Thursday, October 23, 2008

Shia LaBeouf Is An Asshole Of Epic Proportions

Before Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull came out, I saw a one panel comic of George Lucas trying to draw on the script with crayons, and shouting “CGI Gophers!!!” while Steven Spielberg hit him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

I laughed. George Lucas has gone from visionary, pioneer cinematographer to ‘CGI obsessed creator of celluloid abortions’ in recent years…but Indiana Jones would be an incredibly hard movie to fuck up.

You have a race between Indy and some Nazi’s to find an incredibly powerful and mystical artifact. Throw in a car chase, a few fight scenes and a few exotic locales and you’re golden.

Then I saw the movie.

I would have preferred the CGI gophers.

Ok, people tend to forget that the original Indiana Jones movies were a little fantastical, what with the Ark of the Covenant and the Holy Grain and all…but ‘interdimensional beings’ (read: Aliens)… who’s disembodied crystalline skulls can telepathically talk to people and make them do things?

The other big thing about this movie is if you watch the special features, they decided certain things wouldn’t work…and replaced them with exactly the same fucking thing.

They didn’t want to do ‘aliens’, so they did ‘interdimensional beings’. Creature that just happen to look exactly like aliens and have a ship that looks like a fucking flying saucer. Only they’re not from space, so they’re not aliens, ok?

Then they said they didn’t want to do Nazis…So instead they did Russians. Creepy, menacing cold-war Russians. Ok, so they look, act and even sound almost exactly like the Gestapo, but they’re not Nazis…because they’re Russians and Russia is, like, totally nowhere near Germany.

If you’ve not seen Kingdom of the Crystal Skull yet, I can sum up the whole experience for you by describing a single scene.

Indy escapes the badguys by jumping on a rocket-powered train-sled type dealie, that accelerates him and one badguy to many times the speed of sound in seconds, before stopping in less than fifty feet. Indy is totally unscathed, but the bad guy who got onto the rocket-sled with him is either knocked out or dead. Indy doesn’t know and doesn’t care whether the bad guy is dead or not…that’s just how he rolls because he’s Indiana Fucking Jones…and he can take 500 G’s of acceleration and deceleration without so much as a seatbelt, unlike that pussy Nazi…I mean, Russian.

The trouble isn’t over when Indy discovers that the rocket-sled has delivered him to ground zero of the fucking Manhattan Project. (For the people who don’t know their history, the Manhattan project is where the US government set off a nuclear bomb out in the desert to see how totally cool it looked. The official records state the explosion was, and I quote, ‘totally bitchin’’).

So Indy has mere seconds to escape a fucking nuclear bomb. The type of bomb that instantly vaporizes everything within a ten mile radius and just rapes everything out to fifty.

What does our hero do?

He gets inside a fridge.

… Umm

… yeah.

Just to add a little extra realism to this already totally plausible and absolutely not batshit-crazy scene, as Indy ducks inside the fridge with mere seconds to spare, we see a small plaque on the outside that says ‘lead lined’.

What we don’t see is the other plaque that says “Inertial Dampeners Like Off Star Trek…you know, the never-explained gadgets that cancel out gravity and G-Forces so people can survive accelerating to the speed of light in less than a second”.

Obviously, the fridge has some sort of technological or magical force-fields inside it because despite the fact the fridge with Indy in it gets thrown for fucking miles. He just opens the door when it lands, and after a comedic shake of his head, he just walks away.

I was expecting Jar-Jar Binks to pop around from the back of the fridge at any moment

OMIGOSH Indy! Mesa tinkin yoowa gonna die! Dat was muey muey bombad explosion!”

C’mon, George. I’ll believe that a Jedi can jump a hundred feet into the air. I’ll believe that the Ark of the Covenant is real and will melt your face off if you open it up and look at it. I’ll even believe an intensely foreign looking guy can rip the heart from a guy’s chest with his bare hands. They’re totally over the top, but they’re consistent with the universe you’ve created.

However, there is no power on earth that will make me believe a 65 year old anyone can survive a nuclear blast by getting inside a lead lined fridge.

I mean, seriously. Why is Indy even remotely concerned when someone points a gun at him? Why does he stumble a little when someone punches him? The guy survived a fucking nuclear bomb! Not to mention getting thrown for fifteen miles with only an atom bomb-damaged fridge for protection. Shoot me, fucker…those bullets will just fucking bounce off…now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go jump of a building for fun!

