Wednesday, November 12, 2008

All it takes is a simple phonecall...

Ok, for this post I need you to imagine me with a big white beard, a khaki shirt tucked into some khaki shorts, while I’m crouching down with my hand on a malnourished-looking kid’s shoulder.

Every day hundreds of thousands of nice caring people are forced out of their Halo 3 matches by gigantic douchebags. Douchebags who don’t play Halo for fun, but treat it like a job. Douchebags who’ve spent months working out every exploit, every hidey-hole in every map…and play not to have fun, but instead to rack up kill counts in joyless, repetitive ways.

In the time it takes you to read this post, thousands of Halo players, wanting nothing more than an evening of light video-game based fun, will throw their controllers down in frustration…perhaps forever.

The situation is made worse because not only do joyless players turn a simple game of team slayer into a chore, Halo gamers also face the Mega-douchebags.

Mega-douchebags, through a mixture of inbreeding, social awkwardness and involuntary celibacy are prone to outbursts of racist, homophobic insults that are directed at strangers for little or no reason. To the mega-douchebag, the actual games they play online are secondary to their real motivation…acting like giant cocks and annoying people.

No normal person should ever have to be called a ‘Giant Shitcock nigger faggot fuckface’ (actual quote) for being slightly better than one of their opponents.

The truth is that Mega-douchebaggery is a disease effecting more and more teens and pre-teens than ever before. Symptoms include being obnoxious, inflated ego, vast over-estimation of own fighting ability and deep infatuation with the sound of your own voice. More advanced cases include talking incessantly about a non-existent girlfriend and talking about drug experiences that didn’t actually happen.

So, parents, if you hear your child shouting “Fuck you, you nigger cock-sucking faggot shit-fuck.” Or “Dude, my girlfriend was, like, bitching at me and I, like, didn’t care because I was, like, soooo high”…please take away their Xbox Live accounts. You’re not only helping them by being a parent, you’re helping the gaming community at large.

By forcing your little asshole…I mean, child, away from their console for a few days, they may actually begin to socialize with real people and learn the basic social rules that govern our society. For example, that it’s not acceptable to comment on someone’s mother’s sex life, and your alleged role in it, just because someone out performed you in a game. Also, by having real friends and genuine human contact they may no longer feel the need to hurl racist, homophobic epithets at strangers for no reason.

So, my friends, I leave you with a few simple requests:

Parents, keep an eye on your kids and understand that allowing them to act like gigantic douchebags online is just like allowing them to act like gigantic douchebags in a crowded restaurant.

Oh, and if you play Halo 3, and you aren’t a gigantic douchebag and like to play for fun instead of a need to feel better than other people…my gamertag is in the top right corner of this page. Drop me a line.


Evanesce In 2008 said...

My favorite way to teach them manners is to give them a snide, well-timed, highbrow insult about their immaturity without changing my conversational tone of voice. This invariably leads everyone else to laugh at the douche, who gets pissed, loses his cool and quits.

The other day, some pre-pubescent kid said something about being 38, and I said "okay, maybe in days." Oddly enough, he quit when everyone laughed at him.

Paulius said...

Oh, I do that too, my favorite being:

"Look, just because your birth certificate is an apology letter from a condom company doesn't mean you have to take it out on me."

Unfortunately, it doesn't work too well when it's the rest of your OWN TEAM who know eachother and are trash-talking. Then, all you can do is sigh and mute.

Basically, Halo 3 is fun any time (especially when you let your battle-rifle do the talking to the assholes)...but it would be nothing but awesome if it was just a bunch of real-life friends in a private game.

PS I would have gone with IQ points instead of days.