So, last night things came to a bit of a head over my camera going missing and Sunny and I had an absolutely blazing row, probably the worst one we've had in our six years of marriage.
I'll be completely honest and admit my mistakes. I said some pretty horrible things that I didn't mean and…long story short, I went way too far. I instantly realized I wasn't saying things just to win the argument or make my point, but was just saying horrible, hurtful things because the red mist (or in this case, the red smog) had descended and I just wanted to punish her and make her feel bad. I'd spent three days silently seething and Sunny had given me an opening.
It wasn't her fault. I did have reason to be upset with her, but I had reason to have a 'heated discussion', not a screaming match. The simple truth is that I had the world's amount of rage built up, and she put a slight crack in the dam that was holding it back…and I took it all out on her because she was a convenient target and the person I was really angry at wasn't there.
I realized almost immediately after what I'd done and apologized and took back what I said, and we made up... Sunny proving she's a far bigger and better person than I am.
We made up… but consider this my public apology.
I don't mean this in an emo 'everyone feel sorry for me' way, but I think the main reason this happened is that I simply don't have any friends over here. I have people I keep in contact with in England, and a good few online friends…but without a job or driving license I just haven't had the opportunity to meet any new people.
Put simply, back in England, if I got pissed off about something, I'd call a couple of friends, we'd go to the pub, have a few beers and I'd vent for a while. I could get out of the house, have a change of scenery and deal with things that way. You don't notice it until it's gone, but when someone pisses you off or screws you over, it's amazing what something as simple as calling a friend and going to see a movie or something does to help you calm down and get over it.
As things are now, when I get angry at something I have nowhere to go, no way to get there even if I did and absolutely no-one to talk to. Basically, I have no pressure release. If I get angry about something, I have no way to let it out and it just builds and builds…and eventually gets taken out on people, or more precisely the ONE person, Sunny, who doesn't deserve it.
Of course, this will all fix itself when I finally get someone to hire me, can get out of the house and start having an actual life again…but that doesn't help much now.