Kato - Behind The Blog...

A few lesser-known things about Kato :

1. Kato is actually a 76 year old woman who runs a Cabbage Reclamation Factory somewhere outside Wales.


2. ‘Evil Genius; Kato Katonian’ is not Kato’s alter-ego. He is actually his pet tortoise, real name: Alan.


3. When Kato uses the terms ‘Interweb’ or ‘Internets’ etc. He’s not being funny or ironic, he thinks that what the Internet is actually called.


4. Kato has never laughed. He simply screams the word ‘LOL’ when he finds something amusing. He once ruptured his spleen by screaming “OMG! ROFLMAO!”


5. Despite his appearance of seeming witty, and knowledgeable, all his post topics come from “The Super Bumper Guide to Humor and the Internet : Junior Addition, Ages 4 -7”


6. He writes all his blog posts on a Sinclair ZX-81, because he believes the rubber keys give him ‘Sexual Powers’.


7. Kato is the only person in the world who has used the term ‘Crazy Delicious’ on a job application.


8. Kato’s number one hobby is ‘Hiding’. This has also appeared on a job application.


9. Kato’s biggest enemy is Lord of the Dance’s Michael Flattley, as he believes that the Irish dancer only performs in order to hypnotize him with his legs.


10. Kato consumes twice his bodyweight in ‘Kibbles and Bits’ every six hours. He can also unhinge his jaw like a snake.


11. Kato’s biggest dream is to one day own a ‘pleasant little burrow of his own’, where he plans to raise turnips.


12. The only material Kato will allow to touch his body is ‘pure raccoon skin’, which must come from only particularly cunning raccoons.


13. Kato once won the lottery three times in a week, but managed to lose the cash down the back of his couch.


14. Kato’s favorite musicians are the Bay City Rollers, The Gypsy Kings and Mad Alex’s Washboard Jamboree…but only when heard through his ‘totally stylin’ purple and mauve headphones.


15. Kato sleeps for exactly 4 minutes 32 seconds per day, because he believes that it’s when you’re asleep that they ‘come for you’.


16. Kato does not own a car. He does, however, have the amazing ability to float to work while making ‘brum-brum’ noises.


17. Kato always faces the back wall of elevators when he is forced to ride one.


18. Kato has outlawed talking within the walls of his home. Visitors are forced to communicate by hitting coconut husks with bits of wood. It is also forbidden to hit the coconut husk with anything but bits of wood that are the ‘regulation length’.


19. Kato once held his breath for a staggering 2.8 seconds. He is still in a legal battle with ‘The Guinness Book of Records’, which refused to record his feat for posterity.


20. Kato refers to everyone he meets only as ‘Dave’.


21. Kato had the stairs in his home removed and replace with a giant ‘Slip ‘n’ Slide’. He enjoyed sliding down this just once, and has not been able to gain access to his second floor since.


22. Kato is deathly afraid of three things: Plaid Shirts, any animal named Steve, and dogs with orange eyebrows.


23. Kato is attracted to shiny things, and can therefore be killed by throwing a small piece of tinfoil off a cliff.


24. Kato spent 10 years of his life building a rocket, in the hopes of being the first human on Mars. On launch day, the cardboard box, with green stars crayoned on the side, a steering wheel from an old Ford Fiesta as the controls and sticky-backed paper ‘Power Wheels’ gauges, never left the ground. He vows to try again in 2007.


25. Kato will only refer to chickens as ‘Mother Cluckers’.