Monday, December 24, 2007

Santa? Well, he's a bity of a bastard.

As it’s close to Christmas ‘Rudolph’ is being show on TV at least 17 times a day…It’s the law.

So I found myself watching it today and…

Have you ever noticed what an absolutely awful story that is? I mean, people are constantly up in arms about sex and violence on TV, but what I said is ban Rudolph!

Think about what you’d say if you had to describe that story to someone:

“Rudolph is born with a bit of a deformity (a red, shiny nose) and his parents are so ashamed of him that they force him to cover it up and keep it a secret. Later on, everyone sees his deformity at the reindeer games, and everyone, including Santa, laughs, makes fun of him and refuses to let him join in the reindeer games or allow him to associate with them in any way. Apparently a slight physical difference is enough to make him a total outcast.

Hey! You look different! That makes you totally worthless, Fuck off, Rudolph!

Finally, a situation arises where Santa realizes he can exploit Rudolph’s deformity to save his own ass. So only when Rudolph has an exploitable quality do they even acknowledge his existence. No one apologises or admits that having a red nose isn’t a particularly bad thing... It’s more a case of ‘Hey! Freak! Now that we need you, we’re best buddies, right? You’ll help us out, won’t ya? Forget all that freak-talk, we just need your nose to guide the sleigh…Congrats, you’ve been promoted from outcast to exploitable commodity!”

Personally, if I was Rudolph, I’d have told Santa to fuck right off when he asked me to guide his sleigh, and pointed out that while I have a shiny red nose…he’s a fat bastard ZZ-Top lookalike.

Hmm, discriminating against someone because of the color of a particular body part? Santa and his reindeer…original racists!

Don’t even get me started on the poor elf who wants to be a dentist…

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer,

Had a very shiny nose,

And if you ever saw it,

You would even say it glows.

All of the other reindeer,

Used to laugh and call him names,

They wouldn’t let poor Rudolph,

Join in any reindeer games.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve,

Santa came to say,

Rudolph with your nose so bright,

Won’t you guide my sleigh tonight.

Then all the reindeer loved him

As they shouted out with glee,

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer

You’ll go down in History!

See? Even the reindeer are shallow sycophants.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Is NOTHING sacred to you?
You are being NAUGHTY and all you gonna get for Christmas is Reindeer poop for SURE now!!!!

amanda said...

OMG, I saw Rudolph, and it made me so sad, because I thought at least the teachers or something would be nice to Rudolph, but no one was, even Santa thought he sucked, until he became useful.

And "Twas the Night Before Christmas" is a terrible story too, because there is this one line that stood out to me, it said, "Your opinions ruined Christmas!!" And well just imagine the kind of message that sends out to children....I can't believe these used to be our beloved Christmas stories..