Fuck You, Billy Mays

I have a question. In fact I have two.

I saw a Billy Mays infomercial for a combination burger-press/frying pan thing. I actually thought that it was a reasonably cool gadget until it got to the part on the infomercial where they show someone making burgers the 'old fashioned way'…and they make it seem like frying a burger is the most difficult, complicated, time-consuming
chore ever.

Does anyone else find that a little insulting and off-putting? At first I was thinking "Hey, that's kinda cool"…but within a minute I was thinking "They're marketing this to people who can't work a spatula."

Why do they do that?

I mean, if you're cooking burgers with the heat so high they're turning to carbon, and don't have the necessary coordination to flip one without sending it flying across the room…or enough common sense to not try to flip fifteen burgers at once with a teaspoon…how do you even own a credit card? How do you even have the mental capacity to use a touch-tone telephone?

I mean, I saw one for a spaghetti pot with built in colander, and they showed some guy trying to drain his pasta by holding a plate in one hand at 45 degrees and just dumping the spaghetti on to it. Of course, it went everywhere.

"Draining pasta can be messy and the hot water can burn you!" The voice over said.

"But only if you're a gigantic retard who uses a dinner plate as a colander." I replied.

As a consumer, I am sometimes interested in these gadgets as a convenience or time-saving device. As a human being, I'm just appalled.

If you want to sell me something, don't insinuate it's a product for people who need to wear football helmets to bed. I might be interested in a combination burger-press/frying pan…but not because I don't know how to work a normal frying pan. It would be pretty nice to just be able to dump the pasta water straight out…but I don't need that gadget because I don't know the ultra-secret, complicated "leave a bit of a gap between the edge of the pan and the lid and the pour the water out slowly over the sink" trick.

My second question is a lot simpler:

Is Billy Mays even capable of speaking at a normal level? Does he think I'll be more likely to buy his crap if he shouts at the top of his voice the whole time?

I mean, imagine if every store was like that. You walk into Best Buy and instead of a sales associate walking over and saying "Can I help you sir?" someone runs up, punches you in the face and screams:

"BUY THIS HUGE MOTHER-FUCKING TV YOU COCK-SUCKING RETARD! ITS FUCKING GIGANTIC! AND CHECK OUT THE FUCKING REMOTE! IT'S ALL DIGITAL AND SHIT! YOU'RE PROBABLY AS THICK AS PIGSHIT, SO BUY THIS SHIT ONE FOR FUCKING MILLIONS! FUCK ME! LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT MOTHER-FUCKER!!! BUY IT!!! YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT!!!!"

Ok…that would be awesome to watch…but it wouldn't sell many TV's