But I Don't Wanna Go to School Today!

I absolutely hate being ill.

Well, that’s hardly a surprise, I don’t think anyone actually likes being sick. You very rarely hear someone say: “You know what I’m looking forward to this Christmas? The cold! Yep, lovely winter cold. There’s a good chance I can get really, really ill…with the puking, phlegm and everything!”

Yep, that’s right. Paulius has been pretty sick over the past few days (Sick as in ill, not sick as in ‘sleeping with a llama’).

I think it was pretty much stress related. The whole business with dealing with immigration kinda does that to you. The result was me feeling like I’d drank a couple of pints of battery acid, and a head that felt like a small animal had made a nest in there and was attempting to escape while listening to very loud music, with an absolutely thumping bass line.

I ate so many antacids over the past week that I’m pretty sure if I keeled over right now, I’d leave my own chalk outline.

Being ill is never pleasant. However, being ill when you’re unemployed is much, much worse.

You see, there are a few advantages to being ill. You get waited on hand and foot, and you get to miss work (or school, depending on your age).

It’s especially good when it’s mid-winter. You can lie in your bed, listening to the rain drumming on the windows, feel a hint of an icy chill through your super-warm blanket and think:

“I may feel like absolute crap, but think about all the people I know who actually had to get up this morning, go out in this shit, and are now only an hour into a long strenuous work day. Fools! I know rubbing that rabid monkey on my face was a good idea!”

Oh yes, being ill does have its benefits. It’s especially sweet if you’re on salary, because you also know you’re being paid to lie in bed, drinking hot tea, and watching all the daytime TV shows.

I once got a particularly bad chest infection that left me laid up and of work for a whole two weeks. I really felt like shit. I don’t think I’ve ever been that sick before or since…however, it really cheered me up to look at the clock, thinking:

“Right now I’d be putting on my waterproofs and heading out the door to ride my bike to work in the rain.”

“Right now I’d be sitting at my desk, looking at the huge stack of claim forms and wondering where to start.”

“Right now I’d probably be getting screamed at by that Iraqi bloke that landed in the country on Monday, made his unemployment claim on Tuesday, and has called me every day since to call me a racist, just because he hasn’t got his money yet… despite the fact I’ve told him a million times that it takes around 12 days to process a claim.”

That last one is actually a true story. Oh, and don’t forget:

“I just got paid to watch that TV show…I just got paid to drink that honey and lemon…I just got paid for that room clearing fart.”

However, when you’re smack dab in the middle of a period of forced unemployment like I am, being ill…it just, well, sucks great big fat donkey dicks.

This way, you get to sit on your couch, wrapped up in a fleece blanket, feel like crap and think:

“If I wasn’t ill, I’d be doing exactly this, only I wouldn’t feel like crap.”

Now where’s the fun in that? No free pay, no unscheduled off-day. No nothing.

Yup, being ill sucks. Being unemployed and ill, really does suck great big fat ones.