My other big complain about this movie was Shia LeBeouf.

You wanna know a secret? Shia LeBeouf is a fucking awful actor. No matter what emotion he’s supposed to express, he gives the impression of a borderline special-needs kid trying to work out if he’s been insulted or not.

Pick any Shia LeBeouf movie. Go to any scene with him in, freeze it, and look at his face. You’ll see what I mean. Mostly confused with a hint of anger or aggression. Like a 4”9 alcoholic with a Napoleon complex who tries to pick a fight with you down the pub. The guy you’ll refuse to have a battle of wits with…but only because it’s unsporting to fight with someone so obviously unarmed.

Actually, I tell a lie. He has his shit-eating grin as well. Add to that the fact that he looks like a partially melted David Schwimmer, and movie material he ain’t.

Then there’s that scene at the end where Indy’s hat falls off a hat-stand and a sudden gust of wind blows it to Shia LaBeouf’s feet, and he leans down and picks it up.

In terms of subtlety, this is about as subtle a hint as a sledge hammer to your ballsack. I’m pretty sure in the first draft Harrison Ford actually handed Shia LaBeouf an actual torch and said:

“Here! I’m passing this torch, wink wink, onto you, wink wink.”

Well, I have something to say about that:

No. In fact, not just ‘no’. How about ‘Absolutely fucking not’ or ‘No fucking way, over my fucking dead body and I will personally burn Skywalker Ranch to the ground before salting the earth around it’s still-warm ashes before I see Shia LaBeouf as the new Indiana Jones’.

George, you already destroyed Star Wars with those badly written, badly acted toy commercials you had the balls to call ‘prequels’. Are you deliberately trying to piss me off with this shit? Have I personally wronged you in some way?

You honestly expect me to accept Shia LaBeouf…This guy:

As the new Indiana fucking Jones?

I think not.

What’s next? Are you going to make Star Wars Episodes VII, VIII and IX with the entire case of ‘High School Musical’. How about ditching Carrie Fisher and Mark Hamill and having their parts played by Hannah Montana and a full CGI Spongebob Squarepants.

Anyway, in case you haven’t got the point of this post yet…Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull sucks, and Shia LaBeouf sucks like a black hole.


Anonymous said...

I haven't seen this movie, but this has to be one of the best film reviews I've ever read. Hands down.

Anonymous said...

THANK you.

As every time I see this guy on screen I begin to vomit uncontrollably, I had to do a "Shia LaBeouf sucks" query on Google.

Right when his Boy Band mug popped up in Indy 4 I knew the movie was ruined.

I have the perfect role for him however: any time - in any movie - someone needs to get their ass kicked brutally, Shia needs to be cast. He should also always wear the leather motorcycle jacket in each scene. As you have already mentioned, he has the facial expression for this role perfected (the I just Shia in my pants look?).

Anonymous said...

Shia LaBeouf is horrible. Playing an average kind of kid with a tiny bad boy edge who manages to get in to some kind of crazy jam in almost every role! He is as easy to like as an annoying rash. I have never seen a face that I so naturally wanted to punch.

Anonymous said...

I couldn't agree with you more on all points. Shia LaBeouf is a retard and has ruined every movie with his face. His sophomoric one dimensional acting annoys everyone I know. He must give great director blowjobs to land these big budget summer films. And if it hasn't already been bad enough, he's going to be staring in the sequel to Wall Street. I guess he never gets tired of fucking up great franchises.

Anonymous said...

This review is right on..RIGHT ON!!

I hate Shia Lebouef...and have no fucking idea why he is b eing cats in such big movies...the guy is...ugh....ugh...please let him die soon...

Anonymous said...

Fuck yea! :D I swear that kid pisses me the fuck off, a friend asked if i wanted to go see Transformers 2 and i said no cuz Shia LaDouch was in it. then i got pissed off thinking about that queer-bear and typed in Shia LaBeauf sucks, and got this blog / review. i loved every word and it helped quell the anger i have for the PoS actor and all the movies that could have been decent if he wasn't casted. again Thank YOU.

Anonymous said...

