Shush...It's Cathartic

Ok, I realise that this is my second post in a couple of hours, but there’s something I’ve just got to bitch about to someone or my head will explode.

Bitch #1 : Kirby Vacuum Cleaners

Seriously, these are the most useless, convoluted machines I’ve ever had the misfortune to come into contact with. Supposedly they’re wonder machines that can vacuum, shampoo, even be used as the power for a paint sprayer, but have you ever heard the term “Jack of all trades, master of none”?

Their advertising slogan should be “Why buy a machine that does just one or two things really well, when you can own an overly-complicated, worthless piece of shit that does a blue-zillion things (That you really don’t want or need a cleaner to do) really, really badly?”

Not only do you need an engineering degree to attach a hose to get the corners of a room, they manage to clean maybe 3 square feet of slightly dusty carpet, before they become hopelessly clogged, the belt that drives the brushes gets tangled and twisted, and the resulting friction fills your room with the heavenly meadow-fresh scent of burning rubber.

Oh, not to mention their habit of cleaning one spot of carpet, then depositing everything its picked up about 6 inches away.

These shouldn’t be allowed to be called vacuum cleaners…they should be called “Vacuum dirt re-arrangers” because all they do is move dirt from one spot on your carpet to another.

It’s a sad fact that simply shouting at my carpet to “clean up its act” and show a little self respect in regard to its grooming habits is roughly 150 times more effective than using a Kirby.

I miss my Dyson. You know, odd concept, a vacuum cleaner that actually cleans, is easy to use and doesn’t require Stephen Hawking and the reborn spirit of Einstein to change the bag.

Bitch #2 : The “Windows’ Key, and stupidly placed buttons on a mouse.

What the hell is with that Windows key? Not only is it the most stupid invention to ever be shat from Satan’s own anus (why go to all the trouble of clicking the start button, when you can press a key on your keyboard? Wow, over a lifetime of computer use, I must save seconds!) But they place it right next to the alt, ctrl and shift keys. You know, the keys you have to hit by touch alone with your pinky finger in every single FPS game ever made!

Typical Microsoft. Have a ‘feature’ that is absolutely no use whatsoever, but causes more problems than a horny dog at a Miss Lovely-Legs competition.

This key should be the “Boot you out of a video game and make shit crash” key. I’ve searched all over the internet looking for an app to disable it. If anyone knows of a way to do it, let me know.

Secondly, which bright spark decided to put a super-sensitive “back” and “forward” key on the left hand side of a mouse? Great idea guys! Put a button that is positioned perfectly under my thumb on the side of the mouse, so when I’m halfway through a long streaming video or podcast, A slight movement of the mouse will make me go back to the page before it, forcing me to not only reload a nice big video file, but sit through 30 minutes of a flash-based video to get back to where I was.

Seriously, international competition quality target rifles have triggers that break with less pressure. Putting those buttons there makes about as much sense as saving space in your car by combining the gas and brake in one easy to use pedal.

I’m convinced that there’s a shadowy league of shit-stirrers who sit in high-backed leather chairs in a candle-lit, cigar-smoke filled boardroom, who do nothing all day but invent new ways to piss us off. Their emblem, set into the center if their table in jewel encrusted platinum, is a gigantic “One Finger Salute”

“How about a new button on a mouse that is completely useless, but positioned in the least ergonomic position possible?”

“Yes, my brother, and lets make it so sensitive that an ant farting three states over will cause it to click!”

“Excellent, it’ll be the biggest annoyance since we invented the ‘Windows Key’! Huzzah!”

Then they’ll drink their brandy with a mocking laugh, before going out and removing ever scrap of toilet paper from every public bathroom they can find, before applying that sticky substance to movie theatre floors.

Seriously, if I ever find the people who decided these things are a good idea, I’ll descend upon them like the wrath of kings. Then, as I sit atop my tower of retribution, my gaze falling upon them like the Eye of Sauron, I shall laugh with unbridled glee before incinerating what little is left of them through the sheer force of Righteous Justice, before force-feeding their ashes to their widows and orphans.

Random Thoughts

Women are the ultimate bundle of contradictions, and they act like it’s the guys who are at fault when we don’t understand them.

Ladies, you’re simply not understandable. You’re a species who will run from a mouse or a spider, make a huge deal over the slightest bruise or cut…but will gladly PAY someone to cover your privates with boiling hot wax, then tear out your pubes by the root.

What is it with these advertisements on TV where they claim to be the exclusive user of “flex-tech”, “hug flex”, “Enzyme-tech” or whatever technology.

