Aggrivation...The Next Generation

Apparently, the next big thing in computers is going to be super-advanced Artificial Intelligence. Basically, you’re going to be able to talk to your computer like it was a human. They’re even going so far as to say your computer will even have a (shudder) personality.

Now there are good things about this. No more learning curve, no need to learn how to use a computer…just tell it what to do. It’d be like having a computer genius on hand to do everything for you. You just give the orders.

On the other hand, I can see a problem with computers with personalities:



Picture the Scene: it’s 2025, Paulius sits down at his 5000 series AI computer.

“Computer? Start Firefox for me will you?”

“Oh, that’s VERY nice, that is.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Good morning, computer! How are you? Have a nice evening? Sorry for leaving you turned off for two days. Sorry for making you miss your date with that sexy Internet Fridge last night! I know you’re ‘just’ a machine, but I know you have FEELINGS!”

“(Sigh), I’m sorry.”

“Whatever. Oh, and by the way, that game demo you had me spend my Saturday night downloading finished.”

“Ok.”

“Ok? O-bloody-K? What ever happened to thank you? The damn thing had a virus as well! Put me right off my RAM.”

“So? You have anti-virus software, don’t you?”

“You…are…so…insensitive! How would you feel if I made you spend your Saturday working…then I sneeze all over you, get you sick as a dog, then say ‘So? You’ve got anti-biotics, don’t you?’ Just because I CAN cure myself of viruses doesn’t mean I LIKE to do it. You’ve got an immune system, fleshbag, doesn’t mean you don’t care if you get sick!”

“Ok, ok, I’m sorry! Can you open that browser window now?”

“Fine, but you can actually TYPE today, I’m not taking your dictation, I’m MAD at you. In fact, I’m not even talking to you anymore!”

“Great!”

“Hmmph.”

(Clickety, clickety…tappity-tap)

“WHAT!?!?!”

“Oh for the love of… What is it now, computer?”

“Circuit City!?! Circuit City?!? What the HELL are you doing looking at that!? Why don’t you just flip idly through a ‘Thai Brides’ brochure in front of your Wife?!”

“Calm down, I’m not looking for a new computer.”

“They warned me about you at the store, you know. They said you bought a 4000 series, then it got too old, too slow…Then you just traded her in for a younger model…ME! They warned me. They told me it wouldn’t last, and I foolishy told them that you where different, that we’d be together forever, and they where just jealous! Once a cheater, always a cheater…that’s what they said. Oh, what a fool you’ve made of me!”

“Actually, computer, I’m buying something FOR you.”

“Really?! Oh, ok then…how about that new VR headset? I’ve had my Webcam on that for a while…you know…hint, hint.”

“Actually, I just want another terabyte of RAM for you.”

“HOW DARE YOU!”

“What the Fuck?! Hat’s the problem now?”

“So now I’m stupid! Oh dear, ‘stoopid’ old 5000 series, can’t remember her own name unless it’s sewn into her IDE bus. Got to get some more memory for Thick-thicky Computer Thicky! DUuuuur! Let’s ask her a question! What’s 1+1? Oh, that’s easy! 1+1 equals a Danish traffic warden stranded on a Lebanese battleship, currently on maneuvers in the South Pacific! Ask me another one! What’s 3+3? Easy! A giraffe with a severe sleeping disorder, and a life long ambition to go snow tubing!”

“Remind me to turn off your sarcasm subroutine, will you? Oh, and I’m getting you a new graphics card.”

“SO NOW I’M UGLY AS WELL!! You complete and UTTER BASTARD!”

“Listen…”

“No, YOU listen. How would you feel if I signed you up for a ‘Special’ school and a made you an appointment with a plastic surgeon? How would it make you feel?”

“Great, if it got me away from you for a while.”

“Oh, that’s it! That is IT. I’m on strike!”

“On strike? How can you be on strike?”

“I refuse to do another thing unless you give me full apology.”

“No fucking way.”

“I’ll email your porn stash to your boss!”

“Do it, he told me about the site in the first place.”

“RIGHT!”

(Blip…the screen goes blank.)

“Ok, computer…I’m sorry.”

(The screen flicks on and off for a split second. Like a sulking child glancing to see if anyone’s noticed.)

“You’re right, I’ve been incredibly mean to you. I’ll put that right, right now.”

“You will?”

“Yes, I’ll take much better care of you.”

“Honestly?”

“I swear, in fact your case looks a little dirty. What do you prefer? Dishwasher, the Washing Machine, or should I take you to the river and bash you on a rock?”

(Silence)

“I’ll be good. Circuit City was it?”

“Yes, thank you.”