I just typed in "Shia LaBeouf sucks" in google and found this article, read it, loved it. I didn't realize so many people hated this guy. Shia LaDouche is right. For some reason this guy just annoys me when I see him in movies.

Anonymous said...

boo fucking hoo. "shia lebeouf sucks, shia lebeouf sucks. He's such a douche bleh bleh bleh." God I'm tired of this shit. Guess what? He makes more money than you ever will. If he sucks so bad, why don't YOU go audition for his parts? Oh wait, you won't. Cause you're probably another lonely shut in who can't express himself properly in regular conversation, let alone on a set full of a couple hundred crew members. Right? Am I off on that one? I didn't think so.

Anonymous said...

boo fucking hoo.(guess what?))) you suck too!It not about how much money he makes.He is a terrible actor. the plots also suck!the director sucks. There is nothing wrong with pointing those obvious truths out. It doesn't mean that you're jealous. It means that you are aware and obviously you like kissing Shia's hole. The world doesn't agree with you.Bad acting is awful.I don't personally hate shia. but in the words of Yoda .Act Shia cannot- do or do not-there is no try.

Anonymous said...

explain how true this is.

Anonymous said...

Spot on. Ten man points for you, sir.

Anonymous said...

I think I may have to disagree. While most of the movie is completely fantastical, as it should be, considering it is a fucking movie, there was a term coined from it. Whenever something completely fantastical and technically impossible happens...they call it "Nukin' the fridge." It's a movie, and perhaps, you should grow a pair of imagination-based balls, and enjoy it as such instead of criticizing it because it's not like the all-time favorite originals of Star Wars and Indiana Jones. Shia LaBeouf is also very young, and still learning, remember his first movie role was Holes, he has also done both Transformers and Eagle Eye, all of which made tons of money, and both transformers came out around major holidays...and they were hits. It's a lot easier to criticize than to actually look of the accomplishments of any actor isn't it?

Anonymous said...

I never knew how many people actually wasted their time complaining about one person that they will most likely never meet in their life time. I haven't seen that movie, but then again, I don't like indiana jones. So, yeah, my suggestion is, get a life and quit whining because you're not as famous as this guy... NO ONE CARES!!!

drunkenhopfrog said...

IMO. Quit infusing movie reviews (and comments) with some dumb silly 'take'. It makes the review read like some internet nincompoop reviewing a movie with a nincompoop in it. Does two nincompoops make a positive? I don't even want to know. I doubt it though.

This is a similar type of nonsense that those aged 18-28 wrote about Dicaprio after TITANIC. I have my doubts if Lebouef will ever end up being the kind of actor that Dicaprio has, but he certainly does not have less talent that Keanu Reeves.


These reviews are not funny anymore. Read Ebert's review of TRANSFORMERS 2 for a well written review that BLASTS the actors and film makers of a movie. And his vocabulary never once descends to SUCK or FACE PUNCHING or UNCONTROLLABLE VOMITING.

The internet has become a blathering mass of juveniles who are prepared to SWEAR that explicative laden Jim Rome takes are cool and somehow humorous.

These are to humorous as Shia Lebeouf is to acting.

Normally I wouldn't care what someone wrote on their own blog, but that fact that crap like this has taken over stumbleupon "Movie" tags has me a little steamed. Makes me want to scratch my eyes out with the equally annoying LOL CATS while having Live Journal poetry piped into my brain.

Anonymous said...

to the guy who said the author should grow a pair 'imagination based balls''re wrong.

Movies should be internally consistent. Asking me to feel any sort of tension or to take it seriously when Indy's getting shot at after he survived a nuclear blast with only a fridge for help is like expecting me to feel tension when Jerry hits Tom in the face with a frying pan.

Basically, if the gun/magic/explosion/poison gas kills a bad guy on screen, it should be capable of killing the hero.

When a guy shrugs off a nuke, you can't expect me to get excited when he gets shot at

Anonymous said...

I used the same search words and ended up here. Very happy to read your comments and they are very therapeutic. I honestly havent got a clue why this loser is in so many big movies!

Anonymous said...

Shia LePuff is going to absolutely ruin Wall Street 2. I could kill somebody right now.

Anonymous said...

This review is dead on. I just watched the new Indiana Jones on DVD and wanted to vomit. Shia Labeouf is fucking horrible, there are not words to describe what a shitty actor he is. Actually the whole script was horrible, George Lucas should have retired 20 years ago.

