Wednesday, October 31, 2007

How Was Your Day?

(Before reading, bear in mind that I sleep during the day and I’ve been up since 2pm yesterday afternoon)

[Yesterday - 10.00pm] Feel really ill, and ‘enjoy’ the Subway sandwich I had for lunch (that was loaded with jalepenos) in reverse. Discover what it must be like to snort rock salt and lighter fluid shortly after setting it on fire.

[12.00] Watch ‘Dirty Jobs’ while feeling sorry for myself. Feel a little better that despite the fact it feels I have the flu, at least I don’t work in a tannery.

[3.00am] Decide I really want some hot chocolate, but the decide that I don’t want to brave the freezing kitchen or risk finding out what a chicken bacon ranch sandwich (with lots of Jalapenos) mixed with hot chocolate tastes like in reverse.

[4.00am] Tell the dog to make me some hot tea. He looks at me, sneezes in my face and sits on my foot.

[5.30am] : I check the FedEx package tracking page and discover the my Edimensional Shutter glasses are ‘Out for Delivery’ from Greenville.

[5.30 – 8.00am] Squeeze in an hour of WoW and then re-watch my favorite ‘The Show with Ze Frank’ episodes until…

[8.01am] Sunny comes home, changes out of her work clothes and decides that as the bedroom is about -12 degrees farenheit, that she’ll wait up for the FedEx truck with me, rather than brave the cold alone.

[8.10am] Start watching ‘The Farce of the Penguins’ on OnDemand. Slowly realize it’s a really crappy spoof written purely so Bob Saget can attempt to drop his squeaky-clean image. Imagine stock footage of penguins, with lots of people saying ‘fuck’ and ‘bitches’.

[8.20am] Turn the TV off. Decide to try to nap on the sofa. Curse Bob Saget.

[8.30am] Discover two grown adults can not lie on a normal sized couch in comfort.

[9.20am] Wake up and find that my butt hole has decided that my mouth is trying to steal its job, and is trying to get in on the action.

[9.35am] Despite the cold, lament the fact that I didn’t have the foresight to put a roll of toilet paper in the freezer. Damn Jalepenos. Make note to tell the Subway guy that ‘some jalepenos’ does not mean ‘two very large handfuls’.

[9.40am] Sunny decides that braving the cold is preferable to the cramped conditions on the sofa, and retires to the bedroom. I finally stretch out and just about manage to fall asleep.

[10.00am] Hear a car door close outside, shock awake and run to the window to see if it’s Mr. FedEx. No such luck.

[10.30am] Start dreaming about the FedEx truck arriving and wake up. Body decides sleep is no longer an option.

[10.31am – 1.00pm] Try and fail to entertain myself until I’m so sleepy and nauseous, I lie back down on the couch.

[1.10pm] The phone rings, and I jump up in case it’s the FedEx guy asking for directions. It isn’t.

[1.15pm] Lie back down and try to get comfortable, while contemplating the fact that FedEx has delivered to my house at least three times, and on all three occasions have never been able to find the house due to a street name-change over 5 years ago.

[1.16pm] Also contemplate that since I gave the UPS guy directions the first time, they’ve never had trouble finding the house.

[1.20pm] Consider writing to FedEx and telling them it might be an idea to make a note of the directions to hard to find houses. Then realize that they won’t care. Check the tracking page again and see it’s still ‘Out for delivery’.

[1.30pm – 4.30pm] Have a great time falling asleep and waking up every five minutes. Finally admit defeat and get up when Sunny walks into the living room.

[4.45pm] Wonder if the FedEx guy simply put the package in the mailbox. Walk to the mailbox and find it empty.

[4.55pm] Check the tracking page again, only to find that my package is no longer ‘out for deliver’ but is ‘waiting for additional information from recipient’.

[4.56pm] Get really pissed off that the ‘delivery exception’ took place at 8.45am.

[5.00pm] Call FedEx and get told matter-of-factly that they’ve ‘sent me a postcard’. Apparently, the worldwide shipping organization doesn’t give their drivers cell-phones…or the common sense to call the number on the freaking box to ask for directions.

[5.10pm] Seriously consider asking the drone I’m talking to that she should tell their drivers to follow the US mail carriers, or ask a UPS employee if they can borrow a map because both of those are capable of finding my house no problem…but decide I don’t want them to play football with my package, so I make nice.

[5.15pm] Give the drone directions, who hangs up before I can ask when I can expect delivery.

[5.20pm] Spend a few minutes impotently bitching about how a delivery service has such a big problem finding a residence, despite the fact they’ve delivered here at least three times before.

[5.25pm] Decide that the entire FedEx corporation is made up of hard-chargers who wouldn’t know a Power-Move if it hit them in the face.

[5.30pm] Write a blog post about what a crappy day I’ve had…but add a live visitor map-tracker to my sidebar, which helps me restore some of the awesome.

How was your day?

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