bowl got about half filled, Leonard appears in the doorway, charges the bowl and starts munching before I know what's happening.

Let's just say I had no idea a cat's face could be so expressive. Let's take a look at the instant replay:

0.01 seconds : Face filled with triumph with a hint of "Ah-HA! You can't hide food from me, for I am the Mighty Leonard!!! Bow before me!!!"

0.52 seconds : His face changes from triumph to smug satisfaction.

1.24 seconds : Consternation, with overtones of "Put the bowl back on the floor, fucker, I'm eating that....Don't you know who I am?"

1.76 seconds : Eyes widen, and his face says "There's something not quite right here."

2.00 seconds : Realisation dawns, and he starts breakdancing.

4.7 seconds : He gives me a look that can only be summed up as: "You'll pay for this fucker, you'd better start checking your shoes."

7.3 seconds : he stalks off to his waterbowl...by this point, even the dog is snickering...it's not often Buddy gets to call someone dumb.

Moral of the Story : Don't be greedy, and cats are dumbasses.

More from the Bloody Stupid Files

I lost the link to the original story, but this was something I just had to share:

A rather naïve woman was tricked by a guy who told her he had to administer ‘ointment’ to her, using the tip of his penis.

She only realized that the guy was using this ‘treatment’ as a trick to have sex with her nine months later, when she told her doctor about the treatment. Apparently, the guy didn’t even pretend to be a gynecologist…but pretended to know one who gave ‘advice’ about the treatment.

Apparently, a clock next to the bed and the guy saying “Ok, the gynecologist told me to thrust slowly for the first 5 minutes, then fast for the next five.” Was all the convincing this woman needed.

Just to make things even worse, did I mention that this woman was a school-teacher? No wonder kids grades are so low.

Ok, ok, I know that this is rape and not really something to laugh at but how could anyone, especially a school teacher, be this stupid?

Ladies, if you meet a guy in an airport, and he tells you that you need a gynecological treatment, and that he’s going to do it by rubbing ointment on the end of his hoo-ha, and then putting it in you…how many of you are going think “Ok, that sounds reasonable”?

I could understand if this was a guy actually pretending to be a gynecologist, and just ‘applied the ointment’ using his fingers, while in an elaborately staged and decorated fake doctors office…but seriously, come on!

You see, if I was in charge, this would be a textbook case of the “Being Bloody Stupid Act of 2007”. The guy would go to jail for rape, but the woman would get at least a year’s community service on three counts of being bloody stupid.

Our second story from “The Bloody Stupid Files”:

This is a direct quote from a letter written to the Arkansas Democrat Gazette:

“You may have noticed that March of this year was particularly hot. As a matter of fact, I understand that it was the hottest march since the beginning of last century…This should come as no surprise to any reasonable person. As you know Daylight Savings Time started almost a month early this year. You would think that members of Congress would have considered the warming effect that an extra hour of daylight would have on our climate. Or did they?

Perhaps this is another plot by a liberal congress to make us believe that global warming is a real threat. Perhaps next time there should be serious studies performed before congress passes laws with such far reaching effects.”

Well, that would be fine if she realized that ‘any reasonable person’ understands that DST has absolutely no effect on how much sunlight reaches the planet. I’m sure the politicians wish they had the power to control the planet’s rotation speed and distance from the sun just by changing a few clocks, but they can’t. Oh, and maybe you should do some ‘serious studying’ of your third grade science text-book before you write smug, self-indulgent letters to the newspaper. Congratualtions on showing yourself up as a complete dumbass, dumbass!

Oh, and this woman is a frigging lawyer!

This would be the point at which Judge Paulius would send the Stupidity Enforcement Squad to her house, and she’d spend the next two years attending grade-school science class and writing “I must not be a smug dumbass” over and over.

Come on! A Lawyer who thinks DST actually effects how much sun hits the planet…and she actually gets to argue cases in court???

Cats Vs Dogs : History's Greatest Hoax?

Cats and Dogs hate each other, right? I mean, we have the sayings and everything. "Fighting like cat and dog" and all that.

When Spook first came into the house, Buddy charged him. The cat bowed up, scratched the hell out of my arms as I tried to hold him still, leapt spider-man like from my lap and tried to climb the wall before going splat behind the couch.

Then Buddy spent the rest of the day, staring at spook, making that insistent whine that in dog language means: "IWannaEatHimCanIEatHimLetMeEatHimPleasePleasePleasePleaseLemmeEatHimWannaWanna WannaEathim!!!!!."

The cat simply remained hidden, hissing at the dog, vampire like.

