Sunday, October 05, 2008

Revenge of the 'tards

With Guitar Hero in my near future, last night, just for shitz ‘n’ giggles I decided to hop online and find track lists for each version.

Somehow, I took a wrong turn in the back streets of Googleville and found myself at a Youtube video of an 8 year old beating Psycho Freakout on expert.

I watched the video, and I have to say I was a little impressed. Yeah, I know it’s just a game and the kids not really playing an actual guitar…but whatever way you look at it, that kind of hand-eye coordination on an 8 year old is impressive.

Then I made the mistake of reading the comments.

Here’s my theory:

People of normal intelligence go to high school. People of low intelligence have ‘special needs’ classes at high school. People of really low intelligence go to dedicated special needs schools. The people who can’t handle the special needs schools go to special ‘centers’ where they spend all day gluing macaroni to construction paper while wearing football helmets to stop them hurting themselves when they head-butt the walls.

…and the people who don’t have the mental faculties for the ‘macaroni and construction paper’ school? They’re taken to a special room where they comment on Youtube videos all day.

If you can’t be bothered clicking the above link to the Youtube video, let me give you some highlights. I swear these are totally unaltered and just cut and pasted:

“i bet hes obbsest cus he can play witout lokin”

Yeah, and you’re obviously not obsessed with spelling, grammar or the English Language.

its not real notice how it never shows his hands and the tv at the same time and also if you caught a glimpse of the tv and him playing at the same time then it didnt sync up esspecially at the end you didnt even see his arm move when the 59 notes came up at the end of the song so hes fake ...oh and another thing if you look close the person put the cam down at the frets maybe to catch a bearing on the song. think about that. in lamense terms that was HORSESHIT!

Even if it is fake…so what? The kid’s eight years old. Oh, and in your last sentence, ‘lamense terms’…is that meant to be layman’s terms? I also love how you end with the big ‘HORSESHIT!’ as though you’ve just uncovered some outrageous, devilish conspiracy that everyone should be outraged by. Congrats…you managed to see through that eight-year old’s dastardly deception. Forgive me if I don’t think this is as big a deal as you think it is.

“Hope he fucking dies thats not fair hes gay anyway idk how good he is fuck him in the ass”

How does an oxygen-stealing waste of organs like you even exist? How do you even have the free time to waste putting up pointless shit like that comment? I mean, you see a fucking eight year old playing a game…and decide that’s enough provocation to wish him dead, call him a homosexual and then suggest sodomizing him. Honestly, go outside, make some friends…or at least spend some time with real people so you can get a sense of what a complete douchebag you are.

“u suck ass kid get a life my dick can play better than u could ever play bitch try playing one solo on real guitar its so easy but you cant play it cuz you don't know how fucker!”

Translation: “I’m an 18 year old who knows, like, four chords on a real guitar! However, because I’m a pale, friendless virgin, I’m going to take out my frustration on a random eight year old over the internet…because randomly insulting a stranger using the secure anonymity of the internet makes me a really tough bad-ass that could totally get a girlfriend if I wanted one. Yeah! I can totally play the first few notes of ‘Axel F’, which makes me a real guitar hero!”

Anyway…I left out all the usual ‘get a life’ comments (you know, because most 8 year olds are running multinational corporations instead of ‘wasting time’ playing videogames). Also, I just can’t figure out these people who think that someone who makes something and puts it online is a loser with no life…yet them spending their time to randomly abuse those people is perfectly okay.

I think the world would be a much better place if Randall Munroe of XKCD had his way:

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