Thursday, April 29, 2010

Answering comments here because I've too much to say to fit in a comment.

Firstly to Evan: Yes, Sunny is coming with me. I've put too much work into her to give up on that investment. I also don't think I'll change the name of this blog, the actual title isn't location specific, and I don't think it's worth changing the URL and having people have to update bookmarks etc. All I'd do is lose readership, and it's taken five years to build up to the couple hundred a day I get now.

Secondly to Scratch: I won't be moving back to America, ever. In fact, this is one of the things I made absolutely clear to Sunny when we were discussing moving. I'd be willing to stay here for another couple of years and keep plugging away in the hope I'd find work, but if we moved, while I'm more than happy to come back to visit, I'll never come back to stay.

The simple reason for that is because it's just too damn painful. When I moved over here I had to leave everything behind and start over. Basically, look around your house and imagine you can only keep what you can fit into a decent sized suitcase. Then think of your family and friends, your pets, the places you usually hang out…and more importantly the million and one little things you take for granted that don't seem important until they're not available any more.

This is the second time I'm doing that. We'd built a life together over here for the past six and a half years, and now I get to leave it all behind again.

The simple truth is that I really, really, really don't want to go. I'm looking forward to seeing my family and friends again, I'm looking forward to not waking up every morning with a sense of dread over how I'm going to pay for my meds…but I love this country, I love the area where I live, and I'm going really going to miss it. As a big, bad 6"1, 265lb rough, tough, shotgun-shooting male, I can honestly say that every time I think about leaving, I feel like crying.

Last time I moved, this was more than offset by the idea of moving to a whole new country, getting married to Sunny and the adventure of the whole thing. People leave home, move into their own place and get married all the time, and that's all I was doing, only I got to move further away to a more 'exotic' locale. Moving back just feels like failure.

The worst part is that the vast majority of our belongings are going to have to be sold just to cover the cost of moving. When I say we're starting from scratch, I mean we're literally starting from scratch. We'll be moving in with my parents with nothing but a couple suitcases of clothes to our name.

Of course, the flip side is I get my good credit rating back, my diabetes treatment becomes a non-issue and I can finally get the minor surgery I've needed for the past three years. I also have a few firm employment possibilities and I get to see my family and friends again…I also won't have to put up with certain inlaws looking down their noses at me while whispering how I'm not working because I'm 'lazy' and just generally badmouthing me because they enjoy it.

As I mentioned in my last post, there's perseverance and there's idiocy. We moved into the house we're living in now as a stop-gap. We thought we'd be living here for maybe three or four months before I'd start work and we'd move somewhere else. Then, we've been saying we'll only be living here for 'a few more months' for nearly seven years.

The question is, just how long to do we live like this? One missed paycheck away from homelessness while hoping work is 'just around the corner'? Do I take a gamble that, after seven years of looking, I'll find a job before August when my diabetes meds run out?

The answer is no. The simple truth is I'm just the wrong sort of immigrant. With the economy the way it is now, no-one is going to hire me while an American wants the job unless I'm willing to work under the table, with no benefits, for two dollars an hour.

Long story short, it was a really hard choice. It's a matter of putting what I want to do next to what I actually have to do.

6 comments:

Sunny said...

Well, I can't blog about any of this for at least another week, circumstances being what they are with my job, but I'll say here that I think we have made the best decision for us. Our situation here seems to become more and more precarious as time goes by and it will be a fresh start for us...as you said- quite literally "from scratch".
I'll miss my family and friends- just like you did....but I'll be okay- just like you are. There's always e-mail, and SKYPE and I do still write real letters too.
Everything will work out in the end.
More from me next week.....

britishsaffy said...

and like I told you yesterday.......Toby and I might not be that far behind you!

rayray said...

I don't think YOU failed.
I think this country failed YOU.
Just my two cents.

evin619 said...

i thike this blog is very true

Scratch the hostile fay said...

Well, if you want to put it *that* way, yeah. I'd leave too if I was worried about where my next meal (or in your case, next insulin injection!) comes from. Certainly. No one here is blaming you for *that*.

As long as you understand
a) it will be every bit as painful for Sunny to leave *her* family/friends/stuff behind, and

b) it may take you a while to find a job over there, just like it has here (the economy, alas is a global thing)--unless you have something lined up already?

But I'm assuming that was in the talk you two did. (there I go, ASSUMING again!)

I have to agree with rayray though; surely you ought to be able to get *some* help from the government... At least you were here legally. That's something that a lot of people on food stamps, etc (at least here) can't say.

On a different note though, you'll have to tell us when the yard sale is. If you don't think having complete online strangers (as opposed to complete IRL strangers!) check out your stuff would creep you out....

If you have any potted plants that need a home, let me know. I do pretty good with those. ;)

Scratch

MC Etcher said...

I never realized to what degree it sucked for you in the US. I always had you in the back of my mind for a telecommuting job, if one of my harebrained schemes took off, which of course they have not.