Sunday, February 26, 2006

I dont feel so good.

I don’t feel so good today.

It turns out that the bug that Sunny had, the bug she gave to Frank, has finally broken down the walls of my frankly ‘superman-esque’ immune system, and is currently beating the shit out my body.

My anti-bodies, usually stamping out disease with no effort and an Arnie-like quip, are now running like the sissies they are.

Pussies.

It makes me wonder, though, who the hell decided pain and discomfort was a good idea?

You see, pain, apparently, is very useful. It lets you know you’d better pull that arm out of that fire right now, or that you’re body’s getting its ass kicked by microbes, so you’d better take it easy and let it heal itself.

But why PAIN, exactly?

If ‘intelligent design’ is real, it should be called ‘not very’ Intelligent Design’.

You see, pain comes along whether you can do anything about it or not. I mean, great, I picked up that pipe that I thought was room temperature, and it turned out to be 500 degrees Celsius. Thanks pain! Thank you for letting me know that I’d better drop it!

Now imagine I’m trapped in a burning building. Oh dear. I’m on fire, and this support beam across my chest means I can’t do anything about it:

“PAIN! PAIN! YOU’RE IN PAIN! YOU’RE ON FIRE AND TAKING DAMAGE!!!”

“Um, I know, pain. There’s not a lot I can do about it though, so can you go away, so I can die peacefully, and not screaming in agony?”

“SORRY, IT’S MY JOB! ANYWAY… PAIN! PAIN! OWWWWWW! THAT HURTS! THIS IS VERY BAD, YOU KNOW!”

“I know, but there’s nothing I can do about it! Shut the fuck up and go away!”

“I’M VERY USEFUL, YOU UNGRATEFUL PRICK!!! IF IT WASN’T FOR ME YOU’D BE COOING AT THE WEIRD LOOKING ORANGE STUFF THAT’S ALL OVER YOUR BODY! PAIN! PAIN! PAIN!”

“You mean, other than the fact I can see my skin charring? Look, we both know this is very bad, so can you just leave?”

“LA LA LA, NOT LISTENING!! PAIN! PAIN! PAIN!”

Then we come to the other kicker. There’s only so much pain a body can take before it passes out. Now, while this at first would seem to negate the above point, let me explain.

If we could turn pain on and off, if I trapped and set on fire, I could turn the pain off and prepare myself for the whole dying part. Instead, the last thing I experience before losing consciousness is agony beyond anything I’ve ever experienced.

But what if I’m not trapped? I’m on fire, but I’ve just managed to push that support beam off my chest:

“It’s 25 yards to the door! I can make it! Ok, I need a new face and have burns over 99% of my body, but I want to LIVE!”

“PAIN! PAIN! IT’S ME! PAIN!”

“I know, we’re probably going to get to know each other really well over the next year or so.”

“ANYWAY, YOU’VE TAKEN QUITE ENOUGH OF ME, I’M OFF!”

“Oh, so now you decide to leave.”

“WELL, NOT LEAVE, EXACTLY. I’VE BEEN AROUND SO LONG, YOU’RE BRAIN’S ABOUT TO SHUT DOWN FOR A BIT. YOU KNOW, A BIT OF A BREAK.”

“But the door’s right there! If I make it I’ll live! If I pass out now, I’ll be burned to a crisp!”

“SORRY PAL, I DON’T MAKE THE RULES! SLEEPY TIME NOW!”

“You complete and utter fuc…”

(Thud)


Nope, if intelligent design was real, you’d get the occasional jolt of pain, just to remind you of why you avoid dangerous things, but when you get sick, or you’re in pain and there’s nothing you can do about it, you’d hear:

“Bing-Bong…This is your central nervous system here. We apologize for the convenience, but whatever you’re doing is making your pain receptors go crazy. You may want to cease this activity, or suffer permanent damage. Thank you.”

There you go, nice and polite, gives you the message, and you could just call your Boss and say:

“Yeah, my central nervous system gave me a damage report this morning, apparently, I’m not feeling too well, so I’d better stay home for a couple days.”

Of course, what would be really nice is if you could get play-by-play, frontline reports on how the battle’s going for your anti-bodies. That’d be great. Like a war film.


(I apologize in advance if this post has got a crap load of spelling mistakes, run on sentences, or if I’ve over used commas even more than usual…I can’t be bothered proof reading today.)

3 comments:

MC Etcher said...

Hope you feel better soon!

Ron Bramlett said...

A little rum with Dr. Pepper always helps me when I'm sick. Or maybe some bourbon with coke. Try that.

I don't know any remedies for pain..

Miz S said...

LOL_ I like the idea of the play by play from the front anti-body reports. I would be listening all day to see just what effect chocolate had on my body. Is chocolate really good for you- does it have anti-oxidants that are good for you. Owwww- that would be cool. Plug yourself into the computer or TV and get your daily report about what is going on in your body. Think of it- you would be the first to know when you got pre-cancerous cells or when you were on the verge of a migraine. Or PMS- Now how cool would that be?

Menapause, osteoparosis, balding...the possibilities are ENDLESS!!!!!

So cool.

Oh and Ron- the only remedy for pain, is worse pain in another part of your body. We don't want to go there.
As for the rum & Dr. Pepper-good....bourbon & coke-better...... Whiskey and honey- THE BEST!!!!!!
Or you can just take nyquil. same effect- but nasty tasting and much cheaper than the spirits.