You Do Realize People Die Doing This, Right?

According to the reactions I've been getting, I get the feeling that the vast majority of you see me getting my learner's permit as something to celebrate. This, my friends, is where our opinions part ways.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm glad I've got it…but only because I need it. I'm happy about getting my permit in the same way I would be happy if someone gave me a spear to defend myself with in a lion-infested jungle. I'm glad I have it. I'd rather have it than not have it. However, I'd much prefer to be in a situation where I didn't need it.

You see, I absolutely despise driving and I think I know why:

Driving is so commonplace and such a necessity in our society that we approach it in a very matter-of-fact, blasé way. It's normal, we do it every day. Hell, it's comfortable. In fact, it's so comfortable that plenty of people feel perfectly relaxed doing 80mph down the freeway while talking on a cellphone with one hand and doing their makeup with the other.

It's understandable. It's for this same reason that you see those construction guys working up on the high steel, striding across a beam thirty stories up while showing all the fear of a guy strolling around his own garden.

I'm convinced that most human beings are born with a device in our heads that lets us shut out the reality of certain situations when that situation is adequately familiar. The average person would just freak the fuck out if they had to walk across a foot-wide beam a few hundred feet up, but the construction guys have got used to it and aren't scared. It's the same with driving.

I'm also convinced I was born without this device.

You see, whenever I get behind the wheel of a car, I'll be driving along quite happily when suddenly something in the back of my head goes:

OMFG! WE'RE HURTLING ALONG AT 50MPH IN A BIG METAL BOX!!!! HIT ANYTHING AND WE'RE PEOPLE PATE!!! YOU DO REALISE THE HUMAN BODY WAS DESIGNED FOR A TOP SPEED OF ABOUT 15MPH. RIGHT????

Yup, no matter how hard I try, I can't 'forget' that one ass-hat pulling out of a side street without looking is the difference between arriving on time and arriving at the hospital with a complete set of shattered limbs.

However, the main reason I hate driving is the other drivers. I think I'd be perfectly happy to drive around all day on empty roads. The problem comes in with the aforementioned dickweeds who you see driving along with a cell-phone cradled against their ear while they're munching on a Big Mac and fiddling with their radio.

You see? That Big Mac muncher isn't thinking about how looking at his radio for an instant too long will leave him wrapped around a lamp-post.

Last but not least, I'm going to admit something that no male has ever admitted before: I'm just not a very good driver. I never feel like I'm 100% in control of my vehicle. 90% in control maybe…but still not 100%. Basically, I'll take my test because I have to, drive because I have to…but I don't think I'll ever be 100% completely in control.

Oddly enough…I actually feel more in control and far safer on a motorcycle.

Anyway, as far as I can see, there are only two definite upsides to getting my permit.

1. I finally have a piece of commonplace state-issued ID…meaning I don't have to show my greencard and get looked at like I've just grown an extra head.
   
2. With living out in the country where all the roads look exactly the same to me and almost zero geographical knowledge once you get more than five miles from my front door…getting a GPS isn't a luxury but a necessity…and gadgets are always cool.