Since then, they barely tolerate each other. The cat enjoys sneaking up on the dog while he's asleep, giving him a 'helicopter slap' (That's that trick only cats have mastered, where they can pop something a few hundred times a second, making that distinctive whopwhopwhopwhop sound)...and then running like hell, usually getting the dog to try and follow him through a gap that only the cat can fit through (I've had to help the dog remove his head from so many pieces of furniture so many times in the past week, it's not funny)

Oh, and the dog appears to still want to eat the cat, but has settled for licking him all the time, in essence turning Spook into a reluctant Catsicle.

So you can imagine my surprise when I got up this morning and saw what you're seeing in the picture. It appears that the animals who barely tolerate each other under human supervision enjoy snuggling at night. As soon as they realised they where being watched, the cat ran like hell, the dog just looked embarrassed.

All day I've caught them whispering in corners. The jig is up, and they know it!

This has lead me to the only conclusion I can reach.

The whole Dog-Cat rivalry is only for our benefit. it's the biggest conspiracy/cover-up in history.

Now I just have to uncover the reason for this deception.

Keep a close eye on your pets, people....they're up to something.

Ways to Amuse Yourself #217

Know how spammers use those random word generators to try and bypass your spam filter?

Try writing a short story with the subject line as your title.

Latest favorite spam subject line : Drastic Cocoa Powder

The whirlwind adventures of a psychotic Grandma who drinks cocoa laced with crack in order to fight crime!

Just Because I Was Bored.

So I'm sitting in front of the TV when Sunny's pink corvette catches my eye. (I feel I should explain here, she got it from her Dad because he said he 'Would buy her a pink corvette when it was a cold day in July'...one cold July day later he bought her this model).

I don't like this car. I tend to anthropomorphise things, and its front grill makes it look angry. It's on the entertainment center next to the TV, and it always looks like it severely disagrees with my viewing choice.

Damn car, I don't car what it thinks...I'm watching the all-day Stargate SG-1 marathon whether it likes it or not!

Suddenly I had a flash of inspiration (and far too much time on my hands)...so I decided to turn Sunny's angry corvette into a cousin of Disney's 'Cars' much more lovable Lightning McQueen!

A little Photoshop magic later and...

Before


















After!



















There, isn't that much better? Now it looks like it enjoys Jack O'Neil's cynicism and Samantha Carter's 'Geek-yet-femenine-yet-tough' vibe as much as I do.

(In my own defense, the whole thing took me approximately three and a half minutes to make. Let's just say this is far from my best work. If I'd spent some time and energy on it it would look a lot better...but not bad for a 3 minute goof.)

Coming Soon! I turn a coffee maker into Optimus Prime's weakling half-brother! (A weakling but much better at producing tasty caffeinated beverages).

Jon Stewart For President!

Doing a little web-surfing, I stumbled across this.

It’s a list of the top-10 most awkward TV interviews ever. Yep, Tom Cruise going nuts, Paula Abdul on smack…they’re all here. A great way to waste twenty minutes of your day.

But that’s not really why I’m writing this post. I’m writing this because this list has an awesome clip of Jon Stewart on ‘Crossfire’. If I could meet any person in the world, it’d definitely be him. (Well, actually no, it’d be Spider-man, so let’s say he’s the number one non-fictional person I’d like to meet.)

What I like most about Jon Stewart is he’s sharp as a razor and witty as hell. If I ever found myself in a position where I had to debate against him, I’d just throw in the towel right away…because you just know he’d absolutely destroy you.

Watch the clip. I love the way that he’s faced with two ‘professional’ political pundits who try to give him a hard time, and he just goes right ahead and blows them out of the water effortlessly. I could be given his opponents questions and remarks a week in advance, and I still wouldn’t be able to come up with answers as good as the one’s Stewart just pulls out of thin air.

Favorite quote from the clip:

“You’re giving me a hard time for not asking [John Kerry]hard hitting questions? My show is preceded by puppets making prank phonecalls. You’re on CNN.”

Watch it, you won’t be disappointed.

[In other news I just realised that not only am I currently just one month away from 'Life, What The Hell Is Going On?'s second birthday, but that this is also my 500th post. Yay me!]

Late Night Hilarity

The other night, as usual, I sat at the computer playing around in Photoshop, listening to ‘Scrubs’ on the TV.

After it finished, it went into the usual parade of infomercials and commercials so bad that the makers of them can’t afford to have them on TV before 3am.

Then we came to my favorites. “Natural Male Enhancement”.

