Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Shush...It's Cathartic

Ok, I realise that this is my second post in a couple of hours, but there’s something I’ve just got to bitch about to someone or my head will explode.

Bitch #1 : Kirby Vacuum Cleaners

Seriously, these are the most useless, convoluted machines I’ve ever had the misfortune to come into contact with. Supposedly they’re wonder machines that can vacuum, shampoo, even be used as the power for a paint sprayer, but have you ever heard the term “Jack of all trades, master of none”?

Their advertising slogan should be “Why buy a machine that does just one or two things really well, when you can own an overly-complicated, worthless piece of shit that does a blue-zillion things (That you really don’t want or need a cleaner to do) really, really badly?”

Not only do you need an engineering degree to attach a hose to get the corners of a room, they manage to clean maybe 3 square feet of slightly dusty carpet, before they become hopelessly clogged, the belt that drives the brushes gets tangled and twisted, and the resulting friction fills your room with the heavenly meadow-fresh scent of burning rubber.

Oh, not to mention their habit of cleaning one spot of carpet, then depositing everything its picked up about 6 inches away.

These shouldn’t be allowed to be called vacuum cleaners…they should be called “Vacuum dirt re-arrangers” because all they do is move dirt from one spot on your carpet to another.

It’s a sad fact that simply shouting at my carpet to “clean up its act” and show a little self respect in regard to its grooming habits is roughly 150 times more effective than using a Kirby.

I miss my Dyson. You know, odd concept, a vacuum cleaner that actually cleans, is easy to use and doesn’t require Stephen Hawking and the reborn spirit of Einstein to change the bag.

Bitch #2 : The “Windows’ Key, and stupidly placed buttons on a mouse.

What the hell is with that Windows key? Not only is it the most stupid invention to ever be shat from Satan’s own anus (why go to all the trouble of clicking the start button, when you can press a key on your keyboard? Wow, over a lifetime of computer use, I must save seconds!) But they place it right next to the alt, ctrl and shift keys. You know, the keys you have to hit by touch alone with your pinky finger in every single FPS game ever made!

Typical Microsoft. Have a ‘feature’ that is absolutely no use whatsoever, but causes more problems than a horny dog at a Miss Lovely-Legs competition.

This key should be the “Boot you out of a video game and make shit crash” key. I’ve searched all over the internet looking for an app to disable it. If anyone knows of a way to do it, let me know.

Secondly, which bright spark decided to put a super-sensitive “back” and “forward” key on the left hand side of a mouse? Great idea guys! Put a button that is positioned perfectly under my thumb on the side of the mouse, so when I’m halfway through a long streaming video or podcast, A slight movement of the mouse will make me go back to the page before it, forcing me to not only reload a nice big video file, but sit through 30 minutes of a flash-based video to get back to where I was.

Seriously, international competition quality target rifles have triggers that break with less pressure. Putting those buttons there makes about as much sense as saving space in your car by combining the gas and brake in one easy to use pedal.

I’m convinced that there’s a shadowy league of shit-stirrers who sit in high-backed leather chairs in a candle-lit, cigar-smoke filled boardroom, who do nothing all day but invent new ways to piss us off. Their emblem, set into the center if their table in jewel encrusted platinum, is a gigantic “One Finger Salute”

“How about a new button on a mouse that is completely useless, but positioned in the least ergonomic position possible?”

“Yes, my brother, and lets make it so sensitive that an ant farting three states over will cause it to click!”

“Excellent, it’ll be the biggest annoyance since we invented the ‘Windows Key’! Huzzah!”

Then they’ll drink their brandy with a mocking laugh, before going out and removing ever scrap of toilet paper from every public bathroom they can find, before applying that sticky substance to movie theatre floors.

Seriously, if I ever find the people who decided these things are a good idea, I’ll descend upon them like the wrath of kings. Then, as I sit atop my tower of retribution, my gaze falling upon them like the Eye of Sauron, I shall laugh with unbridled glee before incinerating what little is left of them through the sheer force of Righteous Justice, before force-feeding their ashes to their widows and orphans.


manda said...

yeah you do have too much time on your hands, and not enough time to speak to me anymore :P

Kato said...

I have yet to find a solution to the Windows key booting you out of games short of being very careful not to hit it. It's very keyboard-specific, I haven't had a problem with my current board, but ones I've had in the past it used to have often. The Windows key is really only useful as a hotkey for apps, like WINDOWS+D to show the desktop or WINDOWS+E to bring up an explorer window.

As for mouse buttons... I agree, I have all of the special features of mine turned off (well, actually, remapped for use in FPS'es) so the worst thing that happens if I accidentally lean on one of them is a stray character in an open document.