Rosie said...

Hahahaha! I must say, your review cracked me up! Very accurate and very funny.

Anonymous said...

I enjoyed your review as well. You should definitely post your hilarious opinions on this site.

Anonymous said...

This was a wicked film review -
I agree with you 100%

I typed in "Shia Labeouf is a retard" in google and now in retrospect feel bad as this is obviously a greater insult to handicapped people.

If you watch this clip you will see how up close and personal this guy actually is with his own ass.

Then I realised with the help of others he is actually high in this video hahaha

Shia LaBeouf Interview on Directing The Cage Video Movie

Another great movie in the makes will be ruined.

Anonymous said...

Does this a$$hole actor have powerful relatives in Hollywood? How the F does he get all these parts, all he can play is a whinny, scared, stammering, idiot in movies, he is not good looking, not funny or cool, how the hell does he land all these parts in major movies and screws them all up for me. My wife and I hate this creepy looking guy yet he amazingly lands big movies, I mean what is it about this guy that attracts the movie makers to him? he seriously sucks big time.

lsaenz said...

Just because a movie grosses hundreds of millions of dollars or whatever doesn't mean it's good.

Take my experience for example. I went to see Indiana Jones 4's Indiana fucking Jones.
I pay my $10 to go in there and basically see Steven Spielburg and Shia LeDouche fuck up one of the greatest franchises ever.

His acting is Disney-Movie-esque. He is awful as an actor. Every time he said one of his lines, I wanted to rip his head open and shit down his neck.

The POINT is that, even though the movie sucked major dingaling, I STILL had to pay $10 to find out that it sucked. Which is why, if you are reading this Stephen Speilburg, I would like my money back for this special effects, shia ledouche skidmarked, gloryhole of a franchise movie.

Transformers was worse. Don't get me started on it.

Anonymous said...

Spielberg casts him because he`s a jew kid. I used to think John Cusack sucked but this guy takes the cake.

Anonymous said...

I also found this by googling "Shia Labeoug sucks" and agree with you 110% 'every word' is the gospel truth and if you need help paying for the gasoline to roast skywaker ranch just ask!

I pray a meteorite crushes Shia LaDouche's skull in.

James said...

Count me in as one of those who also simply typed "Shia LaBeouf sucks" as well to bring me here. It doesn't take someone with half a brain to realize (just as one person previously noted) this idiot gets cast in so many big films is because he is a jew. I'm not anti-semitic but it is a fact that the jews control the entertainment industry (movies, tv, music, heck even the internet. Facebook anyone?)So this turd is gonna get gonna get preferential treatment. I just wish he would disappear but pointing to what I just stated above, that's not gonna happen anytime soon. Hell, I'm pretty sure this idiot is gonna be handed an freaking OSCAR somewhere down the road. oh, how I weep for the future.

James said...

Count me in as one of those who also simply typed "Shia LaBeouf sucks" as well to bring me here. It doesn't take someone with half a brain to realize (just as one person previously noted) this idiot gets cast in so many big films is because he is a jew. I'm not anti-semitic but it is a fact that the jews run and control the Media (movies, tv, music, heck even the internet. Facebook anyone?)So this turd is gonna get gonna get preferential treatment. I just wish he would disappear but pointing to what I just stated above, that's not gonna happen anytime soon. Hell, I'm pretty sure this idiot is gonna be handed an freaking OSCAR somewhere down the road. oh, how I weep for the future.

Paulius said...

You're not anti-Semitic? You could have fooled me.

Listen, when you say something that is basically "I'm not anti Semitic, but fuck Jews." You ARE being anti-Semitic, you racist piece of shit.

I hate Shia LaBeouf because he's a shitty actor...not because I'm some idiotic racist smacktard convinced that the Jewish people secretly run the world.

monty1 said...

Hey I got a great idea for all time mis-casting Shia and Christen Dunst. What a combo they would make. They ruin any movie they are in. Forget the Rasberry's, we need a new award: The Vomits

monty1 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dave said...

Nice review. "In terms of subtlety, this is about as subtle a hint as a sledge hammer to your ballsack." lol, this cracked me up. Ignore the critics and speak your mind... Hollywood and movies by corporations are a celebration of mediocrity.