I love these ads for the following reasons:

1) They refuse to say “Penis”

Ok, it’s 3am, no kiddies are watching, and surely ‘penis’ is a technical biology term. I’m not expecting them to say “With just one capsule a day, you’ll end up with a monster COCK! I mean, I real fucking baby-seal clubber! You’ll be pole vaulting to work, knocking shit over with it all day, and truly you’ll be a legend. The ladies won’t just be impressed, they’ll be fucking terrified of the monster in your pants.”

But say penis? Why not? The guy’s meant to be a Doctor. He has a white coat and everything!

Instead they don’t refer to a penis at all (but Enzyte has those sublimely subtle ‘wood’ references)…they just say “male enhancement’ or, and I shit you not here, ‘that particular part of the male anatomy’. Usually with a knowing grin or a smirk.

Seriously, I’m supposed to trust this Doctor, who wants me to take a pill that will do things to my twig ‘n’ berries, but he can’t say ‘penis’ out of embarrassment, and blushes when he says “that certain part of the male anatomy”. You’re a Doctor! Not a 5 year old who finds the term penis hilarious.

Look, dude, if you’ve devoted your life to improving ‘America’s Sexual Health’, and can’t bring your self to say “penis” “wedding tackle” or “pee-pee”, you’ve chosen the wrong profession.

“This pill will make your penis bigger.” How hard is that to say?

On the other hand, maybe guys are just more comfortable buying a “Natural Male Enhancement” product (which could literally mean anything), instead of a “Small Pee-Pee Pill”.

2) They’re so unrealistic.

Enzyte Bob’s perma-grin and powerful golf-swing aside, the people who make these advertisements have obviously never been in a relationship. In one ad, the guy’s wife buys the ‘Natural Male Enhancement’ product and hands it to him at breakfast. The guy is ecstatic about this and just smiles away while he reads the brochure about everything this miracle pill can do.

“Wow, honey! Thanks! This will make everything better for both of us!”

Yeah, because that’s realistic. That’s really the way a guy reacts when his Missus basically says “Here, take these. Your dick is way too small, and so small in fact, that I’ve bought you medication out of desperation to try and fix it.”

Buy your husband a pill to make his cock bigger? Why don’t you just castrate him there and then, dress him in a frilly pink tutu, and make him dance around dusting the house with a peacock-feather duster while watching Oprah…and tape it so all his friends can have a good laugh?

She hands him the pills and he gets excited and smiles. He doesn’t smack her about the head, sulk for days and retort with something like “I’m not small, you’re just so loose it’s like chucking a sausage up an alleyway!”…now that would be much more realistic.

It’s about as realistic as a guy handing his wife a gym membership, and boob-job gift card, a plastic surgery brochure and telling her that, no, those pants don’t make her butt look big, her gigantic ass does…and her smiling and saying “Thank you!”

3) The Small Print.

Gotta love small print. ‘Dramatic enactment, your results will vary, this pill has not been evaluated by the FDA”

In other words: “We’re just making this shit up. What you’re getting is a capsule filled with chalk dust and some shit we found on the floor. It doesn’t have a petulant cat at a dog show’s chance of working, but we know you’ll buy it anyway because you’re so insecure. Ha ha! You’ve got a tiny Peeeeeeee-nis!”

4) The overwhelming sense of despair and low-self esteem you get from the actors.

Think about this for a second. These guys are going on TV and basically telling the world they have a tiny penis and can’t satisfy their significant other without medical help. Think about poor Bob. He has to go to the grocery store every day and have people say “Hey look, it’s that perma-grin guy! Oi! Smiley! Your dick gotten any bigger yet? Whip it out and show us!”

Even if Bob sweeps the board at the Olympics, invents a water-powered car that will do 0-60mph in under four seconds and cures cancer…he’ll always be “Enzyte Bob, the weird smiley guy with the small penis”.

5) Lies, lies and more lies.

Listen, we know these pills don’t work, because if you could take a pill and get a bigger “certain part of the male anatomy”, Enzyte and Extenze would be as popular as Viagra and be making millions. It wouldn’t be advertised on a backwater channel at 3am.

We also know that the guy talking to us is not a real Doctor. Anyone can buy a white coat and sling a stethoscope around their necks. I’m Paulius MD! Buy my special natural male enhancement product and you’re guaranteed to grow 18 inches in the Joy Department overnight! See, not hard. (no Pun intended).

The real truth is you can sell anything on TV, and you can make all the outrageous claims you like. As long as you put ‘dramatic enactment’ in the small print, you’re good to go. That’s why people think you can lose 100lbs in a week without dieting or exercising, think flashing an LED light at your arm will cure carpal tunnel syndrome…and that taking a pill will turn your pecker into a legend.

Completely off topic here, but the other thing that drives me nuts is the infomercial products that compare themselves to another product to show how cheap they are. Like that fucking voice recorder that you can get two of for ‘$15 plus shipping and handling’, and they say “Other voice recorders can cost upwards of $100! Look what a great deal you’re getting!”…Yes, that’s because the hundred dollar model has 50 hours recording time, USB support, a filing system and great voice quality…and isn’t a 10 year old sound chip taken from a singing birthday card, put into 3 cents worth of vacuum-formed plastic by a 5 year old working for 6 cents a week in a sweatshop.

Buy this wheelbarrow with a lawnmower engine duct-taped to it for just $100! Other cars can cost upwards of $150,000!

…and just because Estaban’s guitar looks like the $800 guitar doesn’t mean it’s nearly as well made or as high quality.

I think you can all join me in saying: ‘Infomercial makers…you’re all douche bags.”

How Ironic...

Earlier this evening I was sitting in front of my TV, and I saw one of those “Over the Influence” anti-drug ads.

This one was a very bad animation, that looked like a 4 year old have drawn it (I’m not saying that is necessarily a bad thing, it was obviously a design choice). Here’s what happens in the ad:

A guy and a girl are sitting on a bench in a park, and an arrow points to something in the guys hand and the word “weed” appears above it. The girl gets a speech bubble that says “Not again!”

Then, in the background, a flying saucer lands, and an alien walks up to the couple. The guy offers the alien some weed, and the alien gets a speech bubble that says “No thanks.”

Love hearts appear around the girls head, and they walk off together.

Then the scene shifts to show the girl and the alien flying along in his flying saucer, looking ecstatically happy.

So kids, the moral of the story is clear: If you smoke weed, your girlfriend will leave you for an alien in a flying saucer.

In all seriousness, I’m all for keeping kids off drugs, but is an advertisement, that makes you wonder what the hell the writer was on, the best way to go about it?

Note to anti-drug organizations : The best time to write an anti-drug ad is not when you’ve just dropped a shitload of acid.

Where's My Flying Car, Dammit!

It’s nearly 2007, a very “Buck Rogers” Sounding year to be sure.

I mean, think of all the shows that came out in the 60’s and 70’s. Space 1999, etc. Every show had the year 2000 (or round about there) as the magic year for amazing technology.

I’ll never forget watching an episode of Star Trek, only to hear Kirk exclaim:

“That’s one of the first generation, interstellar colony ships! They haven’t been in service since 1999!”

In short, back in the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s, we thought we’d be living in a technological wonderland.

Well, a lot of this is the fact that as soon as a new technology arrives, it becomes common place and taken for granted. (For example, with a laptop and a wireless card, you can run a video conference from pretty much anywhere in the world…if someone had told you that you could have a video chat to someone anywhere else in the world from your car back in the 80’s, you’d have laughed at them).

On the other hand, I can’ help but feel a little cheated. There’s plenty of stuff we should have now, but don’t…and because of this, I give you:

Inventions we Should have By Now, But Don’t

1) Flying Cars

I mean, seriously, flying cars have been in Sci-Fi shows for decades, those lazy bastard scientists know we want them, but they’re too busy wasting time on frivolous things like curing diseases instead of making my 1989 Ford Aspire fly.

Guys, you have until 2010, if I don’t have at least a star-wars style speeder bike by then (Preferably with blasters), I’m gonna come to your house and ruin your shit.

2) Artifically intelligent talking computers

Why, oh why am I wasting my valuable time typing? Why aren’t I dictating this blog to a computer with a sexy female voice, that warbles, boops and beeps instead of making the grinding Hard-drive sound and the microwave-oven like sound of three cooling fans running at full speed.

3) Voice operated everything.

I want to walk into the room and say “Lights” to turn the lights on, tell the TV what channel I want to watch, and have my door welcome me home, give me a list of visitors that have called in my absence before my recliner detects my unique ass-print and molds to me perfectly.

4) Email Pie

We have delivery, Direct to Drive computer software. Why the hell can’t I have pie emailed to me? Why can’t I go to emailpie.com, click a button, and have a door on the front of my computer that opens, to reveal a slice of delicious, delicious pie?

5) Stupid Filters

Know when someone walks up to you, and starts talking and just won’t go away? Know when no matter how non-commital you get, answer in monosyllables and grunts, but they just keep talking about their cat’s eating habits, or how politicians are really saucer people?

Well, I want a implant with patented ‘Stupidity and Bullshit Detection” software, that upon detection of bullshit, literally tunes it out and plays you music or an ebook of your choice (With a low ‘ping’ sound to prompt you to nod or say “uh-huh” when you need to respond).

6) Cordless Shower Heads

Ok, it completely disobeys the laws of physics, but it’s almost 2007 people! We break laws all the time! What’s so special about the laws of physics? (The arrogant, self-righteous bastards).

