Saturday, October 25, 2008

This Is Not A Gaming Post

A couple days ago I downloaded a demo of the quad-bike racing game ‘Pure’.

So, this morning I got up and decided to go around the demo track a few times before Sunny got up. This time, because I was sitting in front of the console and not grabbing a drink as the game started up I noticed something I hadn’t seen before.

The ‘Don’t try this at home’ screen.

It was…comprehensive.

Don’t try this at home. Do not attempt to recreate any of the stunts you see in the game. Take an ATV riding course before riding one solo. Make sure you have the permission of the land-owner before riding. Don’t have a passenger on the back. Be sure to wear all necessary safety equipment, etc, etc.

…and did you know that ATV’s are not toys and can result in serious injury if ridden without proper care and attention?

You know, I honestly believe these ‘do not try this at home’ messages do more harm than good.

At one point on the demo track you literally jump off a mountain over a Yawning Chasm of Doom…and even if you make the jump, you’re landing on a flat surface about three hundred feet lower than the jump you started on. Of course, in the game, you land, your rider turns to the camera and pumps his fist in the air and shouts “Cool!” or “Awesome” or “Totally Rad!” or some other of 80’s cliché.

Now, because I have a brain, I know that if I were to attempt a similar jump in real life there is only one of two possible outcomes:

1) I don’t make the jump and fall a few thousand feet to my death at the bottom of a rocky chasm. When the authorities find what’s left of my body, the pieces are small enough to be carried away in a selection of sandwich bags.

2) I make the jump but quickly understand that the human body does not like dropping three hundred feet onto a flat, rocky surface, even if said human body is on the back of an ATV at the time. When the authorities find my body this time, it’s at the bottom of a large impact crater with a significant amount of ATV up it’s ass.

So why do I think these warning messages do more harm than good?

Because it totally negates Darwinism and Natural Selection…basically, the people who think it’s a good idea to drive off a cliff are stopped from doing so…and then they breed.

Do you want to live in a society populated with people who lack the basic common sense to not drive an ATV of a cliff?

We’re heading towards the end of the world. An end brought about because the world’s population is too goddamned stupid to live.

Think I’m exaggerating?

We already live in a world were people have to be explicitly told not to drive off cliffs.

No comments: