Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Rock Band's Sting in the Tail

I’ve decided that the creators of Rock Band actually despise the human race and created Rock Band as a gigantic ‘fuck you’ to the world.

Firstly, they create the world’s most awesome game…then they include a song that could actually kill someone.

I’m talking about “Green Grass and High Tides” by The Outlaws.

There are four difficulty levels: Easy, Medium, Hard and Expert. Here’s what it’s like to play this song just on medium:

Step 1: Hmmm, low tempo, but lots of interesting drum patterns. This is cool.

Step 2: Oooh, speeding up a bit now, this is getting a little tricky. This is shaping up to be a new favorite.

Step 3: Ok, I’ve got the basic beat patterns down now. This is easy! How much longer does this go on for?

Step 4: Shit! Did the speed just triple?! I lost the rhythm for a couple seconds and my crowd meter dropped to half…ok, concentrate!

Step 5: Who wrote this shit? How could any real drummer stand it? I’ve been drumming for what feels like a week, my right thigh feels like it’s about to explode and I think I may need a hip replacement.

Step 6: I’ve been playing this song for what? A day? A week? A year? It’s all blurring together. I’m convinced the note track is evil. There seem to be breaks in the beat that were put in for the express purpose of putting me off.

Step 7: Does Bruce Banner feel like this when he changes into the Hulk? Did I get bit by a werewolf and not notice? It feels like my muscles are about to burst out from under the skin.

Step 8: What the fuck is this shit? Why are the introducing a totally new beat pattern fifteen seconds before the end? I’m exhausted! My arms and legs are working on autopilot…quick, just get the new pattern down before….



Seriously, it’s that bad. It’s not fun…it’s torture. They could use it at CIA internment camps. ‘Tell me where the explosives are hidden Achmed, or we’ll make you play ‘Green Grass and High Tides’ on expert!’

For those of you who have no clue what I’m talking about, here is the aforementioned song from youtube:

Fast forward to five minutes in when the madness starts.

If you’ve no idea how rhythm games work, when the colored ‘gem’ hits the line at the bottom of the screen, you hit the same color drum pad. When the horizontal orange lines reach the bottom, you hit the drum pedal.

Yup, I’m not a big fan of any form of ‘entertainment’ that makes your legs explode.

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