A shower head with no cord. That’d be AWESOME.

7) Glasses with a fighter-plane style Hud and night vision

Pretty self explanatory. Why? Because it would be PIMP! That’s why!

Ok people, that’s what I wanna see in 2007

How bout you?

Urgent Press Release

In a shocking press release today, an industry insider leaked out what many computer users have know to be true for a long time.

The existence of the fabled (and long denied) ‘FU Chip’ that resides in all consumer grade printers.

“Well, me and the boys, after completely screwing the printer consuming public on ridiculously over-priced ink, decided to try another way to stick it to our customers.” Said Reginald P. Sackslapper, a Lexmark employee. “We came up with the FU chip as a joke, but it very quickly became a standard component.

So what does the FU chip do?

Using highly advanced technology, satellites and computer monkeys, the chip monitors the output of the printer and adjusts performance accordingly.

“So, if the user is printing a joke from the internet, a digital photograph of a particularly impressive poo or something inconsequential, the printer will work fabulously.” Said Sackslapper. “However, if it detects that something in the printer queue is important, especially if it is time sensitive, or urgent, it will completely crap out…or as well like to say in printer-lingo…’throw a major fucking wobbly, chuck its toys out of the pram and come into your house on Christmas Morning and piss on your kids’.”

So, as an example of this technology if, say, an immigrant to America from England decides to waste paper and printer ink by printing his SL store’s logo just because he thinks it’s pretty cool looking, he will encounter no problems whatsoever.

On the other hand, if he has an interview at a staffing agency at 9:30, and tries to print out his resume at 7am, the printer will completely fail to respond and won’t work until he’s uninstalled all the drivers, re-installed them and disconnected and connected the printer multiple times.

When our reporter asked Mr. Sackslapper why the printer industry enjoys inconveniencing their customers so much, he gave the following statement:

“Why? Why? Fuck ‘em! That’s why!”

(At the time of writing, printer ink is one of the most expensive liquids in the world. If ink was gasoline, it would cost $175,000 to fill your tank.)

I Hear ALL!!!

This story, I just have to relay because it cracked me up. Chances are it’s one of those “You had to be there” stories, but who cares? This is my blog, and I can write what I want!

First, the back story.

The vendor in my SL store has a report function. In other words, if I’m online, the second someone buys something I get a notification of who bought what, how much they paid and which location they bought it from.

Now being the simply fantastic guy I am, I often check my sales list and either completely refund money that came from friends, or at least return half of it. (It’s not a strict policy, it depends on if I’m online or not, or can be bothered trawling through my sales reports).

Well, Misty is often online at the same time I am, so I usually get notification when she’s bought something right away. So from her point of view, she buys an item and then suddenly finds I pay her either the whole amount or half back.

This is where things get interesting.

For Misty, this had led to the belief that I am somehow omnipresent, at least within the confines of my store. The rumor has spread that nothing can happen in my stores without me being instantly aware of it.

How does he know what I’ve bought? How can he pay back the money so fast? How does he know?

Now while it’s true that SL is home to some extremely nasty and simply devious listening devices, it’s also they’re against the SL Terms of Service. If you record someone’s conversation without their knowledge, it’s a bannable offense.

In other words, while I’d love to eavesdrop and listen to what people are saying about my outfits…I don’t want to get banned from SL to do it.

So let me put that rumor to rest right now. If you’re in my store, I only know if you buy something. Nothing else.

Now for the actual story:

So yesterday morning, I log in early because I had some maintenance to do. Within seconds, I get an IM from Bridget…

Let me describe Bridget. You may know her as “Enigma” from her blog. She’s one of those funny, irreverent people, but I wouldn’t actually describe her as ‘silly’.

So I was surprised when I got her IM.

(This isn’t verbatim, but as close as I can remember)

Bridget : ROFL, Did you just log in for any particular reason?

Paulius : Huh? I’m just on for a few minutes, need to update my server.

Bridget : Oh, ok *giggle*

Sunny was sitting next to me, and said what I was thinking. “What’s going on with Bridget?” Why was my simple act of logging in funny?…and did she just giggle?

Paulius : Have you been drinking?

An obvious question I thought.

Bridget : LOL, no. (more giggles, rofl’s and lmao’s)

Apparently, she’d bought into the omnipresence theory. She finally cut and pasted what she’d said upon entering my store

Bridget : Kicks the big grey vendor thing because it won’t load fast enough.

Bridget : “Sigh, guess I’ll come back later”

Bridget : Looks around

Bridget : Picks her underwear out of her ass, and looks around again.

