Stoopid Dog.

I have a question.

Is it possible for animals to be retarded? I mean, with lots of different animals you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference…but is it possible for an animal to be as thick as a submarine door, dumb as a bag of hammers and a couple sandwiches short of a picnic?

Ladies and Gentlemen? I give you my dog, Buddy:

Buddy is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, wrapped in an enigma (Who coincidentally smells quite a bit like old carpet).

He is capable of acts of extreme intelligence, but is more commonly known for his acts of downright outrageous stupidity.

For example, like Jake, my uber-intelligent dog who still lives with my parents in England, when you tell him to do something, he will check your hands for treats. If there’s not something tasty waiting for him at the end, he ain’t going to the trouble.

On the other hand, he’s the only dog I’ve ever met who can’t grasp the concept of “Fetch”. I mean, he’ll actually chase whatever you throw, but after he races towards it at break-neck speed…he’ll just stand there and look at it. Then he’ll trot back with a look on his face like “That was cool, dude! Throw something else!”

Either that, or he’ll look hurt that you threw his favorite ball away.

Put it this way, he was once enticed by the delicious smells coming from the oven. He got so close trying to locate the delicious emanations he burnt his nose.

Ever heard the expression “Once bitten, twice shy.”?

Neither has Buddy. He not only did exactly the same thing again, he did it three times before he understood the concept “Oven is hot, hot hurts, do not puch nose against the over door.”

Well today, I want to relay a ‘Buddy Story’ that just happened. It involves both his intelligence and his sheer stupidity.

Now Buddy knows he’s not allowed in the kitchen while we’re cooking, which he understands as “No one is allowed in the kitchen while cooking, except under his direct supervision.”

If you spot him in there, he’ll turn his back to you. I think he thinks that if he can’t see you, you can’t see him.

He also knows he’s not allowed to bed for food while people are eating.

He has, however, discovered a loophole in that directive. If something touches the floor, it instantly becomes fair game. (He has in the past “accidentally” knocked food from the table for just this purpose).

Well, today, I was hungry, but wanted something simple. I decided to have a boiled egg.

Now, when you’re cooking in the kitchen, Buddy instantly enters “Sam Fisher” mode. He gets all stealthy.

This means he gets under your feet as much as possible. If you shout at him, he’ll cock his head to one side like: “Dude? Why are you shouting at the cat? He’s not even in here!”…and if pressed will turn his back on you, which from his point of view, makes him as invisible as Harry Potter in the girls’ changing room.

Well, this was the position he was in as I was trying to walk back through to the living room.

Then the egg fell off my plate.

I swear he could hear it falling, because he’d whirled around before it had hit the floor.

Remember how I said he’d discovered the ‘begging loophole’?

Well, he also knows that this isn’t an entirely legal move. So he tries to eat whatever’s been dropped as soon as possible.

In the blink of an eye, he’s scooped up the egg as fast as “The Flash” with diarrhea.

Then his face changed.

It can only be described as the retarded dog version of “Uh-oh”.

Not only was the egg directly from the boiling water…it still had it’s shell. Who knew that something’s are even unpalatable to retarded dogs?

I could see his dilemma.

Not only was the egg burning the crap out of his mouth, he also had a mouthful of eggshell. On the other hand, it was contraband food, a delicacy so rare, that it simply can’t be discarded without careful thought…something that Buddy is incapable of.

So after attempting to chew for another 15 seconds, he finally gave up, dropped what was left on the floor, and ran to get some cold water.

…from the toilet.

The final kicker? I went to get something to clear up the mashed egg-shelly mess from the floor.

When I returned…he’d finished it.

Dumbass.