Friday, October 24, 2008

No More!

Every time I click the stumble button I see yet another list of ‘observational comedy’ questions that are about as funny as open heart surgery without anasthetic. So, to finally put and end to this shit, and point out just how unfunny and annoying this shit is, it’s time to answer those questions.

Read the following, then never post, forward or publish another list like this again…or I will hunt you down and kill you.

· If the #2 pencil is so popular why is it still #2?

Because the number refers to how hard the graphite in the pencil is. Not it’s popularity.

· OK, so what's the speed of dark?

‘Dark’ is the word we use to describe the absence of light. As such it has no speed at all.

· Why do psychics have to ask for your name?

Because Psychics are frauds and do not have any kind of mind-reading ability.

· If a cow laughs hard, does milk come out its nose?

No. A cow’s udders (where the milk is produced) is not connected to a cow’s nasal passages. Also, as cows are simple animals, they have no concept of humor, and therefore wouldn’t laugh anyway.

· Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Hypodermic needles come from the supplier pre-sterilized in sealed packaging. They are not specially sterilized for executions.

· If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the store is free yet?

Because ‘lowering prices every day’ is just an advertising slogan.

· The "Psychic Friends Network" went out of business... didn't they see it coming?

I refer you to the previous question on psychics. Psychic powers do not exist.

· Is it possible for someone to become addicted to therapy? And If so, how would you treat them?

Yes, it is possible. You would treat them by advising them not to go to therapy any more.

· If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

No, it isn’t.

· Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

No. It isn’t.

· When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

Yes, because their strike would likely be caused by low wages or poor working conditions and not the simple act of creating a sign.

· Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

No. It would still be a fly.

· Why is the word abbreviation so long?

Because a word’s purpose has absolutely nothing to do with its spelling.

· If a word is mispelled in the dictionary, is it mispelled?

Yes. The Dictionary is not a magic document.

· And if it is mispelled, how would we know?

Because the vast majority of the English Speaking world would notice, and the offending dictionary would likely be recalled.

· Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

Because it is absolutely impossible to ‘expect the unexpected’. This is simple a popular saying which means you should be on your guard.

· If you are dialing from a touch-tone phone, Why do you call it 'dialing'?

Because by the time touch-tones were invented, the term ‘dialing’ had become synonymous with the act of putting a number into a telephone. The technology changed but the original term stuck.

· Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?

No. They do not.

· If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?

No. ‘The Sky’s the Limit’ is just another turn of phrase that is metaphorical, not factual.

· Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

No. It’s a theme park owned and operated by the Disney Corporation. Mickey Mouse is simple a character and not real.

· Can you get cornered in a round room?

That would depend on how many people were attempting to capture you. As a round room has curved walls, it would be entirely possible for two or three people to ‘corner’ you…especially as ‘to corner someone’ is yet another common phrase that does not have to be factual.

· Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?

A) Because Mickey Mouse is an anthropomorphized cartoon character that has little in common with an actual mouse. B) Not everyone loves Mickey Mouse.

· Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?

No. It would significantly raise the price of envelopes, and many envelopes would be wasted when children discovered the glue tasted like chocolate.

· You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?" Well what do you say to
people that work nights?

This is yet another common saying which is meant to infer that you are not good enough at your chosen hobby/pastime to do it for a living. The actual time at which someone works is irrelevant.

· If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Neither. A turtle’s shell is part of its body and serves as armor…not as a home or clothing.

· Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

It depends on the level of their vegetarianism, and whether or not the particular brand of animal crackers contain any ingredients made from animals.

· How is it possible to have a civil war?

Because ‘Civil’ means ‘of, pertaining to, or consisting of citizens’. As a Civil War is a war fought between citizens of the same country, it is absolutely possible to have civil war.

· Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Because the amount of bacteria in sour cream is eventually going to reach poisonous levels and therefore needs an expiration date.

· If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

Possibly. It depends on the man in question. Also, the effect would be similar with any man, regardless of ethnic background.

· If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

‘Humanitarian’ does not refer to the person in question’s diet.

· Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

No, because non-handicapped people do not need special parking spaces as they have no disabilities.

· Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Because the purpose of kamikaze was to damage enemy ships, not to end the life of the pilot.

· Why do people keep posting these stupid fucking lists?

Because they lack any real sense of humor and have zero creativity or originality.

1 comment:

Kelly said...

Ok, seriously??? You have WAY too much time on your hands dude!