Wednesday, August 22, 2007

The boat's a metaphor for relationships, geddit?

So Sunny read a ‘Relationship Self Evaluation’ on a blog, and decided it was a good idea.

She then mentioned how interesting it would be for me to write a ‘relationship evaluation’ of her.

I have a simple answer to this: No Fucking Way. In fact, let me rephrase that ABSOLUTELY no fucking way.

Yeah, that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to openly and publicly ‘judge’ my missus. When I’m done with that, maybe I can carve out my eyeballs with a rusty, dull knife and smear my testicles with gravy and walk naked through a pack of half-starved attack dogs.

This is the ‘Does this dress make my butt look fat?” or the “Do you think she’s pretty?” question blown up to a whole new level.

You see, ladies, this is your problem. You want to know too much, and you love to fix things that aren’t broken.

Take your average guy in a relationship. If things are going well, do you know what he’s going to do? He’s going to shut the fuck up is what he’s going to do.

What do women like to do? Rock that boat. You’re not happy that the boat is comfortable, floating and cruising along at a nice pace. You want to smack the bottom of that boat with a hammer to see how strong it is, you want to steer the boat towards that storm to see if the rigging can handle it…and you also want to know if the first mate secretly wants to serve on a different boat.

You have a boat, you and your partner are happy with it, but you want to test it. The only problem is testing it is likely to either sink it or damage it.

Guys on the other hand are happy in their boats, because if they weren’t they’d go swimming for a while until they found another.

This is the main difference between men and women. Men are happy in their boats, and will conduct repairs as and when they are needed. They’ll keep the boat in working condition, might try to spruce the thing up a little when he has the opportunity…but he won’t look for a fault if there’s no indication of one, and pilot the thing into a reef just to see if the hull needs strengthening.

The truth is that both people who built the boat will probably see things they think could be improved or could be nicer, but by pointing these things out, all they’re going to do is piss each other off:

“What do you mean the sails could be stronger? I picked out that material myself! It was good enough for you when we set off on the trip! Yeah? Well that decking you put in looks like ass!

Ladies, long story short, you ask for criticism with the assurance that you ‘won’t get mad’. To be honest, we’re not worried about you getting mad, we’re worried about hurting your feelings. You might ‘already know’, but having someone you care about confirming your insecurities just isn’t good for anyone.

Leave well enough alone and fix the boat when it needs fixing. Don’t look for problems or create them just to see how well you can fix them.


Sunny said...

Lmao- okaaaaaay- well, judging from your reaction to my request- I must have a LOT of weaknesses for you to be that adamant about NOT doing it. And I didn't say you had to put it out there in the blog....just for me.
And I don't think we need our boat fixed or tested...I just would like to know what I do good and what I can work on........As much as I think I'm the perfect wife, I have a sneaking suspicion that that isn't completely accurate.

Always room for improvement, dearest, always room.

OzzyC said...

"...I must have a LOT of weaknesses for you to be that adamant about NOT doing it..."

Dude, you're in for it now! You were in a no-win situation from the get-go. But at least you took the least-losing option.

BTW, thanks for the post! Men everywhere just shouted a collective "Hell yeah!"

MC Etcher said...

ha ha ha! no way in hell!

manda said...

hahaha @ sunny's answer... and I tried that with Alex. I basically evaluated him and told him what was pissing me off about him, and he fixed it... But he won't do that for me... which increasingly pisses me off

but i laughed my ass off reading it.