Thursday, February 01, 2007

Curtains....The Silent Killer

Ever have on of those moments where you’re really glad nobody is around? When you do something really embarrassing or stupid, and just know it’s one of those “haunt you for the rest of your life” events? The story your wife always tells about you at parties, just knowing it’s going to get a big laugh?

Well, I just had one of those moments…and I’m going to share it with you.

Why? Call it a mixture of internet based anonymity, and 3000 mile safety buffer between me and the people who actually know me, and the fact I’m always willing to humiliate myself if it’s truly funny.

Ok…here goes.

My house is old. The kind of old that guarantees all kinds of draughts.

In summer this isn’t a huge deal. As long as the A/C is left on, it stays reasonably cool in here. On the other hand, winter is an entirely different story. You can leave two heaters on full blast in the same room, and end up with a room that’s just mildly cold instead of absolutely freezing.

This means that every winter we go around and try and “cold proof” the house. Thick heavy curtains over the windows. Plastic put up over the air conditioner, draught excluders put under all the doors.

Well, you get the idea.

Well, what I didn’t know, was my darling wife had covered up the door to the water-heater cupboard with a thick, black sheet of material.

So I’m walking to the bathroom down the corridor. As usual, I didn’t bother turning on the lights, so I’m walking down there in the dark. Now, this corridor is fairly thin, about enough space for two people to stand side by side.

Then, just as I’m approaching the heater cupboard, the tape she’d used to hang the material to cover the door comes unstuck. Now, in the dark, and the angle I’m viewing it from, what it actually looks like, is a freaking huge shape walking out of the bathroom and turning to face me.

Did I mention it’s nearly 2am, and that I’m home alone, and not expecting to see what appears to be a 7 foot tall intruder walking out of my bathroom?

So, purely on instinct, and powered by the brown adrenaline, I swing a huge punch at it…aimed at where the head should be.

Know what happens when you swing a powerful punch at a piece of unsupported material?

I swing straight through it, my fist connecting squarely with the wall behind it.

I recoil back, smack my head on the door behind me, and fall over, pulling the curtain that covers that door on top of me.

At this point, I’ve still got absolutely no fucking clue what’s going on. It’s bloody dark, so for all I know, there really is an intruder, who just managed to sidestep my punch

So basically I’m on the floor, my heart is going at about 180 beats per minute, and I’m wrapped up in a fallen curtain that I can’t quite get free from. There may also be a 7 foot tall intruder standing over me.

So I fight to stand back up again, and I manage to get half to my feet…before tripping and falling flat on my face again.

At this point I look up, to see the dog, who was attracted by the commotion, sitting on the floor right in front of me. He looks at me, looks at the wall behind me, and looks back at me with a facial expression that is clearly saying:

“Dude? What the FUCK are you doing?”

I whirl around on the floor, wondering why Buddy isn’t barking or leaping to my rescue…to see the loose end of my attacker just waving in the breeze.

It was at this point, despite the searing pain in my hand, that I laughed so hard I damn near shit in my pants.

On the upside….I kicked that curtain’s ass!


rayray said...


Incidently, I have a friend who's brother-in-law (an avid hunter)was messing around with his compound bow....inside the living room!

Anyway, his grip on the arrow he had nocked slipped and it released, going straight through the living room curtains.

His wife, having a good sense of humour, later took the section of curtains, replaced the arrow, and mounted it on a mount for his trophy wall.

OzzyC said...

You may be able to sue the curtain manufacturer.

delmer said...

That is the laugh I needed.

Once, in an almost-empty small-town store, I screamed when I noticed the life-size Kramer cutout (out of the corner of my eye) staring me down.

The guy behind the register asked what had got me when I went to check out.

Saffyre said...

OMG that gave me the giggle I have been waiting for all day!!

That's fucking hilarious Paulius!

marie said...

paul this is completely off the subject of killer curtains(which i do believe you can take anyday) but iwent to zug .com and read his credit card signature thing and i have to thank you for bringing it to my attention. i about fell out of my chair laughing. ill defintily start checking signatures at work now. lol

Amelia said...

Oh my gosh. Much laughter over here. Much laughter.

manda the best person on the face of the planet said...

yeah i used to have a cutout of legolas or orlando bloom from lotr, in my room was in my door, used to freak everyone the fuck out.

btw did i tell you one time my friend drunk freaked out over someone in the window, and when i got excited, i ran to see who it was, and hit my head on the wall,.. of course i was drunk too.. so does that count? I hit my head A LOT when im drunk. maybe i'm like Homer, I'm so used to getting hit on the head when I'm drunk a big fall won't hurt! lol yES!(i hope you understand what all my babbling is about..)