Sunday, November 08, 2009

How to be the best blogger EVAR!!1!1!!

  1. Use an eyecatching template.

You know what's boring? Black text on a white background. You know what's super awesome? Lime green on a bright yellow background! In fact, if you can, have an animated background with lots of flashing colors. People will have a hard time missing you then!

  1. Legibility is over-rated.

I mean, why write in something approaching standard English when you can nut bthr uzn vowls or NE punchyooashun n mak up ur own spelin? EvEN iF YoU DoN't mAKe Up YouR oWn SpELlinG TyPEinG LIkE ThIS Is ReaLlY FuN aS wEll!

  1. You are the most interesting person in the world.

Don't bother expressing opinions on things people may have heard of, talk entirely about pointless shit that happened to you and your friends that no one else will be able to understand, relate to or care about. Better still, refer to everyone by their first initial only. Trust me, everyone will want to hear about the time J got mad at P because F said R didn't like S. If you can't think of anything else to write, talk about what a totally unreasonable bitch your math teacher was for picking on you, just because you haven't handed in any homework for six months and spend every lesson texting on your phone.

  1. Content is nothing. Hits are everything.

So you've started your blog and written on hundred-word post about how G said something REALLY FUNNY which made E spray coke out of his nose and it went all over R who got mad because F laughed at B even though the coke totally ruined M's jeans. That's more than enough. Now, instead of developing your blog into something people might actually want to read, go and spam everything you can find. It doesn't matter if it's someone else's blog or a youtube video about something totally unrelated…just write "HeY I ToTaLLy LuV UR wEB! ViSIt My BlOg!"

  1. Know how to deal with trolls.

Some people may visit your site and leave rude comments about you spamming their site. Ignore them. They're obviously just jealous of your awesome blog because theirs doesn't have an awesome flashing background and a dancing singing anime ferret jumping up and down behind their text.

  1. Patience is for idiots.

It's been at least three days and you're not getting any hits. Blogging is stupid. Abandon your blog, never write anything on it again. You're doing everyone a favor by making sure they can't use the URL your blog is under, which is obviously the whole reason no-one visited your blog in the first place


MC Etcher said...

Reader request - can we have more than 3 of the most recent posts on your front page? Say, 5?

Sometimes I fall behind and have to use the 'Previous' links, which only display one post at a time. And I am lazy.

Unless you use blogger's new template format (which I do not either), the automatic 'older posts' link at the bottom isn't an option. Bummer.

Evan 08 said...

Your site is awesome. Come visit my blog.

Paulius said...

MC Etcher: Done and done.

Evan 08: Congratulations on the most original joke in the world, you win one internet.

Anonymous said...

Evan 08... I bow to your greatness... and ability to write that before me..darn.