Bridget : “Did ya see that, Paulius? Did ya see that, huh?!?!”

Apparently, I logged in mere moments later.

Well, I thought it was funny. It was a slow news day.

On the upside, an SL typo led me to accidentally coin the word “Buttloaf”, which is my new favorite insult word ever. As in:

“Shut it, Buttloaf.”

The Man in A Salon Effect

Well, if you’ve read my last post, you’ll know that I escaped the “pith” or “nightmare” of old ladies, depending on your definition…and I promised to tell you what happened next.

Well, Sunny decided that she needed her eyebrows waxed. (That’s something I’ll never understand, my wife will gladly pay to have hot wax poured on her face and her eyebrows pulled out by the root…but actually faints at the mere sight of a needle).

So, being a good husband, I rode to the salon with her, instead of having her drop me off at home.

Now I felt what all men feel when stepping into the estrogen ocean that is a beauty salon…fear. It’s like being Jewish and suddenly finding yourself at Nazi party headquarters during WW2. You know you just…don’t…belong.

So we walked in, me in my patented Ninja Stance for when the Salon Denizens attempt to tear gas me and sacrifice me to the Revlon God.

“Hello!” Said one of the hairdressers (pardon me…stylists) and suddenly started talking to Sunny about things that I have no idea how she knew about. (They sneak into my house at night and take notes…I know it….The almighty Revlon gets hungry).

I also got a cursory smile and a “hello”.

You see, at this point, I was a ‘Female Accompanied Male’, not unheard of in the Salon Cult, although frowned upon by all concerned.

Then, Sunny went into the back room with one of her ‘stylists’ (pardon me, Paid Torturer).

A strange thing happened. I took a seat near the front, and another stylist walked in, and looked right through me. She didn’t even acknowledge my presence.

A second stylist walked past without a second (or even a first) glance in my direction.

It was odd. Usually people in the South are very friendly. I didn’t even get acknowledged.

Then, two more customers walked in…and I realized what was going on.

You see, I was sitting near the door. The first customer walked in, glanced at me, and there was a moment of shock in her eyes…before they glazed over and sort of ‘slid’ away.

What we had here was a case of forced perceptual cropping.

I was an Unattended Male™ in a Beauty Salon.

It was said that when Captain Cook’s ship anchored off the coast of Australia, the Aborigines couldn’t actually see it. His ship simply didn’t exist in their view of the world. They couldn’t comprehend that such a thing could exist…so to them, it didn’t.

(For completeness, apparently a local medicine man noticed that the waves where breaking differently as they hit the boat. He stared for a day until he finally saw the ship. When he announced its presence to the rest of his people, they could finally see it).

I was experiencing the same thing. An Unattended Male™ in a Beauty Salon simply can’t happen…so the customers and staff couldn’t actually see me.

At the front of the Salon they had all kinds of crap for sale, including 8-ball keychains. I took two off them and held them up to my ears like earrings.

Not a single comment.

I coughed loudly and suddenly, and no one looked up.

I was invisible.

I considered dancing a jig around the room, or covering my entire head with styling mousse. For a brief moment I considered making myself a fort out of the waiting room chairs, fashioning a crude bow from hairclips and scrunchies, and declaring war on the old lady getting a perm in chair three.

Unfortunately, just as I was finishing up my head-dress (feathers made from trashy romance novels and wig catalogues), Sunny made her entrance, the skin around her eyebrows so red, she looked like she was wearing war-paint.

The spell was broken. I was again a “Female Accompanied Male™’, and therefore plainly visible to the rest of the Salon denizens. I hastily dropped the plastic head I’d just scalped, and said:

“Ready to go, sweetie?”

(Warning, the above story may contain some slight exaggerations…you have been warned).

Stoopid Dog.

I have a question.

Is it possible for animals to be retarded? I mean, with lots of different animals you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference…but is it possible for an animal to be as thick as a submarine door, dumb as a bag of hammers and a couple sandwiches short of a picnic?

Ladies and Gentlemen? I give you my dog, Buddy:

Buddy is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, wrapped in an enigma (Who coincidentally smells quite a bit like old carpet).

He is capable of acts of extreme intelligence, but is more commonly known for his acts of downright outrageous stupidity.

For example, like Jake, my uber-intelligent dog who still lives with my parents in England, when you tell him to do something, he will check your hands for treats. If there’s not something tasty waiting for him at the end, he ain’t going to the trouble.

On the other hand, he’s the only dog I’ve ever met who can’t grasp the concept of “Fetch”. I mean, he’ll actually chase whatever you throw, but after he races towards it at break-neck speed…he’ll just stand there and look at it. Then he’ll trot back with a look on his face like “That was cool, dude! Throw something else!”

