Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Campaign time

So today, I got a campaign flyer in the mail from some dude called Joe Grimaud that stated seven reasons we should send him to Congress.

It's one of the most unintentionally hilarious documents I've ever read. Let's go through the reasons why people in SC should vote for him:

  1. Joe Grimaud is a businessman, not a politician : Her will be part of a new crop of 'citizen congressmen' dedicated to taking America back from the career politicians who are leading us in the wrong direction.

So let me get this straight. This guy is trying to sell his total lack of political experience as a positive. Apparently, the fact he has zero political experience makes him better suited for politics than people who have been in politics for decades.

  1. He has the military experience we need in Congress : Joe Grimaud is a decorated pilot who flew 100 missions in Vietnam. He retired as a Major after twenty years of distinguished service to our country…America is now in a war to defend our homeland from terrorists who want to destroy us. Now, more than ever, we need congressmen with battlefield experience.

Ok, I have nothing but respect for veterans, but as a veteran, he should know that you can't have a 'war on terror'. Fighting a war and combating a minority of religious extremists are two completely different things. Plus, more people were killed in car accidents today than were killed on 9/11. Terrorism is about giving people an exaggerated sense of danger…which is exactly what Joe Grimmaud is doing to get elected. Technically, by invoking terrorism for his own ends, he's using terrorist tactics himself.

  1. Washington is broken. Joe Grimaud will help fix it : he has no interest in a political career and won't accept one…Joe is committed to serving no more than three terms to fox our nations problems, then returning home to let others serve.

I'm getting mixed messages here Joe. I'm reading your campaign flyer explaining why you should be sent to Congress, and you're claiming you don't want a political career? That's some crazy doublethink you've got going there. You know people don't trust politicians, so you're claiming you don't want to be a politician in order to become a politician. Oh, and don't you think it's just a wee bit arrogant to claim you can fix all the nation's problems in three terms (and that you'll be elected for a second and third term)?

  1. On the issues, Grimaud thinks like us : Joe supports lower taxes and less government…He is solidly pro-life…he opposes government run health care and wants to start over with a common-sense plan.

What? A politician up for election claiming he'll lower taxes? Never heard that before. Secondly, Joe, you're not thinking like me, in fact you're thinking almost the exact opposite. Firstly, I'm not pro-life, I'm not pro-choice either…I'm solidly Pro 'This is none of my goddamn business'. Personally, I think abortion is between the pregnant female and her doctor. What I, or anybody else, thinks doesn't come into it.

Secondly, I'm all for socialized healthcare…but my main objection is the idea that you think you, a potential freshman congressman, can 'start over' with any new plan. When the President of the United Fucking States can't get support for his own common sense bill, what chance do you have?

Basically, Joe…I enjoyed your flyer, simply because it's the greatest exercise in double-think and pandering I've ever read. You're telling people what you think they want to hear, while claiming totally irrelevant facts make you qualified.

You claim you're a normal guy and not a politician…but let me be clear: You are absolutely a politician.

1 comment:

aimese said...

awsome