“We have patented isoflex technology, which is not available anywhere else!”

Oh shit! I can only get this amazing technology from you? I’d better run out and buy your worthless product.

Of course you’re the exclusive user of this technology, because you just made that shit up off the top of your head.

For example, this blog is the only blog you can read that uses a “Direct pressure-activated data input system” (I use the keys on my keyboard to type this shit)…and it’s the only blog you read using “Opto-Photontech interrface technology. (The light comes from your monitor to your eyes).

Oh, and to the good people at “Bowflex”, you can call them “Iso-grips” all you want. They’re handles .

Who pays these people who do these stupid “studies”, where they essentially spend millions of dollars and man hours to research a “mystery” that’s plain common sense…then either state the obvious, or fail to get an answer.

Like the study into why cornflakes go soggy in milk. A year goes by and the answer comes back “inconclusive”.

Could the answer be that they get wet? More importantly, who the fuck cares?

Then we get to the studies that show that “90% of accidents occur in the home”. No shit? The place I spend 90% of my time? What’s next guys? Are you gonna study why fire burns? (It’s hot). Or why getting punched in the face by an irate Englishman hurts?

Finally, there needs to be a change in the law.

When a person walks into a busy gas station and attempts to pay for a pack of gum or a can of Pepsi with a debit card or check, and not only refuses to just pay cash for a buck-fifty purchase, but also spends 45 minutes searching through an over-stuffed wallet or purse for their card or check book…especially when they had 20 minutes time in the queue to look for it and have it ready…it should be perfectly legal to kill, or at least maim them, in fact it should be illegal for the person behind them in the queue to not bludgeon them over the head with the nearest heavy blunt object.

The same goes for the people who smash into you with their shopping cart, then tut and give you a dirty look like it’s your fault.

Oh, and the people in the parking lot who stroll out in front of your car like the laws of physics don’t apply to them (IE a car hitting them won’t actually hurt them), and then when you stop, refuse to even speed up slightly to get out of the way…you should be allowed to gun the engine and watch them sail over the top of your car.

Banging Your Head Against a Brick Wall

This is something that I found online and just HAD to share with you all.

Not only because I had a long line of teachers like this, but simply because it’s so outrageous.

I hope that this is fake for one simple reason: If it’s real, I seriously despair for the state of world we live in.

Why?

Because this letter simply says:

“Don’t think. Obey anyone in a position of authority without question. Even if we are wrong, you’re wrong to disagree with us, because we’re the ones in charge.”

I know I bitch and rant about a lot of stuff on this blog, but this is exactly the kind of thing that truly pisses me off.

So let me write a short rebuttal to this teacher:

You’re a teacher. Your job is to teach. You are not doing your job, unless your job is to teach children things that are flat out wrong.

Yes, you are in a position of authority, but you are in that position because the world at large believes that you actually know what you’re talking about. Your job should be to teach kids to question, and to think, not to blindly obey and accept everything they hear at face value…especially when they know what they’re hearing is wrong.

Let’s face it. You didn’t give this kid detention because he didn’t blindly accept the ‘facts’ you gave him. You’re giving him detention because he showed that you are an idiot and an incompetent teacher.

Also, for one, he didn’t show a ‘blatant disregard for authority’, he showed a blatant (and justified) disregard for a ‘fact’ he knew to be false. Secondly, a school that allows someone like you to be a teacher, simply doesn’t deserve ‘respect’.

Respect is earned, not taken or demanded.

You, Sir, should not be teaching.

I hope to fuck that this is fake.

Rant over.

An Open Letter

Dear Politicians,

We, the public, understand that you’re desperate to get elected or re-elected. We understand the need for you to put your broadcasts on TV.

However, we would appreciate it if you would use your screen time to actually tell us your viewpoint and policies…rather than just using it to slag off your opponents.

These broadcasts prove either one of two things:

1) Either you’re both borderline criminals and only think of yourselves rather than the people you represent.

2) You’re both filthy liars.

I mean, seriously, think about this. We’re treated to back to back broadcasts of each of you telling us how terrible the other is. Either you’re both lying, or neither of you is worthy of our votes.

Vote liar or money embezzling, kick back taking asshole. What kind of choice is that?

People wonder why America, supposedly the greatest democracy in the world, has one of the lowest voter turn-outs on the globe.

It’s not that we don’t care. It’s just that every time voting season comes around, we look at you, and decide we don’t want any of you in office.

Do us all a favor and tell us why we should vote for you, not why we shouldn’t vote for the other guy.

Many Thanks

The American Public.