Either that, or he’ll look hurt that you threw his favorite ball away.

Put it this way, he was once enticed by the delicious smells coming from the oven. He got so close trying to locate the delicious emanations he burnt his nose.

Ever heard the expression “Once bitten, twice shy.”?

Neither has Buddy. He not only did exactly the same thing again, he did it three times before he understood the concept “Oven is hot, hot hurts, do not puch nose against the over door.”

Well today, I want to relay a ‘Buddy Story’ that just happened. It involves both his intelligence and his sheer stupidity.

Now Buddy knows he’s not allowed in the kitchen while we’re cooking, which he understands as “No one is allowed in the kitchen while cooking, except under his direct supervision.”

If you spot him in there, he’ll turn his back to you. I think he thinks that if he can’t see you, you can’t see him.

He also knows he’s not allowed to bed for food while people are eating.

He has, however, discovered a loophole in that directive. If something touches the floor, it instantly becomes fair game. (He has in the past “accidentally” knocked food from the table for just this purpose).

Well, today, I was hungry, but wanted something simple. I decided to have a boiled egg.

Now, when you’re cooking in the kitchen, Buddy instantly enters “Sam Fisher” mode. He gets all stealthy.

This means he gets under your feet as much as possible. If you shout at him, he’ll cock his head to one side like: “Dude? Why are you shouting at the cat? He’s not even in here!”…and if pressed will turn his back on you, which from his point of view, makes him as invisible as Harry Potter in the girls’ changing room.

Well, this was the position he was in as I was trying to walk back through to the living room.

Then the egg fell off my plate.

I swear he could hear it falling, because he’d whirled around before it had hit the floor.

Remember how I said he’d discovered the ‘begging loophole’?

Well, he also knows that this isn’t an entirely legal move. So he tries to eat whatever’s been dropped as soon as possible.

In the blink of an eye, he’s scooped up the egg as fast as “The Flash” with diarrhea.

Then his face changed.

It can only be described as the retarded dog version of “Uh-oh”.

Not only was the egg directly from the boiling water…it still had it’s shell. Who knew that something’s are even unpalatable to retarded dogs?

I could see his dilemma.

Not only was the egg burning the crap out of his mouth, he also had a mouthful of eggshell. On the other hand, it was contraband food, a delicacy so rare, that it simply can’t be discarded without careful thought…something that Buddy is incapable of.

So after attempting to chew for another 15 seconds, he finally gave up, dropped what was left on the floor, and ran to get some cold water.

…from the toilet.

The final kicker? I went to get something to clear up the mashed egg-shelly mess from the floor.

When I returned…he’d finished it.

Dumbass.

Nurse! I Need EarPlugs, STAT!

Ok, something else from the wonderous interweb that I just had to share.

Here's the back story:

This guy is a music major at a Christian College, and this is his audition tape for a scholarship program. He hoped this tape would win him a scholarship.

Now, I gotta say, this just has to be heard to be beleived. You know those terrible auditions on "American Idol"? Well, this guy makes them sound like legendary stars.

Listen to it all the way through. At first, I thought "Cheesy Karaoke, but not absolutely terrible."

Then I heard him trying to hit the high notes.

So enjoy, no matter how tone deaf you are, this guy will make you beleive you can sing.




Worst...Singer...Ever

"Oh Yeah?"

Everyone has that one story.

I call it the conversation stop-starter, because no matter what the topic of conversation, everyone instantly shuts up, then just has to ask for the details.

It’s the ultimate in one-upmanship. Someone tells you their outrageous story, and you turn to them, and say “Oh yeah? Well, I once did this…”

So, today, I’m issuing a challenge to all my blogger buddies out there (You know who you are). I want to hear your outrageous ‘conversation stop-starter’ stories. I can’t offer a prize or anything, but the winner gets bragging rights.

As an example of what I mean, I’ll tell you mine.

Ok, imagine we’re at a dinner party. Someone’s just told their wacky tale of the time they got stuck on the side of a mountain with a goat named Pedro. With the manner of someone laying down an ace, I look at them and say:

“Oh yeah? Well, once, I got pissed on by an Albino Tiger.”

(See what I mean? You just have to know the details…and getting pissed on by a tiger is interesting enough, but the fact it was an albino tiger pushes it right over the edge.)

Ok, here’s the actual story.

During my first visit to the USA, Sunny took me to the Greenville Zoo. I was starting to get bored. It was almost 100 degrees and most of the animals where either hiding or sleeping.

So I walked up to the tiger cage. The notice said that this was a very special tiger, as it was a rare Albino from somewhere I can’t remember.

