Wednesday, January 14, 2009

I learned something today.

I was back up on my bedroom roof today, laying down the roofing cement that I can't help but think of as 'roof-goop'.

Actually, thinking about it, the title of today's post is a little inaccurate in that I really learned two things.

The first thing I learned is that when you get the great idea to wear latex gloves to avoid a messy cleanup later, it's a really good idea to double glove, because roof-goop is extremely sticky and causes your glove to glue itself to your trowel handle, meaning that it's entirely possible to lose most of your glove and not notice until it's way too late.

Actually, make that three things I've learned.… the second being that latex gloves are pretty much useless as you're going to need a shower when you're done anyway. This is because roof-goop has a mind of its own and gets everywhere. No matter how careful you are you'll find it all over your body, clothes and in some cases, on relatives who live in other countries…hell, I found some on my feet and legs
this time, meaning the stuff got through my shoes, socks and jeans with no trouble whatsoever. Basically roof-goop an accursed substance, a substance fashioned from the lies and broken promises of dark and traitorous creatures, and as such is capable of blatantly demonic acts.

The last time I used it, Sunny got her work uniform out of the washing machine, only to find a small patch of it on her trousers. I never went near the washing machine, and the wash was put on before I opened the can of roof-goop.

Which brings me to the main thing I learned today:

You see, the whole point of roof-goop is that it's waterproof, which means it's almost impossible to get off your skin. It's basically synthetic tar that doesn't have to be heated. You may remember that being tarred and feathered used to be a form of torture. So, if you use roof-goop, stay the fuck away from feathers if you know what's good for you, because you're going to learn that just being 'tarred' isn't a very pleasant experience either. You can stand under the shower for days and it'll just laugh at you.

So, after gaining so much (unwanted) experience with the roof-goop, I discovered that WD-40 is pretty damn good at dissolving it. You see, while roof goop is made from the Lies and Broken Promises of Dark and Traitorous Creatures, WD-40, like duct tape, is made from condensed happiness.

Anyway, the WD-40 trick wasn't what I learned today. I learned that after my second trip up onto the roof.

No, what I learned today was that while it's absolutely fine to spray copious amounts of WD-40 on yourself in a relatively open area, such as, say, standing at a kitchen or bathroom sink…it's really not a good idea to spray half a contractor-sized can while standing in a relatively small area…such as a shower cubicle.

It's a little fun at first, when the unicorn-riding pixies turns up…but once the walls start melting and the bathtub starts breathing, it quickly goes downhill.

1 comment:

Evan 08 said...

Wait until the toilet starts "drinking your urine." Oops... sorry... wrong hallucination.