So very, very tired.

It’s currently twenty to nine in the morning.

Thanks to circumstances that I may go into tomorrow when my brain is actually working, I had a terrible night and I have been awake since four in the afternoon. Four in the afternoon… the day before yesterday.

For the math impaired (or my fellow sleep deprived) I’ve been up for 41 hours, and I have to stay awake for the FedEx package that should have got here yesterday. If I’m completely honest, I’m only writing this because if I do anything that’s purely passive, like watch TV…I’ll be out cold.

Early this morning I called FedEx again, because their stupid shipment tracker had my package listed as both ‘on time and in transit’ and ‘Delivery Exception, awaiting further information from recipient’.

Isn’t it funny how they call it a ‘Delivery Exception’? Shouldn’t that say ‘We fucked up and totally can’t do our jobs’?

Anyway, I called FedEx and found that call to be interesting for two reasons.

The first is that their voice recognition menu is absolutely flawless. I mean, it understands my accent and got my 15 digit tracking number right the first time. If they can do that over the freaking phone lines, why can’t my copy of ‘Dragon Naturally Speaking’ understand me 60% of the time…or uninstall properly for that matter.

The second thing is that while the voice recognition system could understand me perfectly, the actual human I spoke to couldn’t. I suppose it’s only fair though, because I couldn’t understand a single fucking word he said thanks to his ultra-thick Indian accent.

Yay outsourcing! We lose jobs we badly need, get sucky service…but on the upside, FedEx makes a fuck-ton more money for less work. Awesome.

What made this call even better is that the guy kept finishing my sentences for me, and getting it completely and utterly wrong:

“Hey, I called yesterday, you tried to deliver a package but your driver couldn’t find my house. So I called and gave you…”

“Yes sir, you give me directions and I’ll pass onto driver.”

“No, I’ve already given you directions, I just want to make sure it’s going to arrive today because your website says…”

“No sir, you have not give me directions yet. What is name of street?”

“No, listen. I gave the person I spoke to yesterday the directions, it’s just that I need to know if it’s going to arrive today. Your website…”

“Website, yes. You can track package on website. You go to www….”

This went on for ten solid minutes.

Now, normally I try to be as nice as possible to these people. Someone else fucks up, and they catch the shit. However, my patience only goes so far when I’ve been awake for 40 hours, thanks mainly to waiting up for a package that never arrived, and I have a very simple question, but the guy identifying himself as ‘Steve’ won’t let me get a word in edgewise. I felt my mouth moved and heard the words:

“Listen! You don’t talk. Close your mouth and let me talk. I’m going to ask my question and you’re not going to say a damn thing until you hear me utter the words ‘now you may talk’. Do you understand me?”

“Yes sir, but if you go to www…”

Ever wished that you could strangle someone over the phone? If I’d been awake enough to focus I probably could have made him burst into flames just through sheer force of will.

Anyway, I finally got the info I needed…it’s now 9.01am, and I’m still waiting for the fucking package.