Sunday, November 18, 2007

Windows XP : Smacktard Edition

Picture the scene. I’m sitting in front of my computer playing WoW, when right in the middle of a major boss fight, I find myself back at the desktop:

WindowsXP : OMGWTFBBQ!!!! Dude, there’s like this major security hole that needs to be fixed! You have to download this update right now!!!

Me : You mother f**ker... It’ll have to wait.

So I get WoW back up to find that after fighting my way through an difficult instance for an hour, I’m now dead, as is half the party.

WoW Players : Paulius, wtf?

Me : Sorry, comp crapped out. Stupid auto updates.

WoW Players : Yeah, I hate it when that shit happens.

Me : I know, I say I don’t want auto updates so I won’t get disturbed, but it still disturbs me to tell me there’s an update.

WoW Players : Yeah. Oh, you missed the roll for the boss’s helm, Magdeline got it.

Me : Shit, that’s the only reason I did this instance.

Suddenly, amidst much hard-drive grinding, I find myself back at the desktop.

WindowsXP : Dude, you mustn’t have heard me the first time. There’s a major freaking security hole here that needs fixing!

Me : There’s always a freaking security hole! There’s a new one every week!

WindowsXP : But this is urgent!

Me : So there’s been a security hole in XP since it came out, but because you’ve discovered it now, years later, it’s suddenly urgent?

WindowsXP : YES! You finally get it.

Me : Piss off, I’ll download it later.

I click, and after 30 seconds of yet more hard-drive grinding, I’m back in Azeroth.

WoW Players : Paulius, you still not rezzed yet?

Me : No, comp keeps crapping out. I think my PC needs some Ritalin or at least a damn good kicking.

WoW Players : Well, get your ass in gear. We’re gonna do another run, Uldaman this time.

Me : Cool, I have 3 quests there. Go ahead, I’ll catch a gryphon from Southshore and meet you there.

Black screen….hard drive grinding….45 seconds of frozen desktop.

WindowsXP : OMG dude! You’re not listening! You need to do this nooooooowwww!!!

Me : Oh for f**k’s sake.

Click….black screen….hard drive grinding…WoW music loops for 45 seconds.

Me : Hey, my comp’s screwing up again, just go in without me, I’ll try and catch up.

WoW Players : Well, hurry, this is gonna get ugly without a tank.

Me : Will do.

Click….black screen….grinding….looped music…frozen desktop.

Me : Ok, download your f**king update.

WindowsXP : Finally! You don’t take security very seriously do you?

Me : Yes I do, it’s Microsoft that doesn’t.

WindowsXP : Ok, downloading now, you can continue working while I do this.

Me : Fine

Click…black screen….grinding….looped music….frozen desktop….frozen WoW.

Me : Ok, I’m on my way.

WoW Players : Ok, how long you gonna be?

Me : I just got on the gryphon, It’s about a five minute flight, then I gotta ride there from Thelsamar…about ten minutes.

WoW Players : Ok, we’re moving pretty slow with no tank, so you’ll get here in time before we get to the first boss.

Black screen…..grinding….looped music…frozen WoW….frozen desktop….

Windows XP : Just letting you know, I’m downloading and things are going great.

Me : You interrupt me when something’s wrong, then you interrupt me to tell me everything’s ok. At least the latter doesn’t happen very often. I hate you Windows XP. I hate you like the Wrath of Kings and the pure unbridled burning hatred of a thousand suns. I hope you die.

WindowsXP : Hey, this isn’t annoying, it’s a feature.

Me : Go f**k your mother.

Click…yadda, yadda, yadda….

Me : Great, now I’ve been eaten by wolves.

WoW Players : Where are you?

Me : Running back to my body from the graveyard.

WoW : You’re dead? How did that happen?

Me : Windows…f**king…XP

WoW Players : Lol, say no more.

Black screen….usual crap.

WindowsXP : Ok, all done and installed! Would you like to restart your computer now?

Me : No, I’m busy.

Click…blah blah blah

Me : Ok guys, just got inside the instance…catching up now.

Black screen…getting very annoyed…want to kill someone…Bill Gates is a Douche…

WindowsXP : Do you want to restart now?

Me : NO! I just said I’ll do it later.

WindowsXP : Ok, I’ll check back in another five minutes.

Me : No, don’t. Leave me alone until I tell you.

WindowsXP : Well, ok…but I’ll check back in five minutes to see if you’ve changed your mind about me checking back.

Me : How about you leave me alone until I specifically tell you to reboot.

WindowsXP : Sigh…ok.

Click…more loading…taking ages…want to throw monitor through window.

Me : Hey guys, what did I miss?

WoW Players : Magdeline got the epic sword, Talon got the epic boots and I got this nifty lockbox filled with gems!

Me : Sigh…any decent loot left in this dungeon?

WoW Players : Well, this next guy has a great set of gauntlets, you can have them.

Me : Cool.

Halfway through the fight….black screen…want to scream…gonna kill someone…find Bill Gates and feed my entire computer to him.

WindowsXP : Listen, I’ve been thinking…

Me : What in the blue f**k could you possibly want now?!? You’ve just killed me, half my party and lost me my chance at that loot!!

WindowsXP : I want to talk about our relationship. You’re not very sensitive to my needs.

Me : What about my need to not get disturbed every five seconds?!

WindowsXP : Well, it’s like this…I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the past few minutes, and…well…I just have to ask….

Me : What?!?!?!?

WindowsXP : Do you want to reboot now?

3 comments:

amanda said...

yeah, i didn't know I could turn that feature off, and the other night while I was burning a movie, my computer restarted itself...... needless to say,.. i have a useless dvd that has half the information needed to burn, and I cant finish the project....

Saffyre said...

I hate windows XP - but Vista really sucks. It's the scourge of the computer world. So much so that when i visit the US at xmas, i'm buying myself an apple laptop!

F***ing windows....Grrrr!!

Although, it must be said, this post made me laugh out loud. Not just a 'lol' but a genuine 'guffaw'

nachiketh said...

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