Thursday, November 20, 2008

I really do hate that man.

So today, I went to the dentist.

Have I mentioned I hate the dentist?

Have I mentioned I’d rather break my collarbone than let one of those freaks near my mouth with a pair of pliers?

Well, things didn’t start out too well. You see, despite the fact I was getting three removed, and all three needed extracting…only one of them was actually causing me any pain. Hefty chunks of both my top wisdom teeth and my bottom right wisdom tooth had broken off, but it was my bottom right that was actually hurting. The bottom right was the one that had actually made me visit a dentist.

Well, it turns out the roots of one of my wisdom teeth had turned sideways in my jaw, meaning the dentist couldn’t remove it, meaning I’d have to visit a nice expensive dental surgeon.

Can you guess which one it was?

Yup, the one that was causing all the trouble in the first place. I sit here typing this minus two broken, but otherwise problem-free teeth. Now I’ve got the pain of my toothache, plus the pain of two empty sockets.

So after being told they wouldn’t be able to remove the problem tooth, the dentist assistant asked if I still wanted to get the other two removed there, or wait until I saw the surgeon and get all three removed at once.

You can guess what I chose to do. After dreading this all week and having to be physically dragged from the car into the dentists office by Sunny, I wasn’t going to wait even longer and draw it out.

“Relax.” Said the dentist as he put the world’s biggest needle into my mouth. “This will be a little uncomfortable.”

He was right, two injections into the roof of your mouth is uncomfortable, if by ‘uncomfortable’ you mean ‘absolute, white-hot searing pain’.

“Ok, I give in.” I said to the dentist after he was finished torturing me. “I’ll talk…just put the needle away! I hid the microfilm in the ambassador’s briefcase!”

His assistant laughed while the dentist just gave me a very puzzled look. Turns out that as well as being a sadist, he had absolutely zero sense of humor. His wife must be thrilled.

He left the room while I waited the for anesthetic to work.

“I hate that man.” I said to the assistant. “I hope he accidentally sits on his own needle.”

All too soon the dentist was back. Suddenly my chair was laid as far back as it would go and the fucking bastard was working me over with a pair of pliers.

“You’ll feel some pressure and you may hear a scraping noise. It might be a little uncomfortable.” He said.

Five seconds later I was devising a training program for the dentist.

First of all, I’d sit him on a hard wooden bench for an hour, and then write ‘Uncomfortable’ in big letters in a whiteboard. Then, I’d stab the fucker in the groin and while he was writhing in agony, I’d write “Pain” on the board. Then I’d punch him in the face and tell him to learn the difference.

“Doc.” I said, shortly after the assistant had pushed half a pound of gauze into my mouth and the dentist was heading to the door. “You won’t be heading outside to the parking lot any time soon, will you?”

“No, I don’t think so.” Said the Dentist, again looking puzzled.

“Probably for the best.” I said. “Because if I see you out there as I’m leaving, I’ll probably run you over…on purpose.”

Again, the assistant laughed, but the dentist just looked confused again.

He was a real barrel of laughs that guy.

Anyway, the numbness is really starting to wear off and my sockets are starting to wake up.

Isn’t it awesome that I get to go through all this again when I get the remaining tooth removed?


Michael said...

Just be glad you're not still smoking, and at increased risk for dry socket.

Evanesce In 2008 said...

I was thinking the same thing Michael said.

Paulius said...

Yup, one of the many benefits of quitting.

On the other hand, while I was in the waiting room, completely stressing myself out, I'd have given my left nut for a ciggie.

It felt really weird to put myself down as a non-smoker when I filled out the forms as well.