The cage consisted of a chain-link fence, with a chest high fence about 5 feet away from that.

The tiger was sleeping, like most of the other animals.

However, as I walked up to the fence, the tiger lifted it’s head, looked around as though it was extremely bored…but then it looked at me, and it’s eyes just locked with mine. (As an aside, when a gigantic tiger is staring you down, that cage starts to look awfully flimsy.)

It stood up and started pacing it’s cage, never breaking eye contact with me. It started to edge closer and closer to the front of the cage, until it stood, less than 5 feet away from me…just staring.

I started to fumble for my camera, as it was a great shot.

It was at this point, as I raised my camera, that the tiger turned its back on me, started to walk away…before suddenly backing up and covering me with a fine spray of urine.

Ok, I know this story might be a little disappointing after the build up, with it happening in a zoo and all…but honestly, how many people can say they’ve been pissed on by a rare albino tiger?

I look forward to reading all your stories.

A Missed Opportunity?

Today I decided to design a new outfit for my SL store.

Now this usually involves a lot of switching backwards and forwards between avatars. I upload certain textures under my male avatar (So my ‘real’ SL name is listed as the owner), send that to my female avatar, then switch to her to actually create the damn clothes.

Then something weird happened.

I logged out of my female character, then logged back in as my male character. I went to send my female character something…and it still had her listed as ‘online’.

That’s impossible.

Only one person has the password for that character, and that’s me. I’d just logged out of that identity mere moments ago.

So I did what anyone would have done. Put it down to a glitch.

Sure enough, it let me log back in moments later under the female character…no-one had hijacked it.

Then I started to think…Did I just miss a once in a lifetime opportunity?

What if there had been some rip in the time space continuum, meaning that at that precise moment, I was online both as my female character AND my male character? What if I could send myself a message, back through time itself, to five minutes ago…and tell myself all about the future?

Sure, I’d only logged in as my female character 5 minutes ago, and I couldn’t tell myself any earth-shattering revelations.

But it would have been long enough to say:

“In about a minute’s time, you’re going to try to pick up your drink. Not only is the glass not nearly as full as you think, but Sunny brought it to you in a plastic glass rather than a real glass.

So when you pick it up, don’t use the amount of lifting force you think you’ll need for a heavy, full glass…because it’s much lighter than that, and you’ll throw it all over yourself.”

Moral of the Story:

When faced with a rip in the time-space continuum, make sure you use it, and don’t throw red Kool-Aid all over yourself.

Well THAT makes sense...

Flicking through the TV today, I came across a Quizno's ad.

Your usual advertisment stuff, showing you a sandwich that looks absolutely nothing like the sandwich you get at the restaurant.

Finally, at the end of the ad, the voice-over guy (The one who always describes things like sandwiches or wiper blades like you or I would describe a cure for cancer) says:

"...and if you're not 100% satisfied, we'll give you a free sub!"

Now is it just me, or does that make no sense whatsoever?

You buy a sandwich, it tastes like ass, so you make up for it they give you a second 'Ass Sandwich' free of charge?

"This sandwich tastes like donkey balls."
"Oh, I'm sorry you don't like it sir. Would you like another free of charge?"
"But it tastes like donkey balls."
"I know, sir, that's why I'm offering you another one for free."
"But if I can't eat the first one, why would I want a second?"
"Because it's free."
"So why can't I just have my money back?"
"We don't do refunds."
"But you're offering me a second ass-sandwich for free, so by returning my money you'll be out by exactly the same amount you would be for a refund."
"But this way, you get two sandwiches!"
"BUT THEY TASTE LIKE DONKEY BALLS!"

Repeat ad nauseum

Because We've All Been There...

A Businessman is walking through a strange city, totally lost. Finally, he stops someone and asks for help.

"Excuse me," asks the Businessman, "can you tell me where I am?"

"On a sidewalk." Replies the stranger.

"Ah, you must work in IT."

"That's right, how did you know?"

"What you've told me is technically correct, but gives me no new information and is absolutely no use to anyone."

The stranger thinks for a moment, before replying "Well, you must be in management."

"How did you know?" Asks the Businessman.

"Because you have no idea where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to help. You're also in exactly the same situation you where before we met, only know it's all my fault."

Be Careful What You Wish For...

A husband and wife where home alone together, when suddenly the wife put down her copy of ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’.

“This book is so true!” She said. “You men always assume that we want you to fix all our problems for us, when all we really want is for you to give us a hug and tell us everything will be okay.”

The next morning, the wife woke up to discover her car had a flat tire and appeared to be leaking oil. She told her husband.

He gave her a big hug, told her everything would be okay and left for work.