Thursday, January 08, 2009

I’m Effing Freezing

Shortly before Christmas the US government finally deigned to give me a Social Security Number. Now that I finally have that tiny bit of paper with those oh-so-important nine numbers on it, I can finally apply for a drivers license.

This means that in the morning I get to go take the written test to qualify for my learner's permit. I am not happy about this for a number of reasons...but it is only one of these reasons that I am writing about today:

I was sitting on the couch earlier, flipping through the SC driver's manual for a little last minute revision and to see what documentation I need to bring with me to the DMV when Sunny nonchalantly drops this little bombshell:

"Oh, and you will get your picture taken if you pass."

"Bollocks!" I say.

You see, it's the middle of winter. This is important for two reasons. In winter I do two things. I let my hair grow out and allow my usual goatee to evolve into a full beard.

I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but my hair is extremely thick and extremely curly. Once my hair gets past, say, an inch and a half long, the term "great big fucked-up afro" describes it pretty well. My beard grows in almost exactly the same way, so during the coldest winter months, my head looks a lot like a gigantic ball of hair with a face in the middle.

Why do I do this?

Warmth, basically. I might look like a reject from the muppets, but I'm sure as hell not freezing my ass off.

You see, my normal 'style' (if you can call it that) is a completely shaved head and a goatee (Which I grow to keep my head from looking too much like a testicle). This works perfectly in the summer months…but as any bald man will tell you, it's just plain amazing how much heat you lose from the top of your head.

So, as much as I enjoy being warm, and as unconcerned as I am about fashion, style or looks…I don't want the "hairball with a face in the middle" look on my permit picture. This is for two reasons. Firstly and less importantly, I consider myself about 500% better looking without the afro and ZZ-top going on…but more importantly, I don't feel like handing my permit to a state trooper in June when I'm back to the baldy look, having him hear my non-American accent and refuse to believe the permit belongs to me.

So, just to finish this post by putting a very bizarre (but true) image in everyone's head…I shaved my hair and my beard and regretted it almost instantly when I started shivering. Considering I don't own a hat, I only had one option. After Sunny went to bed I got the red throw from the couch and tied it around my head in the way women do with towels when they get out of the shower. That's right, I'm sitting here right now wearing an over-sized, bright-red, fleece turban.

Just like my hair when I let it grow long…I might look ridiculous…but I'm sure as hell warm enough.

Wait…it fell down as I was typing that last sentence, so I draped it over my head, hood-like. Now I just look like I'm wearing a gay Jedi's bathrobe.


Sunny said...

Okay, I was going to write a post- but for now i'll just say....Break a leg or Good Luck...or whatever sentiment is appropriate for doing this test.

The post will come after we get home.


Kelly said...

Good luck, you'll be fine - just don't wear the red blanket turban when you go for the test! lol

Evan 08 said...

Lint on the freshly-cropped dome?

rayray said...

i too shave my head, and i've noticed that when i go outside freshly shaven, it's not that bad even on the coldest day. (so you must just be weird).
however, it is nice to have that stubble goin in order to keep one's stocking cap in place, (kinda works like velcro).

Paulius said...

Sunny: This message is pointless because you're sitting on the other side of the room.

Kelly: I'm wearing it on my license picture

Evan: Nope, lint free.

RayRay: A shaved head isn't much colder...apart from the first time you go outside after swapping a couple of inches of thick curly hair for nothing

Sunny said...

No- when i posted that comment you were pacing he house and I couldn't get your attention because you were there.