Thursday, March 22, 2007

Late Night Hilarity

The other night, as usual, I sat at the computer playing around in Photoshop, listening to ‘Scrubs’ on the TV.

After it finished, it went into the usual parade of infomercials and commercials so bad that the makers of them can’t afford to have them on TV before 3am.

Then we came to my favorites. “Natural Male Enhancement”.

I love these ads for the following reasons:

1) They refuse to say “Penis”

Ok, it’s 3am, no kiddies are watching, and surely ‘penis’ is a technical biology term. I’m not expecting them to say “With just one capsule a day, you’ll end up with a monster COCK! I mean, I real fucking baby-seal clubber! You’ll be pole vaulting to work, knocking shit over with it all day, and truly you’ll be a legend. The ladies won’t just be impressed, they’ll be fucking terrified of the monster in your pants.”

But say penis? Why not? The guy’s meant to be a Doctor. He has a white coat and everything!

Instead they don’t refer to a penis at all (but Enzyte has those sublimely subtle ‘wood’ references)…they just say “male enhancement’ or, and I shit you not here, ‘that particular part of the male anatomy’. Usually with a knowing grin or a smirk.

Seriously, I’m supposed to trust this Doctor, who wants me to take a pill that will do things to my twig ‘n’ berries, but he can’t say ‘penis’ out of embarrassment, and blushes when he says “that certain part of the male anatomy”. You’re a Doctor! Not a 5 year old who finds the term penis hilarious.

Look, dude, if you’ve devoted your life to improving ‘America’s Sexual Health’, and can’t bring your self to say “penis” “wedding tackle” or “pee-pee”, you’ve chosen the wrong profession.

“This pill will make your penis bigger.” How hard is that to say?

On the other hand, maybe guys are just more comfortable buying a “Natural Male Enhancement” product (which could literally mean anything), instead of a “Small Pee-Pee Pill”.

2) They’re so unrealistic.

Enzyte Bob’s perma-grin and powerful golf-swing aside, the people who make these advertisements have obviously never been in a relationship. In one ad, the guy’s wife buys the ‘Natural Male Enhancement’ product and hands it to him at breakfast. The guy is ecstatic about this and just smiles away while he reads the brochure about everything this miracle pill can do.

“Wow, honey! Thanks! This will make everything better for both of us!”

Yeah, because that’s realistic. That’s really the way a guy reacts when his Missus basically says “Here, take these. Your dick is way too small, and so small in fact, that I’ve bought you medication out of desperation to try and fix it.”

Buy your husband a pill to make his cock bigger? Why don’t you just castrate him there and then, dress him in a frilly pink tutu, and make him dance around dusting the house with a peacock-feather duster while watching Oprah…and tape it so all his friends can have a good laugh?

She hands him the pills and he gets excited and smiles. He doesn’t smack her about the head, sulk for days and retort with something like “I’m not small, you’re just so loose it’s like chucking a sausage up an alleyway!”…now that would be much more realistic.

It’s about as realistic as a guy handing his wife a gym membership, and boob-job gift card, a plastic surgery brochure and telling her that, no, those pants don’t make her butt look big, her gigantic ass does…and her smiling and saying “Thank you!”

3) The Small Print.

Gotta love small print. ‘Dramatic enactment, your results will vary, this pill has not been evaluated by the FDA”

In other words: “We’re just making this shit up. What you’re getting is a capsule filled with chalk dust and some shit we found on the floor. It doesn’t have a petulant cat at a dog show’s chance of working, but we know you’ll buy it anyway because you’re so insecure. Ha ha! You’ve got a tiny Peeeeeeee-nis!”

4) The overwhelming sense of despair and low-self esteem you get from the actors.

Think about this for a second. These guys are going on TV and basically telling the world they have a tiny penis and can’t satisfy their significant other without medical help. Think about poor Bob. He has to go to the grocery store every day and have people say “Hey look, it’s that perma-grin guy! Oi! Smiley! Your dick gotten any bigger yet? Whip it out and show us!”

Even if Bob sweeps the board at the Olympics, invents a water-powered car that will do 0-60mph in under four seconds and cures cancer…he’ll always be “Enzyte Bob, the weird smiley guy with the small penis”.

5) Lies, lies and more lies.

Listen, we know these pills don’t work, because if you could take a pill and get a bigger “certain part of the male anatomy”, Enzyte and Extenze would be as popular as Viagra and be making millions. It wouldn’t be advertised on a backwater channel at 3am.

We also know that the guy talking to us is not a real Doctor. Anyone can buy a white coat and sling a stethoscope around their necks. I’m Paulius MD! Buy my special natural male enhancement product and you’re guaranteed to grow 18 inches in the Joy Department overnight! See, not hard. (no Pun intended).

The real truth is you can sell anything on TV, and you can make all the outrageous claims you like. As long as you put ‘dramatic enactment’ in the small print, you’re good to go. That’s why people think you can lose 100lbs in a week without dieting or exercising, think flashing an LED light at your arm will cure carpal tunnel syndrome…and that taking a pill will turn your pecker into a legend.

Completely off topic here, but the other thing that drives me nuts is the infomercial products that compare themselves to another product to show how cheap they are. Like that fucking voice recorder that you can get two of for ‘$15 plus shipping and handling’, and they say “Other voice recorders can cost upwards of $100! Look what a great deal you’re getting!”…Yes, that’s because the hundred dollar model has 50 hours recording time, USB support, a filing system and great voice quality…and isn’t a 10 year old sound chip taken from a singing birthday card, put into 3 cents worth of vacuum-formed plastic by a 5 year old working for 6 cents a week in a sweatshop.

Buy this wheelbarrow with a lawnmower engine duct-taped to it for just $100! Other cars can cost upwards of $150,000!

…and just because Estaban’s guitar looks like the $800 guitar doesn’t mean it’s nearly as well made or as high quality.

I think you can all join me in saying: ‘Infomercial makers…you’re all douche bags.”


OzzyC said...

We all know my thoughts on Enzyte, but I really do get a kick out of the commercials. I think they're using vague references for a couple of reasons. If they say "natural male enhancement" it's a vague term that could mean anything... so it's easier to get away with ripping folks off. If they say "It'll make your John Thomas enormous," then they've got a bigger burden of proof when they're sued.

Aside from that, the wry references are truly amusing to guys like me, and they're "non-threatening" to the insecure men who are Enzyte's target audience.

manda said...

Well, I do like the magic bullet info mercial! And the Ab lounge omg, I want the ab lounge ahahahah

Saffyre said...

omg, my face actually hurts from lauging so much!

manda said...

i saw
an infomercial for
ExtenZe the other night, and i definitely thought of you.. hahahahahaha

or rather, this post!