Friday, February 27, 2009

Things That Need To Go Away # 01

Today's Item: People who shout "Fake!" or "Photoshopped" on the Internet.    

Once upon a time, someone decided to fake a picture and upload it to the internet. Someone else spotted this fake and decided to call Shenanigans…and there was much rejoicing.

Today, however, crying 'fake' seems to be the sole domain of complete and total idiots… and these idiots come in a number of different varieties:

  1. The habitual-irrational idiot.

This is the guy who calls fake on everything for absolutely no reason. He'll accuse you of photoshopping your vacation pictures and accuse you of faking the video of your kid coming last at his school sports day. Everything's a conspiracy and there's no such thing as an un-doctored image on the internet. It doesn't matter how mundane or normal the picture is, even if it's just a snap of your dog asleep in front of the fireplace, he'll insist it's a fake.

He never wonders why someone would fake a picture of their grandma opening a present at Christmas, but he'll sure as hell call you on it, because he's just way cleverer than you and nothing gets by him.

  1. The expert idiot.

This guy not only points out fakes, he explains his CSI-like techniques for spotting the forgeries. He is also almost certainly talking directly out of his asshole. Not only is your picture fake, he points out that it's an obvious fake because 'some of the pixels look wrong'. In his mind, he's an expert because he knows how to add a lens flare and drop shadow with the 8 year old copy of Photoshop Elements that came with his digital camera. In reality he knows less about photo manipulation than a fifteenth century milliner. This, of course, does not stop him posting lengthy diatribes on how (perfectly genuine) images and videos have been 'faked'.

  1. The 'How do you not fall down more?' idiot.

Remember that time you videotaped your cat and dubbed on a funny voice because you were really, really bored? This guy called you on it. He saw what you where trying to fool the world into believing your kitty-cat could talk and he blew that shit wide open. Not only did he point out that cats can't really talk, he pointed out that the cat's mouth didn't sync up with the words. Then, just to show his total superiority over you, he laughed at how you tried to fool everyone with such an obvious fake. You really are stupid, you know? Talking cats? As if!


The sad thing is I really wish I was joking about that last one. Last year I was messing with After Effects and made this video of my own head exploding. I posted it to youtube as well and someone there called me out on it. I put up a video so fake that it wouldn't fool a five year old, explained I was just messing about with after effects in the description and someone still felt the need to call me on it and acted as if I was actually trying to get away with something.

What tipped you off, asshole? The way I not only managed to make my head explode through sheer force of will, but managed to upload and post video of it afterwards?

This concludes this episode of "Things that need to go away". Stay tuned for our next exciting installment.

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