Shia LaBeouf Is An Asshole Of Epic Proportions

Before Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull came out, I saw a one panel comic of George Lucas trying to draw on the script with crayons, and shouting “CGI Gophers!!!” while Steven Spielberg hit him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

I laughed. George Lucas has gone from visionary, pioneer cinematographer to ‘CGI obsessed creator of celluloid abortions’ in recent years…but Indiana Jones would be an incredibly hard movie to fuck up.

You have a race between Indy and some Nazi’s to find an incredibly powerful and mystical artifact. Throw in a car chase, a few fight scenes and a few exotic locales and you’re golden.

Then I saw the movie.

I would have preferred the CGI gophers.

Ok, people tend to forget that the original Indiana Jones movies were a little fantastical, what with the Ark of the Covenant and the Holy Grain and all…but ‘interdimensional beings’ (read: Aliens)… who’s disembodied crystalline skulls can telepathically talk to people and make them do things?

The other big thing about this movie is if you watch the special features, they decided certain things wouldn’t work…and replaced them with exactly the same fucking thing.

They didn’t want to do ‘aliens’, so they did ‘interdimensional beings’. Creature that just happen to look exactly like aliens and have a ship that looks like a fucking flying saucer. Only they’re not from space, so they’re not aliens, ok?

Then they said they didn’t want to do Nazis…So instead they did Russians. Creepy, menacing cold-war Russians. Ok, so they look, act and even sound almost exactly like the Gestapo, but they’re not Nazis…because they’re Russians and Russia is, like, totally nowhere near Germany.

If you’ve not seen Kingdom of the Crystal Skull yet, I can sum up the whole experience for you by describing a single scene.

Indy escapes the badguys by jumping on a rocket-powered train-sled type dealie, that accelerates him and one badguy to many times the speed of sound in seconds, before stopping in less than fifty feet. Indy is totally unscathed, but the bad guy who got onto the rocket-sled with him is either knocked out or dead. Indy doesn’t know and doesn’t care whether the bad guy is dead or not…that’s just how he rolls because he’s Indiana Fucking Jones…and he can take 500 G’s of acceleration and deceleration without so much as a seatbelt, unlike that pussy Nazi…I mean, Russian.

The trouble isn’t over when Indy discovers that the rocket-sled has delivered him to ground zero of the fucking Manhattan Project. (For the people who don’t know their history, the Manhattan project is where the US government set off a nuclear bomb out in the desert to see how totally cool it looked. The official records state the explosion was, and I quote, ‘totally bitchin’’).

So Indy has mere seconds to escape a fucking nuclear bomb. The type of bomb that instantly vaporizes everything within a ten mile radius and just rapes everything out to fifty.

What does our hero do?

He gets inside a fridge.

…

… Umm

… yeah.

Just to add a little extra realism to this already totally plausible and absolutely not batshit-crazy scene, as Indy ducks inside the fridge with mere seconds to spare, we see a small plaque on the outside that says ‘lead lined’.

What we don’t see is the other plaque that says “Inertial Dampeners Like Off Star Trek…you know, the never-explained gadgets that cancel out gravity and G-Forces so people can survive accelerating to the speed of light in less than a second”.

Obviously, the fridge has some sort of technological or magical force-fields inside it because despite the fact the fridge with Indy in it gets thrown for fucking miles. He just opens the door when it lands, and after a comedic shake of his head, he just walks away.

I was expecting Jar-Jar Binks to pop around from the back of the fridge at any moment

“OMIGOSH Indy! Mesa tinkin yoowa gonna die! Dat was muey muey bombad explosion!”

C’mon, George. I’ll believe that a Jedi can jump a hundred feet into the air. I’ll believe that the Ark of the Covenant is real and will melt your face off if you open it up and look at it. I’ll even believe an intensely foreign looking guy can rip the heart from a guy’s chest with his bare hands. They’re totally over the top, but they’re consistent with the universe you’ve created.

However, there is no power on earth that will make me believe a 65 year old anyone can survive a nuclear blast by getting inside a lead lined fridge.

I mean, seriously. Why is Indy even remotely concerned when someone points a gun at him? Why does he stumble a little when someone punches him? The guy survived a fucking nuclear bomb! Not to mention getting thrown for fifteen miles with only an atom bomb-damaged fridge for protection. Shoot me, fucker…those bullets will just fucking bounce off…now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go jump of a building for fun!

My other big complain about this movie was Shia LeBeouf.

You wanna know a secret? Shia LeBeouf is a fucking awful actor. No matter what emotion he’s supposed to express, he gives the impression of a borderline special-needs kid trying to work out if he’s been insulted or not.

Pick any Shia LeBeouf movie. Go to any scene with him in, freeze it, and look at his face. You’ll see what I mean. Mostly confused with a hint of anger or aggression. Like a 4”9 alcoholic with a Napoleon complex who tries to pick a fight with you down the pub. The guy you’ll refuse to have a battle of wits with…but only because it’s unsporting to fight with someone so obviously unarmed.

Actually, I tell a lie. He has his shit-eating grin as well. Add to that the fact that he looks like a partially melted David Schwimmer, and movie material he ain’t.

Then there’s that scene at the end where Indy’s hat falls off a hat-stand and a sudden gust of wind blows it to Shia LaBeouf’s feet, and he leans down and picks it up.

In terms of subtlety, this is about as subtle a hint as a sledge hammer to your ballsack. I’m pretty sure in the first draft Harrison Ford actually handed Shia LaBeouf an actual torch and said:

“Here! I’m passing this torch, wink wink, onto you, wink wink.”

Well, I have something to say about that:

No. In fact, not just ‘no’. How about ‘Absolutely fucking not’ or ‘No fucking way, over my fucking dead body and I will personally burn Skywalker Ranch to the ground before salting the earth around it’s still-warm ashes before I see Shia LaBeouf as the new Indiana Jones’.

George, you already destroyed Star Wars with those badly written, badly acted toy commercials you had the balls to call ‘prequels’. Are you deliberately trying to piss me off with this shit? Have I personally wronged you in some way?

You honestly expect me to accept Shia LaBeouf…This guy:

As the new Indiana fucking Jones?

I think not.

What’s next? Are you going to make Star Wars Episodes VII, VIII and IX with the entire case of ‘High School Musical’. How about ditching Carrie Fisher and Mark Hamill and having their parts played by Hannah Montana and a full CGI Spongebob Squarepants.

Anyway, in case you haven’t got the point of this post yet…Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull sucks, and Shia LaBeouf sucks like a black hole.